To take away dd(13)s en-suite?

[thatsfunnybecause]

Dd(13) has bedroom with an ensuite, 3 year old is at the moment in a tiny room that basically just fits a bed and wardrobe.

We want to combine dd’s en-suite and DH’s office to make decent size bedroom for 3 year old.

Up until dd(13) was 11 and we moved to a bigger house she always had to share with either younger brother or older step sister.

She thinks as she had to share until she was 11, that younger siblings should share until then or be lucky and get tiny room of their own. And that by the time toddler is that age she will move out and she can have her room.

Is it unreasonable to take away her en-suite?

Nothing clear about it at all! 😂 OP says there are 6 bathrooms, 2 of which are family bathrooms. She’s told us about 2 en suites and the step daughter”s loo but there appears to be a mystery bathroom that is neither an en suite nor family bathroom 🤷‍♀️

This is more than reasonable. The 3 year old can have a space to play/ toy clutter in the office space. Unless one of the others would like two rooms?

Your 3 yo isn't playing independently yet. Upgrade the bathrooms instead.

It’s not her en-suite. It’s your house, you do what you think is best for everyone.

To be honest, I would just leave everything as it is. If there is a downstairs room which can be used as a playroom, keep the toys in there. You don’t want a 3yo out of the way playing in the bedroom anyway- you still need to keep an eye on her.

I would make it clear to the older children that the family room/ playroom has been given over to the younger children as their bedrooms are smaller.

An alternative for a couple of years time is to offer the currently 9yo the box room plus office, and move the youngest into that room, unless DH actually needs to use the office. Or just knock through the office and boxroom to make a bigger room.

I can see your DD’s point- it probably feels like she’s always come last behind everyone else’s needs. And she’s at that tricky point in her development where teens can become very self-absorbed, and any unintentional change can feel like a deliberate attempt to ruin their lives in the most unfair way possible. I think it’ll smooth the path if you leave things be. A 3yo doesn’t care about bedrooms, and by the time she’s old enough to care the older ones will have moved out.

my grandaughter has an ensuite in my house and it is a necessity in the teen years. they spend half their life in the shower.

Don't be ridiculous, it's a luxury not a necessity. It's only in recent years that en-suites have become a thing. Families managed perfectly well before. I grew up in a house with one bathroom. 5 people shared it, including three teenage girls.

can she have a sink in her room still?

Yabu - 13yo should not have to lose her facilities because you chose to have more kids than you could comfortably house.

Ah, the tribulations of being the eldest.

I am. Four younger siblings. And when I was a child, there was a lot of stuff that I considered getting het up about.

'Why do they get a Thomas the Tank Engine duvet? I just got a boring blue duvet!'

'Why do they get to stay up to watch Dr Who? I never got to stay up to watch Dr Who!'

'Why do they get a bike? I didn't get a bike till I was ten!"

'Why do they get to stay out till eleven? When I was that age I had to be in by nine-thirty!'

And the answer is - because things change. Financial circumstances, domestic arrangements, family dynamics.

I have to say it never bothered me too much, because I could see that there were also huge upsides to being the eldest. One of which, actually, is to be an honorary adult in some ways, which also means making some compromises for the younger kids.

Maybe you should point out the advantages of being the eldest. Or make sure that there are some.

It isn’t a done deal and there is room for discussion, we will be refurbishing the upstairs bathroom first anyway.

It made sense to us to make an extra decent sized bedroom, the office and toddlers room are too small and are useless. Office is next to dds en-suite and could combine to make a good sized room. No other children have an en-suite so it’s not unfair that she wouldn’t, if anything it could be seen unfair that she does.

This is what I wanted to say, seems awfully unfair.

But none of the other children have an en suite. How is it unfair?

I grew up sharing a bedroom with my sister, and the whole family shared one bathroom. I still think changing the rooms around and losing an ensuite is not a necessity right now. Give your 3 year old 2 rooms and reevaluate in 3 - 4 years!

When you refurbish can you make the family bathroom nearest to her room so absolutely fabulous (jacuzzi bath?) that she will only want to use that and not care about her en-suite?

Ok so is DSD there 100% of the time? I assume the attic room is the entire floor space of the house or is it half attic/half bedroom? Could an option be split thr attic room and have like a jack n Jill bathroom for the 2 older girls?

Why can't the 3 & 5 yr old share?

Doesn't matter what way you try word it, DD has had to share until she was 11 and now is being shunted to make way for a child that's had its own room from the word go. Its not her fault you had more children than bedrooms.

I can see why she's miffed tbh.

It sounds like they're housed comfortably? None of them even have to share rooms.

So where are the 6 bathrooms, @thatsfunnybecause?

You said there are 2 family bathrooms:

There is a family bathroom both upstairs and downstairs, both are a bit rubbish and only have showers though.

2 family bathrooms plus 2 en suites plus a loo does not add up to 6 bathrooms 🫤

Because it’s her space and for it to be taken away without her agreeing is not right imo. Especially not because of a younger sibling.

Only until 2yrs ago when they moved. Prior to that DD had to share with her brothers.

It just sounds like you’re planning to spend a lot of money and going through a lot of hassle for a problem the will resolve itself in a couple of years when SD moves out (does she live with you full time or part time?)

The younger children will move up through the bedrooms as the older ones move out.

I’d spend the money on putting a shower in the attic bathroom.

You’ve given it to her - fair or not - that was your decision. She can be legitimately pissed at losing it.

If she had had that en suite all her life then I would be saying she should have to learn to live without it as she’d always had extra, it wasn’t fair on siblings etc.

But, if she always had to share with someone til she was 11 and is now having to give up the thing that was special just for her then I understand her being miffed. I would carry on with how things are at the minute. My 7 year old is still barely in her room unless sleeping or has a friend over so I don’t suppose your 3 year old minds hers being small. If the 5 year old’s is significantly bigger you could put the 3 year old in with him for a couple of years and then reevaluate once he gets to 8 or 9.

They have 5 children all in their own rooms, plus a spare bedroom currently used as an office. They clearly haven’t had more children than they could comfortably house, unless your definition of comfortably house includes at least one child (but not the others?) having an en-suite.

there is also guest loo downstairs (just sink and toilet)
I called them all bathrooms but realise I used the term bathroom incorrectly.

2 family bathrooms (up and down)
2 en-suites
2 loos (downstairs and attic)

She has a very good point.

She had to share until 11.
Now you want to take away something of hers so her siblings (much younger than 11) don't have to share.

How to make her feel undervalued and resent her siblings in one easy move.

Yes and I do understand the upset and that she would be the only one sacrificing something.

But I cant see how it’s ‘not fair’, she’s doesn’t need a big bedroom and ensuite while younger brothers have just have average size rooms and little sister is in a box room, all without en-suites.
She would still have the advantage of the bigger bedroom.