Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

Sorry OP, just to clarify, when I said "useless" I was quoting your words back to you as you said that's how you feel (see thread title etc!). I certainly don't get the impression that you're useless, but if you feel that way, then I think you're going to need to lower your expectations in order to get your foot in the job market door and build your confidence up (and that's the bit I thought might sound harsh, suggesting that you find a job to reflect your current reality vs your long term dreams, although I do stand by what I said). I know you don't want a boring/basic job, but you need to start somewhere... what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to adjust your expectations in order to learn to swim before you jump into the deep end.

Sorry OP, just to clarify, when I said "useless" I was quoting your words back to you as you said that's how you feel (see thread title etc!). I certainly don't get the impression that you're useless, but if you feel that way, then I think you're going to need to lower your expectations in order to get your foot in the job market door and build your confidence up (and that's the bit I thought might sound harsh, suggesting that you find a job to reflect your current reality vs your long term dreams, although I do stand by what I said). I know you don't want a boring/basic job, but you need to start somewhere... what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to adjust your expectations in order to learn to swim before you jump into the deep end.

read job descriptions of jobs I'm qualified for and could do and feel utterly panicky and overwhelmed

Change your narrative
Apply for those jobs think of it as practice
Get a job coach
Do some cbt to stop catastrophiding
Change your narrative to
Oh that is interesting I could do that I am going to apply and see what happens

Tell me you don’t understand neuro diversity without… I’m not “too good” for unskilled jobs but I have professional skills that I’d like to use. I am anxious about high pressure jobs. I’m overwhelmed by what lies in between. Your comments are so unhelpful.

I think the point here is also that you want to find your ‘niche’ it you aren’t sure what it is but you’re not going to find any of these things out without doing.

You’re saying it’s due to ND but I’d say it probably isn’t. I see many people with a very similar Goldilocks / unicorn ticklist which just keeps getting bigger or more complex as I work in recruitment. Quite often they are mums where they feel it needs to be ‘worthwhile’ leaving their kids for, not too stressful but not too menial, bring in enough income, ideally have the option to do school pick up or be term time only, don’t want to travel far, don’t want to be remote completely but not in the office too much, an exciting creative role though but not too much pressure and ideally not too much admin etc etc.

I have one candidate who’s brilliant, incredible experience but I doubt I’ll ever place. Because they keep popping up and going away because no role fits their criteria and I think even if it did, a new criteria would be added.

As others have said, you need the motivation and financially it doesn’t sound like you have a huge one (as in, you’re still managing and therefore procrastinating). It’s like the person that keeps on looking for the perfect house but is so obsessed with it or making a wrong decision that they do nothing and then end up priced out of the market.

I would argue that a lot of people suffer with crippling nerves or anxiety and don’t feel capable. I certainly do. But I’ve fought with myself to just keep going - and also because I have to earn!

You have all of the perfect options already there to create your own ‘unicorn’ job by taking the freelance work. You then see what you like, what you’re good at, what you don’t like. You can be agile and move accordingly to what’s working without looking like your job hopping. Learn about yourself. Even fail a few times and you’ll definitely learn more! And also that can work around the kids, single parent life, term time and create the life you want and meet new people.

You’re cutting yourself off from opportunity when the answer is already there and I think your focussing on it being due to ND when soooooo many people are like you are. You need to stop thinking (nicely) and just do.

I see this attitude quite a lot on MN and it frustrates me.
Being ND doesn’t give you a monopoly on finding life and work hard.

Plenty of us NT people have struggles too.

I hate this assumption that anyone who doesn’t have ADHD or ASD can’t possibly comprehend what it’s like to struggle to find work, or motivate themselves to apply for jobs, or feel confident in their abilities. Of course it’s harder if you have any disability, but being a working parent (especially a single one) is no picnic for any of us.

Perhaps in future OP you should specify that you don’t want anyone NT to reply, if you don’t value our suggestions.

You’re being unrealistic and are all over the place!

If you haven’t worked for years it doesn’t matter how good you are on paper, the work place is changing and currently quite rapidly, you’ll be incredibly lucky to get a job much above “entry level”. If you prove yourself you’ll fly through the ranks but hoping to walk into something after a long time out is challenging at best. When you add in your other requirements you’re onto a hiding to nothing.

At the same time you seem paralysed by fear at the thought of a challenging role, so perhaps a more entry level job makes sense?

Unfortunately, your insistence on playing your neurodiverse card is holidng you back, it's giving you excuses to fail. Lots of people are saying if you're so anxious start with a job that you're over-qualified for, build your confidence and then move on.

You sound great, OP. You just need to take a deep breath, be brave and grab one of those opportunities. Sorry you've had some twatty responses from dimwits too thick to understand the effects your diagnosed ND are having on your ability to get a job.

I've read this discussion with loads of interest because I really relate to aspects of your post. I will admit that I found the mixture of arrogance and lack of self-belief quite frustrating to read but part of my reaction is because I have the same tendency and I think people often get annoyed when they see in others things that they don't like in themselves 😆.

I too am neurodiverse, have great qualifications on paper and have what I think of as a strangely lopsided skills profile, in that at work I can do some complex / creative / analytical things really well but am terrible at certain 'basic' things (in my case admin for sure, and following basic protocols / instructions!). I am sort of simultaneously great and crap. In my case I have survived at work by:

• choosing jobs where I'm not going to be micromanaged so that I have enough accountability to motivate me but enough freedom to do things my way a lot of the time;
• choosing jobs where there are lots of short deadlines (because if I have lots of time to do something, I just won't do it until the last minute) and where there is a lot of human interaction and variety (as otherwise I'd lose motivation fast);
• developing my own iron-clad admin procedures / rules and sticking to them no matter what so that I can't let things slip. This matters to me because stopping to think about the admin or about the systems behind it sends me down a black hole of futility and panic and despair so I have to automate things in order to get myself to do them without thought;
• turning admin things into a game of sorts - my email inbox has quirky colour-coded folders so that sorting emails is more fun and my excel spreadsheets have cool conditional formatting. Yes I'm aware that this is a bit sad.

Where I differ from you I think (maybe I'm being too harsh in saying this to you - I can only go on what you've written) is having a lot of humility. I have learned over time that it really doesn't matter that much if I am really good at aspects of my roles at work. A lot of people are creative and intelligent etc and ALSO good at the hard boring bits like admin. A lot of people have qualifications and experience that look worse than mine but are actually fantastic at work and have different strengths that I do not. When I was younger, I think part of me thought I could get away with not doing certain things like other people because i saw myself as some sort of zany maverick who would ultimately still be 'worth it' because I'd be good enough to make up fory faults. Now I can see that reliability, hard work and not being too up yourself can be the most valuable workplace qualities of all.

I can hazard a guess that part of your paralysing anxiety - which sounds horrible by the way - is actually rooted in how great you think you are. If you think you're pretty brilliant, that creates pressure for you to look brilliant constantly to yourself and to others. But doing a job - any job, in a supermarket or an office or anywhere at all - involves opening yourself up to the risk of not being quite so brilliant a the time. Even if you are truly amazing, you will still have weaknesses, people who are annoyed by you, ways in which you don't live up to your own expectations. So to do nothing and to say that you'd be amazing if you were working keeps you trapped - it is risky to disrupt your own narrative. (Incidentally, I'm sure your anxiety has other causes too - the childcare issue sounds like a very understandable worry and I also get the impression that even when you were working and performing well, this brought you a lot of stress).

I would definitely look into being a TA, receptionist, school janitor etc.

It will get you work experience, give you confidence and you’ll have the holidays off.

You only have to do it for a couple of years until you find your feet.

I get anxious going back to work after my annual leave and so I can only imagine how scary it must be after having years off.

I understand where you're coming from, OP.

I think it's important to recognise though that a lot of people who are NT feel the same way as you do about work. Imposter syndrome is a reality for many of us, as is stress and feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. Work isn't supposed to be easy, otherwise it wouldn't be called work. 😉Being ND doesn't make it uniquely difficult for you and I think by focusing on your ND, you are making work more of a barrier for yourself than it really is.

I'm wondering whether it's the idea of work after all this time out rather than the reality of the tasks you'd have to undertake that is making you feel so overwhelmed and anxious. You're not used to working and are out of the habit, so of course it feels like a huge leap.

I liked a previous PP's suggestion of starting very part time, to help you get your confidence and to get back into the rhythm of the working day. You can then slowly build up your hours as you become more comfortable with the environment and you feel competent in the role.

I will also say - with kindness - you are not as amazing on paper as you think you are. You've had a lot of time out of the workplace since having kids, and plenty of people have amazing degrees from excellent universities. You're a single mum with childcare issues and a big gap on your CV. You really aren't going to be at the top of an employer's pile. So manage your expectations, go for a part time role doing something that interests you (but that will probably be quite entry level) and go from there. Any work is good work in your position, just to get you back in the swing of things. I would strongly encourage you not to take on freelance work - people with ADHD need routine and structure and while it probably feels great not to have any accountability to anyone other than yourself - the reality is, you just won't get the work done.

I didn't say that NT people couldn't understand what it's like to struggle with those things. I said it's impossible for them to understand the particular paralysis experienced by ND people, which is manifestly true.

And I don't think NT people's suggestions are without value at all, far from it. But there's been a hard core of people on this thread who clearly don't get what the OP is describing and instead of making suggestions have just joined in for a nasty pile-on.

Everyone thinks they're a bloody expert in ND issues now, but the reality is that if you haven't had that experience, you haven't got a clue how relentlessly tough it is for ND people to operate in a NT-oriented world that, on your own admission, even NT people sometimes find difficult.

I think there's an element of fear of failure here. Go for something, try to be good enough, don't feel you need to be super brilliant nor crushed by making some mistakes. I used to find having a degree from a particular institution a millstone as I'd think, I should have achieved such and such in my work, however one did not translate to the other. In my experience it's not how good you look on paper that matters, it's being good at your job. Own and accept where you are and give it a go, be it one of the job offers you received, or more of an entry level job and see how you get on.

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. I have ADHD and I recognise what you’re describing.

Teaching Assistant or Learning Support Assistant would not be well paid but would work for your childcare needs. It would also be really mentally and physically engaging, which could be great for staying focused.

If there is a university near you, look for part time support roles - they can be very flexible in terms of hours and include some wfh. Teams like admissions, tutorial, comms, HR and development/alumni relations may suit you and whilst they involve admin, it’s often process driven and the roles include lots of relationship building, comms and creativity that may suit you. They all work well for transferable skills and there are often part time roles. School holidays might be challenging but not impossible with a combination of annual leave, clubs and even unpaid parental leave that you could afford and budget for, given your current circumstances.

I understand the paralysis and self-doubt, but I try to remind myself that I do have choices - nothing has to be forever. It’s not prison. You can try things and move on if it doesn’t work out. But without trying, you will literally stay exactly where you are until a crisis forces you to act and perhaps have less choice than you do now. You also never know where something will take you. You don’t have to plan the next 10 years, just the next step.

There’s a difference between welcoming posts from everyone and not really enjoying posts that minimise the effects of ND.

ND does not give me a monopoly on finding things tough, no. But it is a factor. Just as being a kind parent doesn’t give me the monopoly of finding childcare tough, but it’s also a factor.

You turn down work that has been offered? Why, how does it floor you? I

Have you considered the possibility that you actually have a co-morbid anxiety disorder and that your difficulties with facing work are not wholly due to auDHD? Although many people with ND experience anxiety/overwhelm, if this is much worse than what is usual for you, it may be that anxiety treatment (whether medication or therapy) could help address it.

”playing the ND card”. Bloody hell.

its nothing to panic over, 10,000 jobs in over half a dozen organisations is a drop in the ocean.

@BarbaricYawp I think you’re making it too black and white. It’s not a case of ND vs NT people. No one is completely “normal”, we’ve all got baggage, weakness, things we’re good at and things we’re bad at. Some people have OCD tendencies that make their lives hard, some people have random incapacitating depressive episodes. Many people have had huge traumas in their lives that affect their ability to cope with certain situations.

Covering her ears and saying “you don’t understand me, I’m not listening” is not going to get OP a job.

Thank you 😂 Deep breath and be brave is the plan!

Such a helpful post, thank you. I wouldn’t be quite so frank about this irl but a lot of what you said really resonated.

So, so helpful. Thank you

Contact the national careers service for help. What are your it skills like? AI?
something term time only is very rare unless in a school/ la.
Read “ what color is your parachute?” For a strategy to find the right job.
look at some on line careers tests- lots available.