For telling my friend she was ridiculous to bring a 7 year old for a spa day!

[Senuousnotsensuous]

My friend Emily has a 7 year old daughter Milly who she brings every time we meet up either when it’s just the two of us or with a group of our other friends.

Emily insists Milly wants to come but it’s frustrating as we can never have a conversation without her giving her opinion or Milly takes over and Emily sits smiling proudly, she often comments on her daughter’s maturity and how she loves joining us.

We do occasionally get time when Milly is at school but any weekend meet ups are the same, Milly could stay with her dad at home but apparently gets very upset when she’s not invited so Emily gives in and lets her come. We have had a few occasions where we have met up in restaurants for a meal in the evenings and Milly has often made an appearance, the whole evening ends up revolving round her.

My other friends said they were fed up with this as well, we stopped inviting Emily as often but she noticed and was hurt.
I managed to get her to meet me one to one and asked if she was being persuaded by her husband to bring Milly and said I was concerned that she never seemed to get time to herself, she insisted that wasn’t the case and said she thought we loved seeing Milly.
I explained that no one else brought their kids along and wanted adult time and as much as we liked Milly it’s frustrating to get childcare for other kids for a childfree evening then Milly being allowed to come.
Its not fair on the other kids and changes the dynamic and means Emily has to leave early. We are sick of censoring the conversation and being unable to talk freely.
Emily agreed to stop bringing Milly along unless other kids were going to be present.

A few weeks ago we booked a spa day for today for 3 of us and Emily.
The package included a 25 minute massage treatment each and use of the facilities for 3 hours and afternoon tea with Prosecco.
I didn’t think not to ask Emily not to bring Milly as surely it’s common sense?!

Well the spa was booked for 10am and Emily brought Milly. We asked her how she possibly thought this would work and she said Milly wanted to use the pool and we could watch her when Emily had her massage.
Emily was told by staff she couldn’t being Milly into the spa and got very upset and complained that she’d paid for the day, her husband refused to pick her up saying he’d agreed to work overtime now, Milly started crying hysterically.

I had no sympathy and told Emily one of the reasons we booked a spa day was in the hope of actually spending time with her alone and we never considered she’d bring Milly. My other friends were equally as unsympathetic and said she had brought this on herself and it was her own fault Milly was upset and if lost the money.

Emily had to leave with Milly and looked absolutely devastated, she didn’t apologise though she just kept saying how ridiculous it was that the spa wouldn’t let Milly in or make any exceptions.

After she left we all agreed it was time to stop inviting Emily anywhere as she obviously wasn’t going to stop bringing Milly, we were throughly pissed off about the whole thing.

One friend has just sent me a message saying Emily has been crying down the phone for hours on her and thinks we were maybe a bit harsh and that Emily said she finds it hard to leave Milly because she gets so upset when she can’t come along. She thinks we should apologise for getting so frustrated with her today.

I think the whole situation is fucking bizarre and if Emily was a struggling single parent I could maybe understand it, I have had enough though and I’m not apologising, I have tried to chat about it but she’s not willing to listen.

AIBU for not being more understanding? It’s not just me, my other friends feel the same, even the friend who thinks we should apologise said she thinks it’s best we no longer invite Emily.
I don’t think Emily is ever going to take in what we are saying and she will keep bringing Milly because she can’t say no to her.

A family member was like this. She wouldn't go anywhere without her daughter, even out for a meal with her husband. In the end the marriage broke down because he felt the thing about him that mattered to her was his sperm and she didn't need that anymore.

Emily does not need "therapy",
She needs to be told in no uncertain terms to never bring the child again if she wants to maintain the friendships.

Lots of people have responded to my comment but no one has answered the question. How would this be different if the husband was abusive?

It is likely that Emily is just flaky and doesn't understand that Milly is not welcome. However if she is in an abusive relationship and doesn't want to or can't leave Milly with him then she needs help.

That hen weekend thread was epic wasn’t it! Demanding Woman turning up to the lovely carefully organised hen weekend with toddler and husband in tow after being told repeatedly and clearly that this was not allowed blows my mind even all these years later!

It’s also very sexist. Only seems to be women only events that get trashed by this bringing along children batshit behaviour. You don’t see dads ruining their group rugby trips because one of them insists on bringing little Archie so he’s not upset. It’s just women’s events.

I’m in a group of friends and one would always bring her dd, from when she was about 10-14. She could have stayed home as well. It would just piss me off. Especially as she was a miserable child, very sullen.

I agree with pps who suggest it could be ND.

Seen similar things in extended family, severely ND child consistently treated as "precocious, special mini adult.".

Rather than "child who needs boundaries/intervention/help/support with peer group social skills".

I had to delete WhatsApp as the child was grabbing other people's phones and sending me unsolicited messages.

I've been polite and supportive (through gritted teeth) in a group, but I don't feel comfortable with a teenager ringing me up to "give me intimate personal advice" as they think they're my friend and have opinions on my life!

I feel for the mother, and actually would have been very open to participating in "social skills training" with this CHILD.

But she insists on talking to/treating child as if they're a "normal adult" and I'm their "idiot friend" who has to both look after the child, but also be patronised and talked down to.

So I'm out. I think they've got some official support so I hope things improve there.

She didn't think. She's one of these people who just thinks when you/business/government are presented with something you have to accept it. Well we are here now so my child has to stay.

i would have just told other friend that it's lovely she has no volunteered to be the one to occupy Emily and Milly and that none of you are going to invite Emily anywhere again because this was the last straw.

Staggering behaviour by Emily.

That child will grow into an intolerable adult. She will never get along with people her own age. Your friend is behaving like a complete weirdo and will end up driving everyone out of her life. She is creating a Cult of Two.

My DSD was a teen when I met her. My now DH used to take her everywhere and assumed everyone else was as thrilled and amused by her snarling and simmering contempt as he was. He'd beam all around him as she threw out personal insults at everyone we introduced her to.

That was fine when it was his people but after I'd had yet another event (it was my big birthday party) ruined I said to him either he addressed her shocking manners or I didn't want to see her within my circles anymore. I thought it had gone in.

It was no more than three days later that I was heading out to meet a group of women friends in the neighbouring town for brunch at a really great restaurant. As it turned out DH was going to be there for a different reason. He said he'd collect me. I had my phone on the table expecting a text but then he arrived in. We had finished our food but still on coffees and there was talk of going for a glass of wine and I was considering going home on the train later. I was surprised to see him but appreciated the lift.

He said hello to all the women and sat down for a quick chat. I reached for my jacket but he said to relax that DSD was joining us here. My mouth dropped open. All the women have kids and were getting a break from them and their husbands. We are close but only managed to meet everyone few months so there were big conversations taking place. It was so inappropriate and weird for me to be coming with my boyfriend and his teen daughter.

DSD walked in, straight over to the table delivering some line like "I only agreed to come because I like this place, otherwise I wouldn't be seen dead with you and your old lady friends" DH had the cheek to give a shrug to the table like 'teens hey?'

I jumped up, said goodbye to my friends, we left and I went full on nuclear with the pair of them. I was LIVID - mainly at DH as he had caused all this with his lifelong over indulgence of her. It went in this time but my face still gets hot when I remember it.

Arrange another meet up - specify child free
the rest of you all turn up with DC in tow.😂

Seriously, Emily needs to grow up.

It's weird like she's made Milly her hobby.

It's crazy to expect a group of women to safely supervise a child at a spa. If something happens to that child the hotel would be liable.

I'd have been fucking sullen too as a 14 year old, if my mum had dragged me along to a meeting with her friends where I clearly didn't belong and wasn't welcome.

I don't think they need to block her either, (unless she starts ringing all of them and crying/guilt tripping them as she's already done to one friend) but OP has explained they've already TRIED all the other options and they didn't work

They tried just not inviting Emily to things but she "noticed and was hurt"

They've tried saying to Emily that they will no longer censure their conversations and keep them child- appropriate - didn't work

OP tried having the sensitive one-on-one explaining their concerns, Emily said she understood then brought Milly again anyway!

They've now tried saying directly to Emily that she was being ridiculous and had only herself to blame and Emily is still blaming everyone else (friends, spa staff) for being unfair, and ringing up the softest touch to guilt trip them and request an apology

It's not like they went straight from 0-100 or "thermonuclear" but at this point it's the last option!

Did she expect the spa to let in a child for free? They may not be set up with safeguarding for a child, either. She needs therapy and YANBU for not inviting her any more. (Poor child, too.)

Well Milly is short for Milicent. Vaguely a form of Emily.

Absolutely YANBU . Emily is batshit and selfish and bringing up her daughter as an entitled brat who thinks the world revolves around her.

Parents need adult time away from their kids where they can be grown ups. And to be told off for swearing due to a kid who wasn’t invited being there - fuck that! I’d swear more. It’s like people who take their kids to the pub and complain that adults are talking about adult stuff.

Sorry i would have told Emily in no uncertain terms long ago - no kids no exceptions and if that doesn’t work for her then don’t come.

Is this a true story? I just can’t believe Emily would behave like this! Occasionally parents may have to bring a child along if there’s really no other option - but not every time! Spas are generally only open to over 16’s too. You do not bring a 7 year old out on a mums spa day.

That sounds like a very unhealthy mother/daughter relationship. Emily needs to learn to say no. Milly needs to learn that she isnt the centre of attention and that she cant be part of everything. If that means she wails and has a tantrum then so be it. Her mother needs to learn to parent her properly.

@Senuousnotsensuous So not only did she want her dd to come to the spa day, she wanted all of you who came without children in tow to watch hers whilst she had her treatment!? Just plain rude.
My friend sometimes used to bring her dd it's her when we met up and whilst I love her dd, I didn't see my friend very often and it would be a bit awkward if there were things I wanted to talk about but felt I couldn't around her.

I loved it. Both at the time and reading it again. It always baffled me how "demanding woman" was planning on concealing a toddler and fully grown man in a barn for a full weekend since she was so adamant about trying to stop people knowing they were even in the car.
Toddler in question would be around 10 now and I'd be interested to know how things are now, are "demanding woman" and the bride still friends and does DM still take her DD everywhere, like Milly mark I!

Absolute madness on Emily's part!
Everyone knows spas are only for 16+ at the very least, no-one takes a child to a spa.
I think Emily was hoping they'd just allow it, and it's probably shown her up to be the nutter she is!
Just see them when all the other kids are around, and don't make allowances for the conversation when Millie is joining in with the adults
Does Millie have her own friends? At 7 my DCs had parties/playdates and various clubs on etc over the weekend. If I had something with my own friends, DH would look after DC and vice versa.
DD struggled a bit with friendships, but I never took her around with me to meet up with my own friends without their kids, that would've been madness!

You cannot possibly know this - it could have been
DH "So I'll look after Milly while you're at the spa?"
DF "Oh no. Milly wants to come with me"
DH "Oh OK - I could pick up an extra shift at work then"

No he is not. If Emily insisted that his services were not required because Milly was going with her then why shouldn't he do overtime instead of sitting home alone?"

Or do you expect him to plan his life around Emily's bad planning?

Is Milly an only child?
did your friend have an easy pregnancy and labour? Was Milly unwell when younger?

i Know people who find it hard to be without their children after a scary incident or childhood illnesses, obviously it’s not right and they do need help with setting boundaries. Maybe your friend went through something (or multiple factors) and only feels happy when her daughter is happy (so taking her along to make her feel happy).