Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

The Ikigai test may be useful - https://ikigaitest.com/. All about finding stuff you're good at, interested in, that the world needs, that is paid for.

(though I didn't get a result I liked!)

You'd be surprised re retail. I spent some years working in bookshops and virtually everyone there had at least one degree to complement their minimum wage/

Most people who work in supermarkets (or similar jobs) are over qualified. It's not about what's on paper, it's about willing, can do attitude and mindset.

Realistically, you need to apply for basic entry level jobs and then work your way up (unless you start your own business).

The type of role you're after (interesting, using the right skills, office/WFH and flexible around school hours/holidays) is a bit of a unicorn, to be honest...

You say you're good on paper, which I believe (many people are great from an academic perspective but struggle with the practical/real world), but "useless" with everything else... I don't want to sound harsh, but I'd honestly suggest that you need to tailor your options to your current reality as opposed to your dreams.

I’d love to work in a bookshop and have 2 degrees and half a Masters 😁

YABU for being so secretive about degrees. How on earth are we going to help you then? For example Computer Science, Nursing, Business Administration are all degrees for very sought after professions but they have so little in common that the advice we could give you would vary wildly.
Why are you so petty with regards to secrecy? I agree with other PP that say you don't seem to want to work.

OP, I relate to this so much! The anxiety, overwhelm and inertia... the being "intelligent" and qualified but finding even basic work tasks tterrifying. Makes me have a breakdown at work on a weekly basis. You say you're kind and creative - would you consider being a teaching assistant? You could specialise in neurodiversity. Term time only but the pay is terrible- but it's something!

Not RTFT but have you tried civil service? Big recruitment drive now to enforce the petty new rules from Keir lol.

I have ADHD. Motivation is hard for me. When I was living at home with my mom, I had the free time to work full-time and more and my parents never charged me a penny to live under their roof, so I worked but not as tirelessly as I could. This period of my life reminds me of how you’re talking about your life currently - you can manage on what you have, but want more.

The motivation came when I was 3 years out of living at home, co-habiting with my now-husband. Needing money to be able to feed ourselves, doing any and all work 6 days a week that I could get my hands on. Once I was in this routine of hard work it carried on until I was 7 months pregnant, barely able to walk to the bus stop and still working 11-7 most days. It’s hard to be motivated when you’re surviving without having to do the extra work, I imagine.

But the ideal job sometimes isn’t all you’ve built it up to be in your head, even. I am self-employed in a creative industry, have a very accommodating boss (I am self employed but rent a space in a tattoo shop). The job of my dreams as a teenager, I get to dress as outlandishly as I want and listen to punk rock and draw pictures all day.

But I still get the stomach-sinking dread of having to go to work often, even when on paper it is exactly what I want with good people who allow me to be off for weeks with my young son. I think I’ve just come to realise that work isn’t always destined to be the joy of your life - and that’s what my hobbies and downtime are for. The work admin still bogs down my ADHD brain and I mess up often, even though it’s really not difficult.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but maybe set yourself a goal of how much you want to earn and take a simple job for now. You should not be putting off the dentist because you can’t afford it (speaking from experience, having had a molar pulled as I couldn’t work during COVID and couldn’t afford to deal with it as it rotted in my mouth). Once you’ve been back in the workforce I’m sure your confidence will return, and it’s good to meet new people too. You could be waiting forever for the perfect job to come up.

Op, I'm pretty sure I'm very ADHD, possibly slightly autistic but undiagnosed. I'm very lacking in confidence at times with life, admin, my ability to work, organising things, just everything really... but I have had to return to work recently after 7 years at home with my two youngest children.

I have 3 DC and I work part time from home in a freelance news editor role, that I was lucky enough to be offered literally three weeks after I put an open to work up on LinkedIn... not wanting to be too outing, but it's an old employer and in school hours, so it's on the same terms as you'd like.

I was like you, terrified at going back to work, huge imposter syndrome, and probably even more than the average person as I had a terrible head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago, before being injured by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. I've got a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, and it's been hell at times. Absolutely hell.

But, I'm just getting on with it. I know i was extremely lucky to find work so quickly but I think my body was totally broken after my health issues (and perimenopause now too lol), but I've proved that there is hope. People just do these things because they have to.

If i can do it, you can too.

Apologies - I misread your use of NEED in the OP.

Just wanted to say that I completely get where you're coming from @User74893773 and really sympathise. I think some of the harsher replies you're getting come from people who are NT and haven't experienced the confusion and paralysis that the world of work can induce in ND people, particularly coming back after a break. I'm self-employed but struggle a lot with executive function, confidence and a variety of mental blocks. I'm autistic and also have PTSD, plus some physical health problems. I'm currently trying to expand what I do, upskill and get more clients now that kids are older and I could theoretically work more. I need the money but being motivated to work and earn isn't the magic bullet some here seem to think. I just wanted to say I can hear you're struggling and not lazy. I don't know that I have any advice or ideas for you, but don't be hard on yourself, even when people are urging you to be. It's counterproductive anyway. Feel free to PM. I hear a lot of myself in you. x

I don’t have to start at the bottom with “something easy”. 🫣

could you be a house keeper or cleaner,
good pay, left alone

You worked in a supermarket after you graduated. The same as being in your 40’s.

I didn’t want to make this about my children but yes one has ASD and although they’re at school it is a factor in holiday time childcare. Just an extra layer of complication.

Can you reach out to people in your previous niche specialism(s) and see if they can offer you consultancy. This could often be a few weeks and you could fit it round the children.

Supermarkets aren't very realistic as they are shedding staff due to self service tills and management streaming ( possibly AI).

Another option is a teaching assistant or school based early learning assistant so it fits in termtime

There are coding online courses for computing careers around.

Some people also do writing for publications. Would this be possible for your niche areas?

I’m similar in that I think I’m unemployable. Haven’t been able to get one job offer in years . Rare I even get an interview. Combination of lack of any qualifications, dyscalculia , ASD, ADHD, Crohns, FND and ME. Plus a criminal record and a severe communication disorder. Nobody wants to employ me I feel literally useless

It does sound a bit harsh tbh. I’m not useless at everything but academics. I listed lots of things I’m good at. I’ve always done well (from the outside) at work. Going back is a whole other thing though.

You do write fluently - that's one good thing

It’s very much not that “I can’t be bothered” to apply for jobs.

Is there something you can do to make money in the meantime, while you look for a job? Sometimes it takes a while, for any of us. But I also know a couple of people who do well in their own small businesses that they started because they couldn't find jobs. So it doesn't hurt to also think outside the box. Good luck.

Petty? Gosh. Ironic user name!

Thankyou that’s so kind. Probably really pathetic of me but I rarely get any compliments so that means a lot to me! I often feel stupid for not having formal qualifications and wish so much I’d had more support at school rather than just being allowed to simply drop out

Thank you for getting it. You’re right, the TA pay is rubbish but I have thought about it because it would fit with my children. (And I think I’d enjoy it!)

Thank you so much xx

OK, ignore everyone’s advice and stay unemployed for the rest of your life, it doesn’t affect me!

But you come across as if you think you’re too good for unskilled jobs, but too anxious to apply for harder jobs, and too picky for anything in between.

So in answer to your original question - I agree, YANBU to think that you’ll never find a job.