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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if you’ve been beautiful all your life

247 replies

Itssundayiminlove · 16/03/2025 19:45

It must be very difficult to age?

I was lovely looking when younger, ok older, but never beautiful or even pretty, but nice when younger. I have a friend who I haven’t seen for a few years, she was always absolutely stunning. I’ve just seen a picture of her and there’s a big difference in how she looks now (we’re mid-late 40’s now)

It got me thinking how that must be even harder than for the average person ageing?

OP posts:
newnamename · 16/03/2025 20:42

NC for this.

Ok. I will take the bait.

Firstly, I thought Op was asking for herself. As it is your friend, it really depends on her outlook on life how she views this change, she may care, she may not care. So ageing is an individual thing.

I have been considered gorgeous all my life. My usual compliment was beauty and brains. Women commented that what made me more beautiful and lovely was the fact that I was oblivious to the beauty and was focused on being a good human being, Indeed, I love life, love people and always look for the good in everyone.

I also loved books. Which meant I got a good education and a good career- this was always my focus. I have always been into my hobbies: long walks, swimming, gym etc because I am in a demanding profession so that was the way for me to unwind and de-stress. So it meant I am always in shape. I also relied on healthy eating- parents brought me up on that- to help me manage the demands of my career. But was never 'starving'. I have always liked to eat when I feel a bit hungry as I enjoy my food better. I have a small appetite so like to saviour my food when I eat.

I then hit mid 40s. Still looking 10 years younger but picked up an injury. That injury meant sometimes a 7 minute walk would leave me needing a week to recover. So I gave in. It has now taken a good 18 months for that injury to heal properly. That was a difficult time for me as I enjoyed being active for a feel good factor and to keep me in shape. I could do zero. It was at this time I wish when I was in my 20s and 30s I was like those young women who did no exercise but just dieted to keep in shape. Although I ate healthily 80% of the time, I never denied myself a chocolate bar if I wanted it as I would burn it off at my next session. There I was now, unable to move and not much of a dieter. I did put on 8 kilos, however, wore mostly same clothes and I didn't panic as I have always known I am lucky my weight evens out over whole body and it is never concentrated in one area. Instead of panicking I embraced it and tried fasting here and there and probably settled at 5or 6 kilos over. [I refused to allow my mind drift into despair although I was heartbroken at lack of even a 15 min walk. even a hot tub was over stimulating so could n't use it 'properly' or at all, although we have one at home.]

I am now back to being able to swim even 4 days in a row- would you believe. recently told I am glowing. I know it s the happiness that I can take some exercise. I try to limit to one day a week or 2 days a week as I really don't need to move much.

On ageing- I do feel sorry whenever I go to annual meetings where we meet every year or every 2/3 years in person as some annual meetings are online. I see how those my age show the additional 3 years. I don't show any signs of ageing because, yup, I am lucky I am black and we age slowly because of the skin difference. However, my being able to be myself for those 18 months reminded me what mattered: state of mind It is important to keep positive and embrace what you cannot change whilst striving to do better. My mother has always had a positive state of mind and I seem to have inherited it. When I saw my family, I embraced my 6+ kilos like I didn't notice as I didn't want anyone being concerned about my injury. They had never seen me like that and in fact used to think I was too thin, so mum especially thought I was normal shape and commended me for my good eating habits- she was trying to encourage her overweight grandkid to add healthy foods to her diet. Now back to normal and just listening to my body. Colleagues recently commented I was glowing- yep, because I spent 60 mins in the swimming pool the previous day swimming and walking, a luxury that was denied to me for a good chunk of 3 years. After 18 months, I was careful not to jump straight in it, so it has been like 3 years in total. That's what I like exercising for- to feel rejuvenated and be able to eat a little of what you like.

Embrace positivity and all shall be fine.

takealettermsjones · 16/03/2025 20:45

WetBandits · 16/03/2025 20:29

I had a baby at 30 and have looked terrible ever since, despite growing up looking reasonably nice!

Me too 🤣 I don't think I was ever beautiful but I was good looking enough with my makeup done, and now after baby #3 I'm a state! 🤣

NewMagicWand · 16/03/2025 20:45

jimmyateworld · 16/03/2025 20:30

I love reading these threads and how people just love telling everyone how good looking they were 😆 falling off bikes looks 🤣🤣🤣

Not was. Am! 🤣

Cryingatthegym · 16/03/2025 20:45

NewMagicWand · 16/03/2025 20:12

It is hard, yes. I've been considered very beautiful since I was 16. There's no denying that I was very good looking in my twenties especially. The kind of looks that make people fall off their bikes.

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror these days and I'm actually shocked. I still look good for my age and I'm still regularly pursued and complimented. But I know I used to look drop dead. I do miss it.

It's like that line in Fleabag where she says she's worried about losing the currency of youth. I'm still good looking, but I'm obviously not young and beautiful. I used to have so much currency.

I appreciate this all sounds conceited but it is accurate.

I really resonate with all of this. But also, in the past few years I've really appreciated learning and acknowledging that there's more to me than just my looks. That's given me more self confidence than being beautiful has ever done.

Cryingatthegym · 16/03/2025 20:47

takealettermsjones · 16/03/2025 20:45

Me too 🤣 I don't think I was ever beautiful but I was good looking enough with my makeup done, and now after baby #3 I'm a state! 🤣

It's actually not an easy thing to recognise or acknowledge at all! But I've consistently been told it & treated that way my entire adult life so at this point I have to assume it's true Grin

Leafytrees · 16/03/2025 20:47

Beautiful people start to recognise and appreciate their pretty privilege as they age because it starts to wear off. It's that thing about not knowing what you've got until it's gone.

NewMagicWand · 16/03/2025 20:48

SexAndCakes · 16/03/2025 20:34

It's funny, I am never actually sure if it's the loss of looks that does cause the change in attention. For me the attention dropped away around age 35, which was also when I developed much more confidence. I wonder if it also has to do with the the vibe you give off. I was pretty vulnerable in many ways in my 20s and early 30s; now I have no issues standing up for myself and like to think it would put potential haranguers off.

I think it's youth and beauty together that is the real kicker.

I was joking in my last post, but I'm still good looking. I'm just obviously not in my twenties anymore, so the only men left to chase me are at least in their early thirties. Men are less maniacal when they get older.

NewMagicWand · 16/03/2025 20:51

Cryingatthegym · 16/03/2025 20:45

I really resonate with all of this. But also, in the past few years I've really appreciated learning and acknowledging that there's more to me than just my looks. That's given me more self confidence than being beautiful has ever done.

I mentioned I was 16 when I started looking good. I was a very ugly duckling so I spent a lot of time making people laugh. It's definitely so much more satisfying to make someone crack up with laughter than it is for them to moon over you.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 16/03/2025 20:51

I've never been very attractive, although when I look back at photos of myself in my teens and 20s I was nicer looking than I perceived at the time. However, now in my 40s I accept myself as not really that bad all things considered- I have nice skin, kind eyes, look young for my age. I don't attach to my looks though, never have done, so I can see how aging might be less of an issue for me compared to women who were naturally beautiful.

AutumnMum1 · 16/03/2025 20:53

I am in my early 30's but work with alot of ladies around 50. I think they are still youthful and beautiful.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/03/2025 20:53

Try being good looking with massive tits (34J).

Got so sick of the constant harrassment that I had a reduction at 27. Still got looks but the harrassment really lessened. Oh and a particular guy at work stopped staring at my chest when talking to me and actually realised I had a face. Not sure he knew what I looked like before that as his eyes never made it that high. Pathetic how a certain type of man behaves when faced with a beautiful and/or big titted woman.

52 now, still slim and told I look good for my age but definitely feel I have donned my invisibility cloak, which is no bad thing!

Arraminta · 16/03/2025 20:53

When I was in my teens and at university I was good looking enough to do promotional work in bars and clubs. I always got a lot of attention from blokes (sometimes flattering, but often irritating), but I always had a boyfriend so was never interested. To this day I have never, ever flirted. I wouldn't know how?

I'm now 54, still scrub up well and since losing 3 stones on WLI I have a better figure than when I was 40! But I love the fact I'm essentially invisible to the majority of men nowadays, I really don't miss it at all. I know DH still thinks I'm very beautiful and that's all that's ever mattered.

arcticpandas · 16/03/2025 20:57

SexAndCakes · 16/03/2025 20:34

It's funny, I am never actually sure if it's the loss of looks that does cause the change in attention. For me the attention dropped away around age 35, which was also when I developed much more confidence. I wonder if it also has to do with the the vibe you give off. I was pretty vulnerable in many ways in my 20s and early 30s; now I have no issues standing up for myself and like to think it would put potential haranguers off.

This! I had a period in my life when I was very vulnerable, almost suicidal and zero confidence. I supposed I was pretty even if I didn't feel that way. This is the period I was the most harrassed by men. It's like they could feel my vulnerability like flies around sugar. When I got confident and didn't look down but looked people (men) straight in the eyes with my "dead, challenging you don't want to go there" look I was left alone.
At 45 I'm so sure of myself that I don't need to be hostile/protective that I'm never bothered. Or It's just that I'm old and ugly😄

theworldie · 16/03/2025 20:57

I agree. Il sound like a knob for saying it but I've always been told I'm beautiful etc and I'm definitely struggling with ageing. In one way it's freeing to not have men staring and being pervy but another part of you is miffed about it 😂

I'm 45 and feel like I'm definitely starting to age now, skin is getting dry etc, jowls are forming etc. I have a bit of Botox but really don't want to go down the fillers/facelift route - so I'll have to suck it up! We're all ageing all of the time - nowt you can do about it except eat healthily etc. I think you start to value your health more as you get older - it's a privilege to age and have a long life, that's how I try to think about it.

AutumnMum1 · 16/03/2025 20:57

Dweetfidilove · 16/03/2025 20:25

What are the women on MN doing that's causing them to just derail post-30?

The 40+ women I know are beautiful and fir the most part, having wonderful and varied lives.

This is the only place I hear of women waking up at 30 and 40 having lost all their looks / become invisible to world etc.

I agree, i'm quite shocked to hear people say this. It's not my experience of real life. I'm not saying i'm a looker but i'm early 30's and get alot more attention now than I did in my 20's.

Em1ly2023 · 16/03/2025 20:58

NewMagicWand · 16/03/2025 20:12

It is hard, yes. I've been considered very beautiful since I was 16. There's no denying that I was very good looking in my twenties especially. The kind of looks that make people fall off their bikes.

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror these days and I'm actually shocked. I still look good for my age and I'm still regularly pursued and complimented. But I know I used to look drop dead. I do miss it.

It's like that line in Fleabag where she says she's worried about losing the currency of youth. I'm still good looking, but I'm obviously not young and beautiful. I used to have so much currency.

I appreciate this all sounds conceited but it is accurate.

But on the upside, the rate of bike fatalities has significantly reduced 🚲 🪦 🚲🪦🚲

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2025 20:58

It depends how much your beauty is tied to your identity...

If you're someone for whom being a beautiful woman is everything then yes it will probably suck when you hit menopause etc. If you have other things in your life and value yourself for more than the youthful sheen of your skin and your bouncy hair then it will just be a stage you've moved out of.

I'm not sure classically beautiful women get hit on any more than more average looking women either. Sex pests are not usually driven by the aesthetic.

All the more reason not to let yourself be defined by your looks.

TheKrolik · 16/03/2025 20:58

I once heard something along the lines of “beauty is a temporary visa, whereas wit and charm are a rather more permanent passport”

Poirot1983 · 16/03/2025 21:01

It might not bother your friend in the slightest, OP. Maybe she’s happier now than she was in her younger years.

YearsofYears · 16/03/2025 21:02

I was just normal looking but quite cute and petite. Feel like I've slid into looking middle-aged prematurely particularly in comparison to friends (*edited to add my beautiful friends are still as beautiful as ever) . The last five years have been challenging which hadn't helped. It's been a lesson in self-acceptance though and has been forcing me to think about who I really am and what I want from life. Probably not botox.

ChippingSoda · 16/03/2025 21:02

I lost my looks quite abruptly after having first DC and a year of no sleep and lockdowns. I was overweight and my skin and hair changed loads. People treated me differently at work when I went back, I really noticed that. It was like they were disappointed in me somehow, but also some people made comments that made me feel like they kind of delighted in it. One man claimed not to recognise me (maybe he didn’t). I actually like being less visible. It’s peaceful. I feel like the people who stay with you through life are the ones to whom your looks aren’t that important - kids, family, a real loving partner, proper friends. Being attractive to strangers isn’t really very important.

Leavesandacorns · 16/03/2025 21:03

I think it has far more to do with self image and the importance you put on looks than the reality of how good someone looks at a certain age. I have a couple of older family members that constantly go on about their looks when they were young (one that is obsessed by how thin she was, another that claims to have been drop dead gorgeous). I've seen many photos and they were honestly nothing special. One especially looked better in her 40s/50s. They both love to comment on other women's looks too. They seem to base young women's worth on how thin and attractive they judge them to be.

My mum and aunties on the other hand were beautiful. They have always ranged from indifference to criticising their own looks and find something to compliment about everyone else 🤷‍♀️

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/03/2025 21:06

I was beautiful.

Im 61 now. I still have the bone structure. I have silver hair, green eyes and olive skin. I think I’ve retained something.

Em1ly2023 · 16/03/2025 21:08

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2025 20:15

I was alright looking when younger

not going to lie I LOVE the invisibility aging has brought. Not getting harassed everywhere I go by awful men. Love it. Had enough years being judged on how I look that for it to be irrelevant now because I look like the menopausal old bag I am is great.

Everyone wants to feel attractive but I know what you mean, it’s nice going incognito.🥸
I’ve had a few ‘special’ events recently where I went ‘all out’ with beauty treatments / blow-dry etc. etc and the amount of creepy, unwelcome attention, winks and leching really took the shine off and made me feel very uncomfortable. Really looked forward to getting back to jeans & oversized jackets.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/03/2025 21:08

Oh for sure and she’s still definitely attractive, but not the same, she was exceptionally good looking
Of course she wouldn't look the same.
Have you changed much since you last seen her?