Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

I’m not sure you understand the real difficulties that occur in the workplace for ADHD people.
It’s great that you have motivation and courage to navigate the labour market. I honestly do wish you success.
I can only speak for myself but the world of work has been challenging to say the least.
The reality is that reasonable adjustments only go so far.

I don’t wish you failure but life in the workplace with severe ADHD is hard. Really hard.

I can’t stress enough how much work you will need to do to be successful in the employment market.

Yeah, the funny thing is that I have the reputation of being really good at admin. I’m really not! I can do it but struggle to motivate myself so much. But it’s astonishing how many people ask me to help with forms, legal documents, finance documents etc too - I’m much better at helping other people than getting on with my own life admin! 🫣

@TinklySnail
“I’m not sure you understand the real difficulties that occur in the workplace for ADHD people.“

As a 40 something woman with ADHD and 15+ years of work under my belt, yes I think I do have some understanding actually.

Ah, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad ballnews but when you have ADHD in the workplace you are going to come up against people who don’t understand.
You have already said ‘you are useless’
Why do you think an employer will think any higher of you?

Kindness does not get you through life as an employee.
If all you wanted was a sympathetic ear, you should have said.

Because previous employers have thought highly of me? Because 99% of the overwhelm and anxiety I feel is kept in my head and not verbalised? Because (a lot of) companies now understand ND and are more inclusive than there were 20 years ago?

I think from all the suggestions it comes down to two choices:

1. Take the freelance work you are offered. This sounds more like the sort of work you want to do (and believe you are skilled for). Once you start taking on these jobs it could lead to further opportunities. As it is freelance you could pick and choose, and also potentially still have time to job hunt.

1. The complete opposite. You get panicky about applying for more senior jobs despite your degrees and knowing you are good on paper. Build your confidence by taking on a menial job/lower entry job just to get used to being in the workplace again. You have pointed out a number of potential issues surrounding your children and lack of childcare, so the obvious solution is a school based job. As you point out you aren't good/don't like admin, so I don't think school receptionist/office staff would work, but with your own ND experience and own child with ADHD then being a TA would be a good option.

Just wanted to add that I did apply for an entry-level position at a local shop based around my hobby as a means of getting back into the workforce. Minimum wage.

I was literally laughed out of there as overqualified. So no job and now I can never show my face in the shop again!

What I didn’t need was criticism, predictions of doom and people imploring me to work at Tesco.

Ffs. The OP asked for advice and suppport about how to go about getting a doable job, as a highly qualified ND person who's lacking in confidence. Tge answer is apparently 'Stop being lazy and thinking anyone gives a crap about you. You're a snob - how dare you want a job suitable for someone with your qualifications?'.

I'm coming to the conclusion that the threads complaining that MN is just full of nasty, malicious keyboard warriors are actually right.

I actually think it's funny how people are looking down at working in Tesco. I have a relative that had a summer job in a supermarket as a teenager and then continued to work in supermarkets full time when they left school. Many years later they earn much more than me (with my two degrees and student loan that is unlikely to ever be paid off) as they worked their way up to management level.
Likewise some of the kids from school who were always seen as not very bright are the ones raking in the money with their trade roles (plumbing) or even again McDonald's managers.

It's not a binary choice between kind platitudes and character assassinations. Some people have actually made constructive comments and suggestions.

What a snob!

Thank you. This summarises it nicely! Although lots of really kind posters too who have helped

Honestly @User74893773 i think you are most likely a very bright person who has done well academically and professionally, and now you’ve a chronic fear and dread what the workplace will be like for you, I actually disagree that ‘a job, any job’ is what you need right now, I don’t think that’s being snobbish or aloof, but I get the sense that you would feel worse in a job that doesn’t nurture your talents than in no job at all. I could be wrong, but honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong in feeling that way and owning it. There’s nothing wrong with knowing your professional worth, and indeed you should figure out early what your financial needs and wants are so you don’t undervalue yourself when an offer comes your way. If you’ve been to three universities, and have solo parent childcare to cover, I don’t think minimum wage roles should be your starting point at all.

I think you need to figure out what sort of job you want to be in successfully in 2-3 years time, and working out a path to get there. If you are not on LinkedIn, set yourself up, and make it a goal to connect with say ten new people a week, and send a short message saying you are finding a path back to the workforce and would value any advice or help they can give.

Ask somebody to mentor you. I know someone doing an MBA and an element they have to complete is coaching.

Write a blog post every day, 150 words. You don’t need to publish it, just have it for yourself as a professional journal. I think this creative process would be helpful for you. In time, you could plan to publish one a week on LinkedIn.

All the time you are positioning yourself as an expert in your field. You need to put in the time now to rebuild your professional persona. If you set aside 30-60 minutes focus time every day, same time x five days a week, you are investing in yourself.

I think you are catastrophising a little bit about what you can’t do (admin, etc). I’m terrible at admin, and I let it pile up, and you should see the state of my inbox. But nobody knows but me. Nobody needs to know about my ADHD or about my home life or about how I used to have regular panic attacks driving to work when I first went back. To look at me now, most people wouldn’t have a clue; the small number of people who remember me back in those early back-to-work days are in my past now.

That’s fab. I hope you can survive with 40 years under your belt 👍

i work with a lot of neurodiverse women,
many have Access to work to make their life easier.
they work despite the obstacles

Yeah, I thought this too after a few responses.
It’s a living hell in the workplace when you have ADHD.
I've spent the last 40 years navigating the labour market and to say it’s tough is an understatement.
Just because you have a diagnosis, doesn’t mean it’s going to be a bed of roses until retirement.

I'd really love to know why some posters think it's so unreasonable and snobbish for a person to want to do the kind of job that fits with their level and type of education and training. Or are you only saying that because the OP is ND?

I teach lots of very bright girls, quite a few of whom have adhd and/or autism. As well as the academic stuff, we do our best to help them develop strategies so that their ND traits don't hold them back from the kind of great jobs they are intellectually capable of. I very much doubt that what they are hoping for is a supermarket job. Would you really tell them they are snobbish?

I’ve not assassinated anyone.
I have given my experience of the labour market as someone with ADHD.
If anyone feels I’ve been judgmental I apologise, but it’s always a good thing to be honest.

@BarbaricYawp your way of empathising was to tell OP to ignore all the NT people who wouldn’t understand. That’s what I found frustrating. Discounting a whole load of other people.

I said no such thing.

I’m also autistic/ADHD and work in a very autistic unfriendly career. For me I’m fine when I’m actually doing the job, but if I take time out then I convince myself that I’m not suitable for my job. Maybe just take a job and see how it goes? If it really doesn’t suit you then you can always leave. I think overthinking makes it seem worse than it actually is.

I would say surely this backs up why you should take up some of the freelance or speak up about your ND to employers because as you say, many are much more receptive to this from the start. You also said you know employers have spoken highly about you and you can function really well. So go, and do that! It suits your experience so much more. You’ll be in control, start as small as you like and build confidence. I’m still not sure if we’ve established why this is a complete no go?
Surely this is the best option if you’re not going to find an exact right role.

I do get what you’re saying and how you’re struggling. But you do need to push yourself and rip the plaster off because otherwise you’ll keep overthinking and going in circles. I reckon you’d start some freelance and in two months time wonder what you were so worried about.

Thank you so much, this is so helpful xx