Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

You remind me of Amanda in amandaland when she got a job at the kitchen shop

Look for a payroll job as they have deadlines every month?

I love the idea of working at a university or school in admissions. Definitely something to think about. And doable where I live.

I’ve never worked for the civil service but would also be interested in that (for the flexible working and amazing pension partly, but also the career progression from a basic job). I looked at the civil service job page but can’t see many entry level jobs. All you civil servants out there - where should I be looking?!

It wasn’t a job. It was a co-lab.

I'm not "making it" anything. I'm empathising with the OP, which apparently you found "frustrating".

Supermarkets and the like aren’t full of people that lack qualifications. There are lots of mums working in those roles and basic admin, because it fits around their children. Lots of parents do these jobs part-time even, because it’s flexible and offers a bit of money for a few treats. Yes it’s not a get-rich-quick scheme but better than nothing which is where you’re at now and by the sounds of it, have been for some time.

You say that you are struggling with confidence to apply for the roles you’re qualified for, so what would be wrong with applying for a supermarket job or something very basic, as a stop-gap? It gets some recent experience on your CV, builds confidence and importantly, gets you a referee when applying for something you would like.

Realistically, you need more money to make a difference but surely anything is better than nothing. Rather than remaining stuck in this cycle of not being able to get the ideal job and earning nothing, even a minimum wage job would give you more money. You could do something temporarily whilst applying elsewhere or training for something which works around your children. From what you’ve said, your ideal career is not child friendly and isn’t really going to work, is it?

I know you say that if you had to work, you’d take anything to feed your children but couldn’t you apply that to getting ANY job to offer your children a few treats, a holiday, a mum that is working on her self-esteem and being proactive? It really doesn’t have to be the dream job right away and a minimum wage job (doesn’t have to be exactly this) isn’t beneath you and would help mentally and financially, even if not giving you the wealth you want long-term.

There are loads of website dedicated to getting mums back into work, especially after a break. Try googling - I found this in 2 seconds: https://www.instagram.com/workingmums.co.uk/. If you want to be self-employed, you could become a part time childminder, cleaner, dog walker or buy a franchise. Lots of jobs out there but they will all have downsides, that’s just life. Good luck.

You can be whatever you want to be.
If you truly are ND, life will certainly be a challenge.
ADHD is lifelong and anyone who suffers from it in adulthood will tell you that life is not easy. Is awful in fact.
Here you are worrying that you can’t get employment but refuse to understand that people with ADHD would be more than happy with any job that actually understands their difficulties

What? This is such an odd post.

Tbh most full time professional careers aren’t child friendly without a bit of a support team (partner, childcare, grandparents etc).

I really don’t think a supermarket job will help my CV. That’s not me being a snob. I have 15 years professional experience on my CV. I think 6 months at Tesco would be confusing.

OFGS! You really are Amanda from Amandaland. You’ll never find the job you want. That’s not being neurodiverse, it’s being wilfully dumb

You couldn’t be less helpful or kind if you tried. I’m not dumb.

You may not be academically dumb but you’re acting dumb.Employees care about the latter much more than the former.

So many people are suggesting rightly that you take a low-level job, just to give yourself confidence and get yourself out of the house daily. You keep saying but it won’t help my cv. But then say you don’t have the self worth to apply for these jobs that might help.

Also, Amanda had the sum total of 3 GCSE’s and a lifestyle store that was very much a vanity project. Julia was right about that. If you’re going to compare me to a motherland/Amanda land character then at least get it right. (Julia with a touch of Anne)

You’re not even the least bit helpful. There are low level jobs I could do that would have relevance to qualifications and training. Tesco shelf stacker is not one. FFS.

I’m sorry OP but you are coming across as a massive snob. I also have a degree, completing my masters, single parent, ADHD, I did anything. I cleaned houses, I did retail, I was a ward clerk in a secure hospital. Anything to earn a wage.
You are not better than me because you inherited or married someone to gain a rental property which you charge some other poor person to live in. You are not better than me because you don’t claim benefits.
I have a nice, well paid job now that allows me flexibility. I have this job because I worked hard for it.
You cannot swan into a great career with your out of date work experience and ‘vibes’. Just pick a job and apply. Use childcare like the rest of us. Single parents rarely have the luxury of only wanting our kids to be in holiday club a couple of hours a day in the holidays. They go in and they cope.

Is it an odd post?
From someone who has tried to navigate the corporate world as an ADHD person I would think that all I’m giving is advice based on my personal experience.
Should you deem it to be ‘odd’ then you are obviously entitled to do whatever you want.
Being ADHD in the big wide world of employment is a massive obstacle.
I truly hope you don’t encounter the barriers I have encountered

I’m sorry, but you’re coming across as unkind. I get child maintenance which helps but it’s not enormous. I have a rental property because in my 15 years of work pre children I earned a really good salary and I invested it. It’s rented at a reasonable amount to a lovely family who have become good friends.

You’ve missed the whole tone and point of my post. I’m not better than anyone. My financial security came about through my own hard work pre children - I resent the notion that it must be due to an ex husband or inheritance. But now I need and want to go back to work.

Goodness knows why I’ve bothered to try to explain though.

I just didn’t get the point you were trying to make. I’ve only ever experienced the work of work through an ADHD lens.

@User74893773 You seem to think that you are entitled to employment which you deem worthy.
Newsflash, society as it stands doesn’t give a crap about you of your difficulties.
I am not saying don’t follow your heart’s desire, but be aware that your expectations probably won’t align with prospective employers.
Having ADHD in the workplace is a nightmare, for others and for the sufferer.
Currently, no one gives a crap about you. It’s a case of ‘can you do the job’ with reasonable adjustments.
It matters not how many degrees you have if you can’t manage workload and admin.
You need to remove yourself from the pedestal you’ve put yourself on and start thinking what job you actually can do.

You sound like don't really want to work. You are aware you sort of should want to work (or perhaps your partner /husband is starting to want you to go back to work as children are at school?) as its clear your priority is 100% the children - you can manage admin if it's for them, you can't work school holidays (all us ft working mums out there manage it - you take some leave and mix it with holiday clubs!).

The fact people offer you work and you convince yourself it's too overwhelming to take it speaks volumes. Deep down, you'd prefer to focus on being a mum.
Can you as a family afford to do that?

Honestly, I could have written your post and most of your updates. I understand completely the feeling of getting sick and panicky reading job descriptions, even though I'm completely overqualified for them.

I have applied to loads of positions in the two niches that I think would work really well with my skills, interests and experience and have had precisely one interview, a year ago. Since then not a sniff. It's so discouraging to feel like a failure, that all the training I did was a waste, that I've let down all the people who supported me despite literally working myself to burn out trying to get any kind of career going. And then I come on a thread like this and see that what I tell myself about how lazy and useless I am is what other people think of me too.

So I don't have any advice, just commiseration. I hope that we and others like us can find a way forward!

Thank you for the thorough character assassination. I hope you’re not as discouraging irl. Good to know that no one “gives a crap” about me.

Newsflash, many posters here have been extremely kind and generous in sharing their experience and advice.

Newsflash, my friends and family love and care for me.

Newsflash, life is hard at the moment - for me and lots of people. Going back to work is tough. ND can overwhelm me and makes things feel extra tough.

Im not on a pedestal but I know my strengths as much as I recognise my weaknesses. I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

I’m so sorry you’re in a similar place. It is tough but come on, we can find a way forward. People have given some brilliant advice on here.

I agree that you can’t use neurodiversity to hold you back. You need to find tools/ways of coping….i say that as someone with ADHD. I have definitely had imposter syndrome, fear paralysis, general paralysis if I’m not interested in something.

I know I’m not inherently good at admin so I put steps in place to make me good at work admin…my colleagues would say I’m organised and totally on it. Because I know I have to be. I have to do 80% of what needs doing pretty much immediately or it gets forgotten. The other 20% I’m blocking time out in my calendar for the following week/whenever which specifically says “do xyz”.