DH refusing to help out

[KeenPeachExpert]

We live in quite an isolated area with very limited public transport. I don’t drive and am very dependent on DH on the weekends to get anywhere.

A few weeks ago, DH had a moan at me about having to spend his weekend driving us around. I admit, I became upset and we had a full blown argument.

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.

He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

The following weekend the shop told me to pick it up or they’d return the item. I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

i ended up having to take a lift from a friend but I cannot keep doing this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me? If it matters, we both work and I do the bulk of the housework.

Ermm isnt this why Amazon is so successful? Unless you live in the outer Hebrides get stuff delivered! Faffing around at WE in town is a nightmare ,parking .getting to and from town ,I think learn to drive or shop online

Please learn to drive - will be life changing for you!

Your DH is a bit of a twat, but he does have a point
Why is he a bit of a twat?
I'm not sure what's he's done wrong here.

Is this a reverse?

I don't drive. Therefore, I don’t live rually. YABU. No one wants to drive another adult around all the time.

Stop doing all the housework. That's a separate issue.

OP you sound like a massive PITA

Learn to drive, relocate or get a bike. I don't drive - to my shame, but I live in London, zone 1/2, and never expect a lift from anyone. I use public transport, pay for cabs or walk/bike it.

You can't keep getting lifts from friends but you expect your DH to take you wherever you want, whenever you want. 🙄

Sorry but you have sulked and refused to go pick it up, despite him offering to take you several times. Then when YOU decide you want to go he says he won't take you and you are upset?

Being the only driver is boring, tiresome, time consuming and irritating for most people who find themself in this situation.

Learn to bloody drive!

Is there a reason you can’t learn to drive. You should - you’re far too dependent on him.

In the minority here but I feel sorry for you & am very taken aback by the massive pile on & judgemental comments when nobody knows why you don't drive or how you came to be living in a rural location. It could be that you developed a medical condition after moving there & are now stuck and a bit trapped.

I think your husband was wrong to whine about driving you at the weekends. I can see why you were upset & didn't want to accept a lift the first time after that - who wants to be beholden to someone making them feel like they're doing a favour in what's supposed to be a team, but yes in all honesty you probably should have accepted the lift the next time he offered.

My husband and I both drive and regularly drop off or pick eachother up to make life easier or if parking is difficult and we do it voluntarily and with good grace. I don't hold with this idea that the person "doing the favour" gets to dictate when it's convenient for them & the other has to lump it - does this apply to the cooking and cleaning? Is it more convenient for you to hoover in the wee small hours while he's asleep?!

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership with give & take. 1 poster even said they "couldn't be with someone who didn't drive" well heaven help you if something happens to your partner like illness or injury. There is a divvying up of stuff in every marriage, in yours he does the driving you do the housework. Do you bleat about having to do the housework at weekends?

I'd talk about both of your frustrations calmly in an honest unheated discussion and if you can't resolve it then suggest he instead spends his weekends doing the housework while you get about in taxi's, or alternatively packing boxes for your imminent house move.

Find a way of resolving your differences, getting about independently, moving house or flying solo. Best of luck to you.

I don’t drive and hence live somewhere with good ways of getting around - which I pay a higher premium for- it’s ridiculous living somewhere with poor transport options if you don’t drive

If and when I have to stop driving I will move into town.

He offered to drive you to shop x 2 but you knocked it back. If you’re reliant upon someone,you need to accommodate to their availability. As you don’t have an alternative

longer term consider learning to drive or accept you have limited transportation options
Your spontaneity and plans that require transportation will rely upon a driver. That dies compromise you

You sound like hard work to be honest...
It would drive me mad having someone depend on me for lifts everywhere,partner or not.
Your husband asked you on 2 seperate weekends if you wanted to go and because you were in a huff you didn't want to.Now all of a sudden you do and he's not impressed you expect him to be at your beck and call.
Learn to drive.
What would you do if your husband couldn't drive for any reason?
Live as a hermit for the rest of your life??

I hope you didn't pull any muscles with this spectacular reach.

Shame @KeenPeachExpert hasn't returned to the thread.

Shame @KeenPeachExpert hasn't returned to the thread.

I'm not sure that she will TBH.

My husband and I both drive and regularly drop off or pick eachother up to make life easier or if parking is difficult and we do it voluntarily and with good grace.

But the BIG difference there is, you both drive, and take it in turns to help each other out. So it is a completely different situation.

Thanks @CarpetKnees (great username!) You're right in that we both help each other out & that's nice of you to say. I suppose I was suggesting the OP & DH do the same but in their case it would be in different areas - reciprocal helping out but maybe different tasks for them and what suits their abilities & marriage style. We don't know if the OP "doesn't drive" (never learned) or "can't drive" (medical/disability) and why they live in the middle of nowhere in this situation. Regardless of how they got there though, it's just a bit sad they're in a tit for tat over an issue that's going to bug them both every weekend & create resentment.

You can manage your life without driving, you can choose to live in the middle of nowhere, but it is impractical to do both.

Next time, get items delivered
Is it possible for you to learn to drive?

As above.
You were truculent and childish.

If you’d gone to town could you not have gone for lunch or a coffee too? That might have brightened your mood? Turned it into a nice experience?
Review your situation. Either learn to drive or move house.

He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

Crikey, you sound like hard work. I would hate constantly having to drive my partner round. If you can't drive, then you need to find workarounds that don't constantly inconvenience him.

Get the bus/train/cycle/walk/taxi/get stuff delivered.

@RampantIvy yep- I don’t drive for various reasons but I rarely ask for lifts as we live on the incredibly good university bus route or very occasionally I get a £6 uber into town which is easily balanced up cost wise by the fact we only have the1 car - I accept we pay more to live where we do -( lovely area too) but even if I did drive I’m not sure I would pick to live somewhere rather remote or with few facilities

I think you need to have a serious conversation about where you live and whether it’s practical. You don’t say whether you don’t drive because you never learnt (in which case can you learn now?), or whether you can drive but can’t anymore for medical reasons.
We live fairly rurally too and both DH and I drive but if for some reason I had to give up driving I would hate to be dependent on DH for lifts and would want to move house.

Because lessons now cost an absolute fortune. Seriously, outrageous. We have to save.