To not expect to owe her £110 for ice cream?

[ForTidyShaker]

I have a receipt from her so it is the true cost.

My daughter is 6 and attended a friend’s birthday party. She was ecstatic to be going. It was at a soft play with someone doing princess make over hair and make up (face paint, all very sweet and harmless). Lovely time.

They had food. And then they were suppose to have cake. I’ve actually seen it in Waitrose, it’s a lovely cake but didn’t cost hundreds.

Anyway, the parents stayed. My son, had respite with his carer for the morning and I was meeting the carer in the car park for hand over after the party.

The party was running a bit late, and there was no sign of his carer. I rang and no answer. He’s had him a while so I wasn’t overly worried.

I went for a quick trip to the loo and was literally only 2 minutes max - I came back into the party room and DS was there with his carer looking for me - And he let go of his hand. DS ran straight for the cake and dug his hands in, eating it.

The other mums were giggling, birthday girl crying. My own DD crying. I was mortified and intervened straight away. But the damage was done.

I apologised over and over whilst handing a very upset, confused and overstimulated child. And told DD we have to go. Before leaving, I gave DS to his carer and ran over, telling the birthday girl’s mum I’d cover the cost. She did a weak smile and then said see you soon

DD was beside herself and had a really awful time of it. I paid the price, believe me.

Anyway, the birthday girl’s mum messaged me today with a bill for £109.59!

’Please see attached the receipt for the replacement desserts. Some children had more expensive things so it was quite costly. Sorry. Hope you are okay Anna’

AIBU not to pay almost £110?! The cake was a standard celebration cake I’ve seen before in the shops 😞 Would you just pay?

Thankfully, DD knows her from an activity and not school so no awkward school run trips.

Again, opinions vary. I don't think my child completely ruining the birthday party of a little girl he doesn't even know is tiny.

Maybe you're best ignored if you do? Manners cost nothing and I'd have been so embarrassed that I put the birthday girl's mum in such a position!

OP, if you come back, is there a mums group on WhatsApp etc? I wonder if a short message asking for help getting DD to future parties might head off her being left out?

This situation must have been awful for everyone. I’d have paid the £110 too, but I’d never have asked for it if I’d been the hosting mum.
if I’d been another guest I’d probably have offered to run out and get another cake - if it had been my 5 year old’s party I’d have asked DH to get another one.
and to hard disagree with another poster, as the hosting mum or another mum who knew what happened I wouldn’t ever exclude your DD in the future because of it - this is a terribly unfortunate incident and I understandable how upset everyone is, but I don’t actually think anyone is to blame. Yes, you could have not been in the loo, the carer could have held onto his hand, but likewise at a soft play centre that presumably many other children are at I wouldn’t put the cake on display in reach of any child. Another user of the soft play could have done this, or bumped into it etc and had a similar outcome.

You need to pay up. You didn’t resolve the issue on the day and she got ice cream as your child trashed the cake. Maybe you should have sorted it on the day instead of scuttling off

Same. I would have been mortified, then trued to resolve it their and then

Yes, this.
It’s unfortunate, but it’s definitely on you.

OK you're baiting and I should ignore you, but you do have the reading comprehension to understand that the child in question has a carer, meaning they have a disability that requires a carer? Just checking, in case you don't realise how much of a dick you're being right now.

Exactly- someone to collect the little girl and take her to the party {chances are if at school, there will be other local children invited to the party}

We used to collect and drop off a little boy DS was friends with {he had a learning disabled sister who would have made it hard for her Dad to take them both to drop off/pick up.}

£109 for 9 kids. That’s insane. No soft play I’ve ever been to would cost that much. Surely there must have been an option for a cornetto or cupcake for around the £3 mark? Even at £5 a head that’s only £45. I probably would pay it because it would be too awkward not to but I think she’s extremely cheeky and unsympathetic to ask this of you

What an utterly vile post. What makes you think you’re qualified to critique OP’s parenting skills, or the caring arrangements ? The arrangement was to do a hand over in the car park after the party, which to me, means the two kids would have been straight in the car and taken home. You know neither the OP nor the children, and by your careless use of language (DS being ‘delivered’ like some bloody package) it’s obvious you don’t have much experience of disability. Vile.

@ForTidyShaker
just to say I think you’ve done the right thing paying, but really anyone with a heart would see how this was one tiny of example of what you deal with day to day managing the needs of a complex Sen child.

Just sending you hugs as a mama managing it all…. It’s a lot. And this is one example of how hard it is for you everyday. <3

There are some really cold responses on here. Have a bit of bloody empathy! I think the carer needs a serious talking to for creating the situation in the first place, your son shouldn’t even have been in the building.

Yes, you pay. I personally wouldn’t have asked you to pay if I was the mother hosting. But, if my child (doesn’t matter if SEN or not, it makes what happened understandable however) had ruined the birthday cake then I absolutely would pay for replacing it and the cost of alternative desserts for the remaining guests. It’s ridiculous to assume that as one poster suggested the whole cake may not have been ruined. And it’s understandable they will want to have offered some sort of replacement to reduce their child’s upset. And yes, totally agree with previous poster. It shows a glimpse of what life’s challenges are like for you and I think we all appreciate that you deserve grace and understanding and hopefully your daughter and her friend will still be fine.

JockTamsonsBairns

"Would people actively exclude the sibling of a severely disabled small child, on account of an unfortunate incident beyond anyone's control?
Like, actually punish an innocent 6yo girl, whose life will already be difficult by dint of having a brother with profound complex needs?
Jesus. That's hellish."

Unfortunately the way that some posters have responded seems to be the case.
Unbelievable.

It's a long time since I've been to a play place but I totally agree.

I’d have gone so Waitrose and brought for a replacement cake. But since she’s out of pocket because of your son. Then I would just pay up.

Not just the case - you said that the birthday girl was crying - you ruined her birthday, effectively, because the cake and the candles and everyone singing happy birthday around the cake is the culmination.

The Op has paid the bill already.

loving the hyperbole from some - ‘ruining the party’ ‘carnage’

Why poor birthday girl? Honestly children need to learn empathy and disability. And to have resilience . And 6 isn't too young.
The birthday girl had already her party as it was pick up time she had her birthday presents and seemingly enjoyed a party with her friends at soft play. She cried when she saw the cake spoiled but surely a better response to that would have been a cuddle and to say never mind we can get another cake and then bought one on the way home.
It really is making a mountain out of a molehill. And adding to the drama to say poor birthday girl. How about poor OP and poor OPs children?

But an innocent girl still got her birthday ruined
Don't be so dramatic

I think the attitudes on here are disgusting and entitled. Yes my child would be upset, I would use this moment to teach compassion and understanding, not tell all her fucking friends to order an expensive dessert at over a tenner each!? At absolute worst I’d tell them to order a slice of cake or a cheap ice cream. They didn’t get to have a bespoke dessert each when there was a cake so why should they now?! If a waitress spilt food on my primark trainers I wouldn’t bill them for a pair of Nikes.

There is no way on this earth I would take a £109 bill to the mother of a disabled child telling her to cough up. I would feel shameful and embarrassed to do that.

I have never seen a post lack empathy so much in my entire time on mumsnet.

But you told her you'd 'cover the cost'.
What's happened is your DS destroyed the birthday cake, which she was going to serve the kids for their desert.
When the cake got ruined, she couldn't serve it to any of the kids as their desert, which she had obviously planned to do.
So in order to salvage her DD's party and still give the kids a desert, she's let them all order deserts from the menu at the place. Which will have had a massively marked up menu price list, as all these types of places have.
Then she's told you how much the cost came to.
You need to pay the bill.
You can't only offer to pay for the cost of the Waitrose cake, because she didn't go out to Waitrose and buy a replica cake after it got destroyed. And neither did you.
She hasn't billed you for the cost of a replacement cake. She's billed you for the cost of replacement deserts.
Thinking about it, she may have actually added the cost of what she paid for the cake (which she never got to use because your DS destroyed it) on to the bill for all the deserts and then sent you the total amount.
There's no way you should only be prepared to pay for the cake. You need to pay her for the amount she had to pay to ensure all the kids at the party still got a desert each, in her attempt to try and rescue her DD's party.
She sent you a curt message because she's really pissed off that her DD was reduced to tears at her own birthday party by her birthday cake getting ruined.
I can't believe you don't get this.
Pay her the full cost of what she had to pay to sort out the deserts. Don't question her about it.
And then take flowers to the mum with an apology card.
Take full responsibility for this. He's your DS. You cover the damage.

Re assorted desserts.

Initially, I thought maybe it was to account for allergies. But seeing only ONE cake was initially for all, I also hold a view, not strong, mind, that mum should have just looked at menu and ordered same item for all of them- something reasonably priced obv.

I have sympathy for both parents. Mum was dealing with an upset BDG and all other kids joining in the upset even if some of them were already full. I can see mum springing into action to offer, 'don't you all worry, we will order from the menu' and things just got out of hand from there. Other mums should have shown some calm heads too and maybe suggested one reasonably priced dessert.

However, it seems some posters are forgetting mum was also left with a situation needing immediate solution and had not much time to think. Just as Op also had to dash and leave all behind to handle her kids.

So the situation called for an additional expense and it is right it is paid for!

I would pay bill without Q or hesitation obviously. Might also send a bottle of wine and flowers like other poster said.

Also, re carer's hours going over which Op also mentioned. looks like it would have been cheaper to pay carer for an additional hour whilst trying to sort this yourself. I would have weighed up the costs as I would have expected 'some bill with an unknown amount'.

Quite!

The level of Ableism in this thread is astounding. Some people really need to have more empathy and understanding towards disabled children