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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH refusing to help out

261 replies

KeenPeachExpert · 15/03/2025 14:03

We live in quite an isolated area with very limited public transport. I don’t drive and am very dependent on DH on the weekends to get anywhere.

A few weeks ago, DH had a moan at me about having to spend his weekend driving us around. I admit, I became upset and we had a full blown argument.

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.

He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

The following weekend the shop told me to pick it up or they’d return the item. I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

i ended up having to take a lift from a friend but I cannot keep doing this.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me? If it matters, we both work and I do the bulk of the housework.

OP posts:

SparklyGlitterballs · 15/03/2025 16:50

You're the unreasonable one for sulking for two weekends in a row. Of course he's going to react the next time you beg for a lift.

You're unreasonable to live somewhere isolated with poor public transport if you don't drive.

You're daft to do the bulk of the housework if you both work the same amount, however if you expect DH to act as your chauffeur then you need to compensate by doing some things in return.

Learn to drive or move house and make DH do his share of household tasks/life admin etc.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 15/03/2025 16:51

@Justcallmebebes why do you think her husband is a deadbeat?

Spirallingdownwards · 15/03/2025 16:55

He offered to take you the previous 2 weekends but you were being awkward so YABU

StepAwayFromGoogling · 15/03/2025 16:57

Who thinks YANBU?! You were in a strop for two weekends (so nearly 3 weeks) because he wouldn't take you somewhere at your bidding when you don't drive. Then decided you weren't in a strop with him anymore because you needed him to drive you somewhere. I'd also have told you where to go. Grow up. And learn to drive.

historygeek · 15/03/2025 17:01

What was it like at home for the two weeks between the weekends? Has there been sulking about other issues, or just this one? Because I could not be arsed to be in a relationship like that

diddl · 15/03/2025 17:06

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take me?

He offered & you said no.

What lesson were you trying to teach him by refusing to be driven where you wanted to go?

Remagirl · 15/03/2025 17:06

Why don't you drive?

AttachmentFTW · 15/03/2025 17:07

I think you've made your own bed, so lie in it. Why move to an isolated area when you can't drive. That's your problem, not DHs.

Why were you still upset about an argument a week later even when he was offering to help you out? That seems OTT. And the fact you refused to go seems petty and the fact you have got yourself into a bind over this item is your responsibility, not DHs.

The housework issue is irrelevant to this situation, unless you specifically agreed "I'll do all the housework as long as you drive me whenever I need it"

Semiramide · 15/03/2025 17:08

Am I being unreasonable?
YES cry 96%
Why do you live in an isolated place and yet you've not learned to drive? everyone asks.
And @KeenPeachExpert is not heard from again...

User5274959 · 15/03/2025 17:09

I don't actually think this is real.

But I'll bite anyway.

Yes yabu of course.
Why don't you drive?
If it's a medical reason - why on earth do you live somewhere without public transport links?
Why did you not get this item delivered?
Yes if you're reliant on someone else for lifts all the time they might get grumpy about it sometimes, and you have to get the lift when it's convenient for them.

diddl · 15/03/2025 17:13

I'm curious to know what was said to the friend about needing a lift.

I somehow don't think it was "husband cba to take me after already offering three times"

Msmoonpie · 15/03/2025 17:15

He offered to take you several times. You said no. It’s on you.

He may be your husband but he isn’t your slave. He doesn’t actually have to be at your beck and call.

Coconutter24 · 15/03/2025 17:16

DH refusing to help out

your title is a little off and doesn’t describe what is actually happening. Sounds like DH does help out by driving you around at weekends. He asked you twice if you wanted to go pick up your parcel but because you’ve sulked you’ve said no and then when you find out you have to get the parcel before it’s returned you expect him to just take you.

BMW6 · 15/03/2025 17:18

Bazinga007 · 15/03/2025 16:05

YABU.
Driving is a basic life skill.

I totally disagree. I don't drive (had lessons, failed test) so I live on bus routes.

I would far rather travel longer distances by train.

DaisyChain505 · 15/03/2025 17:19

Learn to drive or move somewhere not so reclusive. Simple.

It would be extremely irritating having someone depend on you everytime they needed to leave the house.

He also offered you a lift to get the item two weekends in a row which you refused and I would be annoyed that on the weekend after that you then asked if I could take you to get it when I’d previously offered.

When you’re the one asking for a favour you don’t get to dictate the rules of when it happens. You bend to fit in with the person doing you a favour.

ThighsYouCantControl · 15/03/2025 17:22

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.
He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

^ this is just a ridiculous way to behave. I’d have been annoyed with you too. He was being a twat but the pettiness that cuts off your nose to spite your face is very frustrating.

YABU to live somewhere that’s so difficult to get anywhere you have to rely that much on the other person because one of you doesn’t drive. I’d feel so trapped.

snowflakelake · 15/03/2025 17:26

If you are able to drive you need to do that.
if you are unable to learn to drive or now unable to drive due to a health issue you need to move to an area with public transport.
You can’t expect someone else to act as your taxi driver permanently.
If this is a short lived problem I would expect your DH to drive you while understanding it is frustrating for them.

nearlylovemyusername · 15/03/2025 17:29

The following weekend, I had to pick up something from town. DH asked me we were going to town to pick it up. I was still upset by his attitude and I told him I didn’t want to go.
He asked again the following weekend and I told him I didn’t want to go.

Second this.
You were sulking. Three weeks. It's simply abusive, manipulative behaviour.

Good job your DH called out this shit, I hope next time you'll learn better. Be grateful he didn't walk away from this relationship, I'd definitely would not tolerate such sulking.
And learn to drive FFS, what if DH is unable to drive for some reasons?

CarpetKnees · 15/03/2025 17:31

I asked DH if he could take me and he refused. He said he asked me three times over the previous two weekends and I had said no, so he was t prepared to take me.

He's quite right.
Why on earth do you think he should ? (or have the cheek to ask your friend) ??

Why were you sulking for 2 weeks ? How immature is that ?

I don't know which way round it is in terms of you choosing to live somewhere so inaccessible when you know you don't drive, or choosing not to learn to drive when you live somewhere so inaccessible, but these are crucial things to think about. If a massive drip feed comes about a medical reason for not driving, then you need to think hard about where you live.

Cucy · 15/03/2025 18:27

Do you have kids?

Why do you do most of the housework?

I wouldn’t mind driving my DH places sometimes but there’s no way I would be chauffeuring someone around constantly, especially when the weekends are the only time I get to not drive and relax or do something fun.

Why can’t you get public transport?

TokyoSushi · 15/03/2025 18:30

Why don’t you drive?

If it’s disability/medical related then fair enough, but even so, it’s a lot to expect of DH to drive all the time.

If not, you absolutely need to learn.

autisticbookworm · 15/03/2025 19:42

You are not being unreasonable in expecting part of his contribution to the household to be to run errands as he drives. You are being unreasonable to not use public transport (if available). You are being unreasonable to tell him no two weeks on the trot then ask on the third week. He’s doing you the task here,

ThighsYouCantControl · 15/03/2025 19:43

nearlylovemyusername · 15/03/2025 17:29

Second this.
You were sulking. Three weeks. It's simply abusive, manipulative behaviour.

That’s actually a good point about the sulking and manipulative behaviour being abusive. You need to stop that OP. Twat or not your husband is right to stamp that shit out.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 15/03/2025 19:47

He offered to take you a couple of times but you refused, that's on you completely.
You need to learn to drive, why the fuck would you move to an isolated area if you can't? I'd be pissed off at doing all the driving too.

friendlycat · 15/03/2025 22:29

I don’t actually think your title is correct. He offered twice to help you and you refused his help and chose to sulk instead.

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