Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

@Mukey

Or are you one of those that does the “oh no I didn’t mean you! I mean women that didn’t WANT children.” For some reason their childless old age will be lonelier than mine?

As a single parent I see a particularly toxic variation of this logic failure on the threads where people lay into WOHMs for "farming" their children out to childcare. When I point out that I have no alternative but to work there's always some idiot who pops up to say: "I know but it's different for single mums."

So by this logic you won't be lonely in old age if you're infertile because its not your fault and you won't fuck your children's lives up by working if you're single because its not your fault. But anyone who choses either to be childless or to work and have children is morally flawed and will be lonely or damage their children's lives. OK then....

Judgement with no intellectual rigour or consistency. It can get in the bin.

This 😀

See it too often too. I work part time, so I fall into "must be nice to be able to afford that" (we'd have a lot less stress if I were full time) and "wouldn't it be better if you just gave it up and stayed home with her?".

Sick of women judging women for making choices that women fought hard for us to be able to have.

Let women do what they want with their lives and bodies!

As a mum I think ahead to the near future when my kids are young adults and wonder about my purpose. I was really happy before kids but when I became their mum I felt a depth of feeling and purpose that blew everything else out of the water. What I’m trying to say is this feeling happens to mums also once they have reared their kids. I guess I can do all the things I didn’t have time to do in their younger years but I think I’ll always reflect on them being my greatest years.

This!

Apologies if anyone has already said this

I literally cannot read the whole thread because of the changes MN made to my settings 😱 I would have to do the endless scroll thing and I can't bear that

People find meaning in very different things. Are you at the stage where you need meaning? Because that might even be some kind of creative outlet. For example, I used to dabble in creative writing and seeing a recent amazing play made me quite emotional because I think it must be wonderful to be so into something.

It's the same way a musician might look out at the audience and you can the absolute joy in their faces - I initially meant the musician, but actually the audience too.

Maybe that's what you're looking for. And maybe there is a joy that you can find. I don't know who said it, but there's a quote - the thing about art is that life is no longer meaningless - and I know what they mean.

I have spent most of my life just trying to survive, but I think I might finally be at a stage where I can make the pursuit of artwork into something meaningful. It doesn't mean I'm going to become an artist in a commercial sense. But Johann Hari talked about this in one of his books - that for many artists, the point of the art is the art. And when they've finished one canvas, they cannot wait to get started on the next one.

Is it possible that's the kind of drive and passion and commitment that you're looking for?

God no!

That’s a bit insulting, tbh, although I’m guessing on a parenting platform, you don’t mean it to be. I have never had kids, never done anything to prevent it. I don’t debate my purpose in life except as one of those insanely huge life questions ‘Why are we here/what is the purpose of life?’ I like to think that I make my DH happy, I have purpose in my job and help students to achieve/enjoy learning. I’m sure there are many other childless people who contribute (or even don’t think they contribute depending on their job, although I’m bloody sure they do) and have purpose in life without needing to have dc. I hope you’re ok, OP.

You can have a lonely old age regardless of your family make up.

@fitzwilliamdarcy if someone posts on a forum called MUMSnet they are going to get replies from mums. You can’t filter the mums out of a forum that actually has the work “mum” in it. Most people on MN are mums, and plenty of them (myself included) have said positive things to OP. I went through years of infertility so I spent a huge amount of time contemplating life without ever having children.

Actually, a lot of us mums here had a life before children. Some of us thought we wouldn't be parents and then were, and so are in a position to give our thoughts on both sides.

I've already given my thoughts to OP, but as a woman who thought I couldn't be a mum I planned my life child free and was just as happy by the thought of that future as the thought of my future with DD in it. We can give valid thoughts on whether there is "purpose" outside of child rearing. Not all parents are going to insist that every woman should be a mother to give life meaning. Some of us believe that whatever choice you make in life is valid.

This thread isn’t on the mumsnetters without children board, it’s on aibu. Anyone can post.

Posters offering that perspective is grand, it’s the ones going “you won’t know love unless you’re a mum” etc etc etc whose contribution I’m calling unhelpful.

I’m very aware that this is MUMSnet and therefore mums are entitled to come onto a thread where a person without kids is seeking support for that position and rant away about how being a mum is the only true purposeful thing a woman can do etc etc etc. It’d just be grand if they could not do that.

If you’re not doing that then I wasn’t talking about you.

Sadly, on a public forum, you're going to get opinions you disagree with.

That's interesting, have you been on hormonal contraception your whole life? That definitely affects feelings and urges.

I love my kid but think all others are gross. I think my nieces/nephew are cute but annoying. I know it's a cliché but your own child is incomparable to anyone else's because they are half you. Progeny.

I wouldn't say having a baby gave my life purpose per se, but it did bring a lot of clarity about what's important in life. My career is just a job. They'll replace me in the blink of an eye if I died tomorrow. I get paid the same regardless of if I work my ass off or stick to 9-5. Whereas before all those meetings and slide decks seemed so terribly important for some reason.

I have not been on hormonal contraception my whole life, and I do have a child (who is the best thing in the world, to me and her dad). But I was never broody, ever. Even now I have DD, babies don't make me broody, I don't look back at her baby years and think "awww I want that again", I don't have the yearning to be pregnant again, or even to go back to when I was pregnant with DD.

My sister, my best friends, my cousin's all went on the pill or other as older teenagers (I did, but it did not agree with me), and all of them have always had the desire to be mothers.

Some women aren't broody. That's just a fact.

I’m mid 40s and child free. I’m just living my life - I don’t have an amazing career, or spend my time volunteering just to ‘make up’ for the fact that I don’t have children. I’m just living my life the same as everyone else. It just so happens I don’t have children.

@applebee33 I hate to break it to you, but just because you have children, it doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely in old age!

(having a child just so I’m not lonely in old age doesn’t seem like a big enough reason for me to have one)

(having a child just so I’m not lonely in old age doesn’t seem like a big enough reason for me to have one)

Not to mention it would be incredibly selfish. The kid didn't ask to be here.

Just want to say thank you 🙏 I’m not OP but I have been through the same doubts since hitting my 40s and your reply really resonated and helped, so thank you once again. ❤️

@alwaysdeleteyourcookies

Someone recently started a thread on here to say that they had two young children and were really struggling but they had them for the ‘long game’ - extremely sad and I feel for the poor children.

OP, you're getting a lot of grief here, I think unfairly. Having children is a huge part of most people's life and it's natural as you hit the point where this really isn't going to happen to stop and think about that. I'm in that position and yes, I think about it and have mixed feelings about how things turned out.

And the love of a parent for a child is different from any other love. Yes, we are both going to miss out of that part of life. But no one gets to do all the things. And that's okay.

And not every parent does discover their purpose in their children. There are the really bad ones who just don't seem to bother. And there are the ones who love their kids but find it hard and aren't sure if they'd make the same decision if they had their time over again. Parenting is hard and impacts your life so completely.

My mother whinges endlessly about the lack of contact from my brother. This astonishes me, but I don’t think she’s realised he emigrated to try get rid of her.

I have two kids and, while I love them lots, I really don’t see them as being my only purpose in life or my only role in life as being their mum.
I’m a daughter, a friend, a partner, a sister, a volunteer and award winning in my field at work. All those roles give me a sense of purpose/usefulness. Ultimately I think if we are enjoying our lives and aiming to help all our loved ones enjoy theirs then we are winning. The love you feel for a new baby or a child is certainly different than that you feel for other important people in your life but I don’t think it’s necessarily true that means you love them more. You don’t feel the same kind of love for a partner you do for a best friend, sibling or parent but again I don’t think it means you must love your partner more. They are just different relationships.
Never having kids will mean you miss some experiences but equally allows you the opportunity to gain others that parents might well not have the chance to. No one gets to do everything so I think you just have to embrace the life and opportunities you have and enjoy them as much as you can.