Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

This thread is starting to get it all. You don’t know real love until you have children; and if you only have one child then you don’t know what actually being a parent is really like; and if your children aren’t your entire identity then you obviously aren’t a good enough parent.

Women can’t win, can they?

So she isn’t a “real” parent because she only has one? Christ I don’t even have kids and I find that offensive.

Would that be similar to the wall parents hit when the 'purpose' in their lives moves out?

I think many people, with or without kids hit a wall at some point. It used to be called a 'mid-life crisis'. It's a point where the 'what-ifs' start nipping round your ankles.

Nobody is totally fulfilled all of the time, because nothing stays the same. For parents, , especially if they are the sort who put all their eggs into the child basket, empty nest syndrome can be terribly hard.

For people with all their eggs in the career basket, redundancy can trigger a crisis. 'What will I do now?'

Sometimes it's just a weariness of the same old, same old after so many years. This certainly isn't exclusive to those without children. Nothing is the end of the road, guaranteed lifetime of fulfilment.

I know. I despair. It’s like some people can’t see any other way to live a happy fulfilled life than the way they have chosen, and everyone else is wrong/inferior/secretly deluding themselves.

To be honest I could change the word child for dog. My dog loves me completely unconditionally.

I struggle with this even though I have two kids! To me motherhood is not a purpose …

The bugger with dogs is they don't live long enough 😞

So as someone who cannot have kids despite wanting them, should I just give up now then? Not really much point to my life is there right?

I have a child. I’m commenting because I was contentedly childfree till the age of 40, so I have the experience of 20 adult years of not planning to have a child, more than I have had as a parent. And dealt with the usual set of odd attitudes and comments (‘Not having children is selfish’/‘Wont you regret it?’ ‘You’ll be lonely when you’re old’ etc) the child-free seem to invite from randoms. And because I don’t think my childfree life and my life as a parent are all that different. DS is not my purpose.

I have a child but this is ridiculous. You think there's a "limit" to live for women if they don't have children?

@wishiwasjoking
I think most people with kids have very inward-facing lives and don't really care they're stuck in cycles of ferrying kids around, cooking and laundry. It would drive me insane.

This is as ridiculous as parents saying women don't have "purpose" without kids. Everyone's life is different. My life (and I'm a parent) is not stuck in those cycles. Yes I take DD places and obviously I cook and do laundry (do you not require food and clean clothes when you're childless?) but I also still have a good career and engage in my hobbies and have a fulfilling relationship with my husband. We go on holidays, we spend time with family and friends. What do you do differently to not be driven "insane"?

I'm a childfree/less (not sure which tbh!) woman & I definitely feel like an overgrown baby in society sometimes. Despite being single for decades and making all my own decisions, managing viccicitudes of life by myself, job changes, buying a house, moving house, relocating, generally maintaining life alone I'm still not really a grown up, I'm just dancing on the boundary.

I don't like to admit it but I probably don't know the deepest kind of love mankind has to offer (maternal) and I probably will be lonely when I'm older but I'm sure I'll manage....

....just like I always have. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it can actually be worse.

Some older people have kids who never bother visiting them. That must be tough when you have done so much for them.

I know. That’s the sad bit but they have a bloody good life for the years they are here and bring so much joy to me and I hope me to them.

I'm childfree by choice and don't fit any of your stereotypes. What box shall I go in?

So narrow minded.

Sad they felt they needed kids to feel accepted.

The herd sound very judgemental as seen on this thread.

Dont have kids, oh poor you....
Only have one, that's not the full mum experience....
Ditto, mother to only girls/boys,
mother to kids with no medical needs, the list is endless.

All coming from mothers who should know better.

Thing is, some people are content in themselves, and some aren't.

Trying to make up for their lives through their kids.

Unhappy people always try to project on to others.

Fascinating? What, like some kind of strange science experiment where the unused womb bemuses you?

This is so ridiculous. The only wall I'm hitting is the one I'm banging my head against over comments like this.

So so true!

I think that the truth is more mundane. I’m not able to afford expensive holidays and hobbies because, being divorced and childless, I only have one income in my house. That income has to stretch to cover my elderly father who lives in my house and only has a state pension. It’s really tough and no way can I ever justify a holiday.

I was always ambivalent about children, but the discovery of PCOS in my late 20’s and my then husband having practically no sperm concentrated our minds.

we could have tried ivf, but we didn’t pursue it because it didn’t feel right. We looked into adoption but again, didn’t feel,right. I think I knew then that despite our apparent efforts, neither of us really wanted it and neither of us thought that we would be parents. Now, 17 years later, I’m glad I didn’t have children.

I have never looked for purpose in my life. I’ve been a school,Governor but that was because I’d just swapped careers from teaching to the nhs and wanted to have some strategic management experience on my cv. It was fairly interesting and I stuck it for 12 years before quitting. Volunteering wise I feel that covers me.

my hobbies are cheap. I like reading, writing and drawing. None of which I do on a regular basis because it’s easier to just flop in front of the tv and try to forget who hates me most today (I work for NHSE).

im content with my life without children. I’m close to my nieces but apart from them and any offspring they have, I’m not interested.

my dog is an important part of my life and my dad is there and needing my presence at the moment, not more than that.

I don’t believe in a higher purpose. I think it’s enough to just bumble along and have fun where you can.

I always knew I wanted children- couldn’t and still can’t explain why, just a biological urge. I actually think it’s more logical NOT to have them and can completely understand on an intellectual level why women chose not to have them but emotionally I couldn’t bear to be without mine. I think it’s all very natural to question your life choices in middle age. I question mine all the time and think about the past. But whatever choices we’ve made, we are where we are in life and have to make the best of it. No one really knows the answers to the what ifs of the past, including having children. We don’t really know how anything would’ve turned out from our past regrets. A certain level of reflection is natural but we can’t get stuck in a cycle of regret, we can only continue moving upwards and onwards.

I also don’t equate being a mother with being a wife or a partner. I cannot imagine what it’s like to have been with someone for decades. I have a very chequered relationship history and my natural state of being is to live alone (with my children) . To me being a mother and being a partner are two very distinct things which don’t really bear much relation to the other. We are all different 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understand OP as I too struggle with this. I don't have children (by circumstance), have no siblings, and few close family members. I feel less important than those who are mothers, aunties, sisters, sisters-in-law etc. I don't really know what my purpose is, and I sometimes think I will simply be a burden on other peoples children or relatives when I am old and alone.

But, I do have some good friends. I am very scared of the future and struggle a lot with anxiety, but I would like to think that my purpose is to be a good friend and to be someone who others get enjoyment out of spending time with. That I can add a bit of colour to their lives and to be someone who cares about them.

I hope that that is enough. Not all of us are lucky enough to be surrounded by blood relations, but that doesn't mean we don't have love and care to direct to others.

Give it time and you'll hit that wall. Eventually you'll have an epiphany about the pointless of your existence, and spend the rest of your days curled up on the bed moaning that you have never experienced real love.

Yes and give it time and your one brain cell might grow a twin to enable you to think on a more logical level