For telling my friend she was ridiculous to bring a 7 year old for a spa day!

[Senuousnotsensuous]

My friend Emily has a 7 year old daughter Milly who she brings every time we meet up either when it’s just the two of us or with a group of our other friends.

Emily insists Milly wants to come but it’s frustrating as we can never have a conversation without her giving her opinion or Milly takes over and Emily sits smiling proudly, she often comments on her daughter’s maturity and how she loves joining us.

We do occasionally get time when Milly is at school but any weekend meet ups are the same, Milly could stay with her dad at home but apparently gets very upset when she’s not invited so Emily gives in and lets her come. We have had a few occasions where we have met up in restaurants for a meal in the evenings and Milly has often made an appearance, the whole evening ends up revolving round her.

My other friends said they were fed up with this as well, we stopped inviting Emily as often but she noticed and was hurt.
I managed to get her to meet me one to one and asked if she was being persuaded by her husband to bring Milly and said I was concerned that she never seemed to get time to herself, she insisted that wasn’t the case and said she thought we loved seeing Milly.
I explained that no one else brought their kids along and wanted adult time and as much as we liked Milly it’s frustrating to get childcare for other kids for a childfree evening then Milly being allowed to come.
Its not fair on the other kids and changes the dynamic and means Emily has to leave early. We are sick of censoring the conversation and being unable to talk freely.
Emily agreed to stop bringing Milly along unless other kids were going to be present.

A few weeks ago we booked a spa day for today for 3 of us and Emily.
The package included a 25 minute massage treatment each and use of the facilities for 3 hours and afternoon tea with Prosecco.
I didn’t think not to ask Emily not to bring Milly as surely it’s common sense?!

Well the spa was booked for 10am and Emily brought Milly. We asked her how she possibly thought this would work and she said Milly wanted to use the pool and we could watch her when Emily had her massage.
Emily was told by staff she couldn’t being Milly into the spa and got very upset and complained that she’d paid for the day, her husband refused to pick her up saying he’d agreed to work overtime now, Milly started crying hysterically.

I had no sympathy and told Emily one of the reasons we booked a spa day was in the hope of actually spending time with her alone and we never considered she’d bring Milly. My other friends were equally as unsympathetic and said she had brought this on herself and it was her own fault Milly was upset and if lost the money.

Emily had to leave with Milly and looked absolutely devastated, she didn’t apologise though she just kept saying how ridiculous it was that the spa wouldn’t let Milly in or make any exceptions.

After she left we all agreed it was time to stop inviting Emily anywhere as she obviously wasn’t going to stop bringing Milly, we were throughly pissed off about the whole thing.

One friend has just sent me a message saying Emily has been crying down the phone for hours on her and thinks we were maybe a bit harsh and that Emily said she finds it hard to leave Milly because she gets so upset when she can’t come along. She thinks we should apologise for getting so frustrated with her today.

I think the whole situation is fucking bizarre and if Emily was a struggling single parent I could maybe understand it, I have had enough though and I’m not apologising, I have tried to chat about it but she’s not willing to listen.

AIBU for not being more understanding? It’s not just me, my other friends feel the same, even the friend who thinks we should apologise said she thinks it’s best we no longer invite Emily.
I don’t think Emily is ever going to take in what we are saying and she will keep bringing Milly because she can’t say no to her.

I’ve saved it as it is the perfect response if needed in future, thank you @2Hot2Handle

Emily has issues, might benefit from therapy but sounds to be lacking the self awareness to understand that she has a problem.

I think it is obvious the dad won’t have her, he had arranged overtime. Perhaps that is always the case or he just won’t agree to look after her. There is possibly something going on at home.

She said if there is a pool surely they must allow children in and it’s not like she was expecting Milly to have a treatment…

Is she trying to turn her child into her best fried? This reminds me of an article I read recently.

https://www.cheshire-live.co.uk/overprotective-mum-refuses-daughter-19-31156054

I love my DDs, love spending time with them, DH and I have very limited social life's because we decided that’s how we were happy parenting, with our DDs being included. BUT we would never force them on others. I have one friend who I go to bingo with, she is one of my DDs godmother, we parent very similar in that we do focus more on our DCs than our personal social lives. BUT again, we go to bingo because it’s our one place we can both happily and easily have child free time and catch up without any DCs around. The same with another friend, we have family meet ups but always schedule once a year in a spa for the reason its child free and just for us to be us.

Milly started crying hysterically.
I had no sympathy and told Emily one of the reasons we booked a spa day was in the hope of actually spending time with her alone and we never considered she’d bring Milly. My other friends were equally as unsympathetic and said she had brought this on herself and it was her own fault Milly was upset and if lost the money.

I think you are all completely right, but good god how could you be so heartless to do that in front of her 7 year old.. it's not her fault her mum has got issues, it doesn't seem like she is demanding to come it seems like her mum s insisting on bringing her/including her.

The friend is fair game, but the daughter doesn't deserve all that at all.

Good grief it's a pool for chilling in, maybe a gentle swim, not for kids splashing around in. Could you imagine any Spa if it was full of kids splashing around in the pool??

Pity the Chippendales or the Full Monty are no longer a thing.

She definitely needs to cut the apron strings with Milly alternatively you suggest having a family day.

"Emily aren't far from the Easter holidays, how about a family day to the local zoo or National Trust place. Bring all the kids then the kids can get a play and we can get a gibber?"

Then next time it's "Ladies only no kids, Emily will you be able to make it, before we book? "

Then the friend should stop exposing her to it.

Bizarre - especially since you have told her straight that it wasn't appropriate for Milly to be there all the time - it is not as if you just hinted and she has not got the hint. She has been told straight - so to continue to do it - means she is not that fussed what you all think. If Milly can't be left without having an absolute melt down then mum unfortunately will be unable to see her friends. Even if they let kids in and I have never known one to do so - who wants to pay for a spa day and spend part of it watching someone else's child why they have a massage?

That's it exactly nobody wants to spend time in a Spa babysitting someone else's child, esp when they have left their own at home. Many spas don't have lifeguards either.

I'm actually surprised the child doesn't get bored sitting at adult meals and stuff. It's just weird. Op does she end up hogging attention or does she end up playing games on mums phone?

what do you mean by "all that"?
None of the comments were aimed at or about Milly, all were at her mother.
It's not like they were slagging Milly herself off and saying "why would we want that horrible brat with us?"

'We didn't think you'd bring a child to a non-child friendly event,' is a completely neutral (and flipping obvious statement), like saying 'We didn't think you'd bring your DH to the hen party,' or 'We didn't expect you to bring your boss to softplay,' or whatever. Their issue isn't anything to do with Milly herself, it's because she's a 7 year old.

If Milly wrongly interpreted any of what they said as the friends not liking her personally, then it's for her utterly ridiculous mother to explain to her that it's not the case and they would have said the same had any of the others brought their children.

It would be very easy to explain "Oh of course all my friends like you a lot but they just didn't think you would be at a grown up event. You wouldn't expect senuousnotsensuous and the others to come to your birthday party, would you, because they aren't your friends, they're mummy's friends."

I mean, all these things are possible, but none of them are anywhere as likely as Emily simply being a complete berk.

The OP says about the dad in her later posts:

I’ve actually heard him trying to encourage her to go out without Milly

So no, this is not a case of a dad refusing to look after his child.

I've seen at least two other threads on here where a woman refused to meet up with friends without also bringing her kids - one was a weekend away, iirc and another one wanting to bring her DC to a hen do (and despite being firmly told no turned up with both the child and her husband!), so Emily isn't alone in her batshittery.

I would suggest all these lunatic women find each other and make their own friend group, but it's pretty obvious that they all consider their own DC to be uniquely special and interesting and thus deserving of invites to all events, and wouldn't be happy at all if everyone brought their kids along.

Oh her teachers will be just fine, they will have Emily sat right with Millie in class letting the teachers know how to do their jobs 🥰

One friend has just sent me a message saying Emily has been crying down the phone for hours on her and thinks we were maybe a bit harsh and that Emily said she finds it hard to leave Milly because she gets so upset when she can’t come along. She thinks we should apologise for getting so frustrated with her today.

Has Emily ever to your knowledge wandered how the rest of you manage the seemingly impossible feat of saying no to your children?

I could almost understand the hen do, if we are talking small baby, with Dad and baby pretty much staying out of sight. But close enough if mum needed.

A weaned child should not need to be attached to mums apron strings.

@Senuousnotsensuous does Emily work at all, has she ever used childcare other than school?
Maybe she needs to be encouraged to at least get some part-time work.

Why on earth would she think a 7yo could come to a spa?
is she just disorganised and needs to make sure she has childcare? Or does she usually plan to take Milly because it is her, Emily, that cannot bear to be parted from her off spring?

all kids want to spend time with their parents. But parents are allowed a life.

something isn’t right here but it’s not your problem to sort out. Sounds like Emily needs therapy.

Omg this is soo annoying!!!! The child joining in the convo too. "Milly, we want to talk about how big your dad's dick is, be quiet!".

Joking but could there be a sinister reason, would the Dad ever harm Milly alone together and the Mum is aware of that?

Wow. This lady seems to have some serious boundary issues.

I don't think it's all that unusual for someone to become what many of us would consider overly attached to their child/children or spouse, for various reasons.

The over-attachment with Milly will likely end in a few years, whether Emily likes it or not, when Milly hits adolescence and starts the natural process of pulling away from her family of origin and becoming more independent. I don't know many teenagers who would rather hang out with their mom than their peers.

In any case, it is her call to keep her daughter so close if she wants to but she doesn't have the right to push it on everyone else. Nobody wants to spend their rare child-free time with somebody else's kid. Or deal with a small child inserting herself into adult conversations.

Emily should be firmly told when any invitation is child-free only, and be turned away immediately if she brings her child anyway. I'd also nicely suggest that no one in the group entertain Emily's whining and crying about it. Just politely cut it off. The group says no kids and that's that. Otherwise, they're playing into her attempts to create a rift in the group when she doesn't get special rights at everyone else's expense.

I'm sure there are other mothers around who also think their small child is their best friend. Let her find one of them to hang around with. Then maybe she'll see how obnoxious it is to put up with.

Yes that must be it. He’s a man after all eh? 🙄

No actually, I was just trying to figure out why the kid has to go everywhere.

Definitely not unreasonable. Emily might have issues with her identity in that it seems to be very bound up with her child. Is she insecure if she goes out or attends events without her? It’s like she’s using her child as an extension of herself or as some kind of comfort blanket. I would be so irritated if I’d sorted out childcare and then had to have someone else’s child around changing the dynamic of an adult get together.

I think good friends should want their mates to have self respect. Which means not tolerating bullshit from other friends. You HAVE to ditch her - this isn’t healthy or fair. Shes very selfish.

I once had a (now former) friend who was like this. Brought her precocious child everywhere, who would interrupt, whisper in her mum’s ear and generally grab all the attention, telling shit jokes (which then we were expected to laugh at, I can’t fake it so would just sit looking bewildered) or (incorrectly) telling us we were wrong about something, and gloat about being smarter than us. For example “You’ve said that word wrong! Hahaha you don’t know anything”. And heaven forbid you told her off!

My friend thought we all loved being around Eve. Couldn’t get that one woman’s little darling is another’s annoying brat. There’s a reason she a former friend. I didn’t tolerate it for very long and it wasn’t an easy conversation to say that it’s hard work being around her DD.

I once, many moons ago, went on a hen do to Magaluf - there was another hen do there which included a little girl. Who had a sash and t-shirt to match the adults. I felt so sorry for them all!