To take away dd(13)s en-suite?

[thatsfunnybecause]

Dd(13) has bedroom with an ensuite, 3 year old is at the moment in a tiny room that basically just fits a bed and wardrobe.

We want to combine dd’s en-suite and DH’s office to make decent size bedroom for 3 year old.

Up until dd(13) was 11 and we moved to a bigger house she always had to share with either younger brother or older step sister.

She thinks as she had to share until she was 11, that younger siblings should share until then or be lucky and get tiny room of their own. And that by the time toddler is that age she will move out and she can have her room.

Is it unreasonable to take away her en-suite?

It’s hard to comment without seeing the layout of your house, but is there any scope to turn the playroom into a bedroom with potentially exclusive use of the downstairs bathroom in lieu of an en suite?

Obviously not, she would still have the bigger bedroom and the 3 year old would probably still have the smallest. It wouldn’t be in favour of, the 3 year old isn’t getting anything better than her, it would just be more evened out.

You could also do that younger siblings and 3 year old could hate 13 year old as she got the bigger room and an ensuite.

but I think siblings hating each other bedrooms is a little dramatic

If you take out the en suite to make a bigger bedroom, is there room in her (larger) bedroom to make a new small en suite, maybe with a shower only?

The 13 year old is U but that's ok, she's 13 i was too at that age lol.

I would offer her
(A) the office/box room and attach the ensuite on that wall/block up the other side so toddler has a big room and 13 yo still has an ensuite.

(B) do your suggestion and when dsd is at uni the 13 yo can have that and dsd her room.

Is dsd year 11? If you leave it 2 years when the toddler is 5 she will want her own room then and it's a more natural point to rearrange. But have this as a clear deadline for rejigging things.

I hate ensuites, i have too many bathrooms and i spend all my time endlessly cleaning them...

I will say my dd is 5 and has a tiiiiiiny bedroom and it's hard to have her toys e.g. barbie house/desk for colouring out as there is so little floor space so i agree it's an issue.

When you do up the shared bathrooms could you make one a girls bathroom for the teens, and the other a boys and younger kids bathroom?

I hated sharing bathrooms with boys/men as they’re messier and wouldn’t leave my bath tray with candles in place after having a shower, or would plop their lynx supersize bottle next to my nicely curated and decanted bath and beauty products. 😫

But the 3yo hasn't had something taken away from them to give to the 13yo so that's why they wouldn't resent it. And 10 years time when she's 13, the 13yo will be 23, and not needing that room, so she can have it. That sounds fairer doesn't it.
If you were planning before you moved in, then that would be a different matter.

But in this you are specifically removing something that was hers to give to the 3yo. That is where the resentment comes.I

No doubt her room will have to go through upheaval while it's done too. And op will tell her she's selfish and unfair to be upset.
Most adults would resent that situation where they give, get nothing in return and are expected to be cheerful about it. Especially as by the sound of it noone else is losing anything either.

I don’t even know why a 13 year old is being consulted on this? Surely the adults make the decisions in your house? Why is it so unreasonable to expect siblings to share a bathroom?

Could you do what you are saying but also use the existing plumbing to create a little vanity area with sink for her in her own room? You can create a screen with back-to-back bookcases so one side has room stuff and the other side has beauty stuff/jewellery boxes etc. Have a sink with a drawer unit underneath and a mirror with a good light above so she can still get ready in her own room. Just can't go to the loo or shower.

If DD is now 13 and toddler is 3, then it is indeed likely that she will be moving out in about five or six years, when toddler will still be younger than she was when she got a room of her own. I can see why she would think it unreasonable to lose her en-suite.

Why not just knock toddler's room and office together to make another more reasonable room for toddler, and leave the en-suite alone? Once the children all grow up and leave, you'll be very glad of a guest room with an en-suite, and even without that thought the house will lose value if you lose not just an en-suite but two other rooms to make one larger bedroom.

But in this you are specifically removing something that was hers to give to the 3yo. That is where the resentment comes.

@MargaretThursday See I think where we differ if that you’re thinking the ensuite belongs to the daughter. However there’s no ownership as it wasn’t a gift but a set up that worked best for the family at the time, with flexibility for things to change as family needs change.

My kids used to have a playroom but then we needed it for other purposes and now they don’t have one- and they’re completely fine with that. My husband and I used to have the bigger bedroom but then we felt it would be better used by our kids that shared a room, and we were fine with that. We don’t own the rooms but make decisions based on what works best for the family as a whole, rather than what works for only one member.

As long as everyone has their own practical and private personal space - that’s the ideal. Anything more (such as an ensuite) is a bonus- and she should be happy that she was the only sibling who had an ensuite for as long as she did, rather than sad it was taken away.

I think the majority of the 13 year olds in the world manage just fine without an en-suite and don’t hate their siblings 😂

@thatsfunnybecause it appears that OP has already made up her mind what she is doing and is only on mumsnet for affirmation! I would like to know how often the step daughter stays and why cant her space be used by someone else instead????

Yes, it is, shall we call the police and they can make her tell us 😂😂

‘Your DD will value that bathroom and will remember that it was taken away.’

The drama from some posters is hilarious, she’s a 13 year old girl, when she’s earning her own money and living in her own home she can have her own en-suite, loads of people survive without them.

Will no one think of all the 13 year olds without en-suites, how on earth are they expected to survive?!

I certainly hope they give their teachers a hard time, as they understandably demonstrate their marginalization, pain and hurt in the classroom.

Can’t you merge the box room and office without touching the en suite?

Agree with this.

No, they are not next to each-other.

In that case I’d do as pp suggested and have bedroom and toy room in the office. No one is entitled to an en suite BUT she’s going through periods etc and having the privacy of an en suite is a massive thing that it would be a real shame to remove for the sake of giving a three year old more toy space. Maybe the downstairs play room needs to become more of the youngest’s area? Older kids grow out of play rooms anyway.

So you currently have 4 bathrooms in a 7 bedroom house.

Ground floor:
1 loo
1 shower room

First floor:
6 bedrooms
1 family bathroom
2 en suites

Loft:
1 bedroom
1 loo

Putting your DD aside, if you take out the en suite, 7 bedrooms sharing 1 en suite and 2 family bathrooms, especially when 1 bathroom is on the ground floor, is going to devalue your home. It isn’t enough for a (presumably expensive) house of that size.

I asked this before...why does having periods now require your own separate bathroom? Surely anyone using a bathroom requires a certain amount of privacy, which is why the doors have locks.

She said there were 6 bathrooms?

My daughters had to share a bedroom until they left home and a family bathroom with their brothers and us. She doesn't need a bathroom but as she has had one it's probably harder to give up. Can you put a sink in her bedroom as a bit of a compromise?