Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

You’ve said exactly what I’d probably say to someone in my position. Hard to take the advice but you’re right. Once I start a new job I think I’ll be ok.

Nothing to do with neurodiversity.
My initial suggestion of just getting any job was based on the original post where I interpreted it as them needing to find a job as they needed the money (at this point it wasn't known they have a rental providing income).

When I later suggested working as a TA it was because this could help give them confidence getting back into the workplace and work around their childcare issues/wanting a term time only job. I also thought with their neurodiversity they could work well with young people and have empathy (so I guess I did kind of take their ND into account here).

I think any other form of job is just too big a mountain or the wrong thing. This allows you to take things in chunks. Gain confidence. And if things go wrong, which they will because that’s life, try and think about it like it was someone else giving you advice.
Also - a lot of the time those freelance gigs and developing relationships are your way in to a perm role should you want it. If they like you and it’s working, they are more likely to offer you some flexibility around children and how your contract looks as you’ve proved yourself.
It is literally like anything - the more you think about it the worse it gets. The anticipation of the dentist. Or for me I think I hate flying, which I do, but quite often the airport and up to take off is the worst bit.

If you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always got x

@AllProperTeaIsTheft with respect this is a different situation to the girls you teach. We are not saying that the OP shouldn’t aim for a career she loves, but that she needs some form of work experience. And no one is going to offer her a senior level job when she has had years out of the work place.
I just get sick of people who feel the rest of us in good jobs are somehow lucky to get where we are. We often put our babies in nursery at 8 months, we missed sunny afternoons and school plays, we did all of this to be able to sit back a bit later.

You think what I said was character assassination?

Your strengths being creative and persuasive, plus university educated - perhaps look into lecturing? It would give you the holidays off / wfh?

I wholeheartedly aggressive with you,
It’s not dissing ADHD, it’s being realistic in a workplace.
Whilst I would love to say it’s easy , it’s not. There are plenty of people vying for the same job and having a disability does make it more difficult and challenging.
It’s not saying you can’t get a job you want, more you will need to work harder to overcome the obstacles you face.

There's always an element of luck. Also, where did the OP say she wanted a senior role? Maybe OP won't find something perfect for her, but given her qualifications, aiming a little higher than a supermarket checkout job doesn't seem unreasonable!

Holiday childcare isn't that big a deal.
Get a holiday nanny if holiday camps don't work for your kids. Plenty of nanny agencies offer them. They can be great - enthusiastic students or charming Aussies on working holiday visas, can take the kids out on day trips or do sports or chill at home.

Yes it is expensive. But you are already covering your living costs via rental income and maintenance so if you have to spend 20pc of your annual income on some holiday childcare, the 80pc of your annual income that isn't spend on childcare is still an uplift to your current income.

It's not like when you are in benefits and your marginal gains from working are minimal as you lose your benefits - all your additional income is on top of your existing income so if you have to spend some of your new income on childcare, so be it.

So don't use childcare as a reason. Plenty of us don't have grandparents on hand and live in big cities far across the sea from them. It's perfectly normal in London.
Your situation is not uniquely complicated.

Like the rest of your reasons, this is not a valid one for why you can't work.

What type of work have you previously done? It’s hard to help you without knowing what work you’ve done previously.

I’m not trying to argue that there are valid reasons for me not to work. I’m saying it’s a struggle at the moment.

Again. An incredibly unhelpful post. I hope you’re not this unkind irl.

For sure, women who go back to work after mat leave put in the hard yards and justly deserve the reward that comes later, in hopefully achieving promotions along the way, salary increases, and pension contributions. Women who take time out to stay at home for an extended period more often than not rejoin the workforce at a lower rank and payscale than they were previously on, and never really recoup the loss in lifelong earnings. I don’t think the op is expecting to jump back into a flying career like the gap wasn’t there. It’s an unfortunate reality that the gender gap exists, and the SAH years make that worse. I’m still on a lower salary than I was on in 2004, and I’m back in the workforce ten years.

Estate agent or recruiter? You'd have the chats and relationship building and be able to do that as you're educated but no need for boring long written reports etc

What I didn’t need was criticism, predictions of doom and people imploring me to work at Tesco

you’ve been deliberately evasive about your degrees, qualifications and the 15 yrs of work experience you have. Without having any idea of how long you’ve been out of work, whether you were qualified as a clinical biologist, a trusts lawyer or metrology engineer, and with your references to anxiety and panic people are going to suggest something that is achievable for someone with unspecified qualifications and no recent experience

Try going to an agency. In person. I've been searching for a job for months and tried registering with agencies online/over the phone. They were all awful. I've been in despair. My friend dragged me to one in person today and it made all the difference! They know exactly what they're doing and where to place people. I feel a little positive for the first time in years. Good luck to you. I suspect you can do more than you think you can!

i would actually be a phenomenal estate agent 😂

I think you are just asking for some support x it is scary throwing yourself in to a job when you still have children who need you and no back up childcare and when you’ve not been working for a while x go easy on yourself. Remember you are good at what you do maybe take the next opportunity an see what happens :)

Go into some and ask if they have any jobs going. My friend did this with no experience and wound up being one for five years!

I used to work in Higher education administration, the sector is shedding jobs currently. It’s also very hierarchical and the way you are coming across, I’m not saying it’s good or bad but I think that it would irritate you,.

Well, go on then! What's stopping you? If you're good you can make decent money. It does help to be personable though...

I haven't been able to read all the replies but a few things.

Firstly, looking for basically a full time home based and term time only job is like buying a unicorn. You might just have to suck it up and get perm to start with, look into holiday camps, childminders etc. You will need some childcare back up to be able to juggle this.

In pretty much all jobs i've had ( from starting to senior manager) there is always some admin, so don't discount anything on this basis. If you can cope with the kids life admin, you can cope with a job admin.

It sounds very much like you are trying to talk yourself out of having a job, your post includes quite a lot if excuses, you need to build up your confidence! I absolutely have ADHD and possibly ASD too ( paid for my child assessment, couldn't afford mine but we are basically the same!) I struggle to focus, so i set small goals and sometimes even timers to plough through the work.

I have been a full time working single parent. It is doable but you have to find some self belief and you also have to be realistic about the types of jobs you will be able to get after being out of the game for so long.

Best of luck!

But what are you expecting other people to do about it? You need to find a way of addressing your issues