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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect to owe her £110 for ice cream?

1000 replies

ForTidyShaker · 15/03/2025 10:21

I have a receipt from her so it is the true cost.

My daughter is 6 and attended a friend’s birthday party. She was ecstatic to be going. It was at a soft play with someone doing princess make over hair and make up (face paint, all very sweet and harmless). Lovely time.

They had food. And then they were suppose to have cake. I’ve actually seen it in Waitrose, it’s a lovely cake but didn’t cost hundreds.

Anyway, the parents stayed. My son, had respite with his carer for the morning and I was meeting the carer in the car park for hand over after the party.

The party was running a bit late, and there was no sign of his carer. I rang and no answer. He’s had him a while so I wasn’t overly worried.

I went for a quick trip to the loo and was literally only 2 minutes max - I came back into the party room and DS was there with his carer looking for me - And he let go of his hand. DS ran straight for the cake and dug his hands in, eating it.

The other mums were giggling, birthday girl crying. My own DD crying. I was mortified and intervened straight away. But the damage was done.

I apologised over and over whilst handing a very upset, confused and overstimulated child. And told DD we have to go. Before leaving, I gave DS to his carer and ran over, telling the birthday girl’s mum I’d cover the cost. She did a weak smile and then said see you soon

DD was beside herself and had a really awful time of it. I paid the price, believe me.

Anyway, the birthday girl’s mum messaged me today with a bill for £109.59!

’Please see attached the receipt for the replacement desserts. Some children had more expensive things so it was quite costly. Sorry. Hope you are okay Anna’

AIBU not to pay almost £110?! The cake was a standard celebration cake I’ve seen before in the shops 😞 Would you just pay?

Thankfully, DD knows her from an activity and not school so no awkward school run trips.

OP posts:
MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 15/03/2025 13:34

Fraudornot · 15/03/2025 11:29

Unfortunately I think you need to pay - it’s a bit cheeky of the mum to let everyone choose what they wanted but she might have been trying to redeem the situation as well by making choosing the desserts a bit of a treat.
I also think you need to think of your dd. This is the kind of memory that stays with you for years but if the narrative becomes mum treated everyone to desserts at the end it becomes a slightly less upsetting core memory. I think that is worth the £110.

I can imagine she was upset and had 10 disappointed kids and her daughter was crying, who is going to then tell a grou of uspet children to make sure to pick the cheapest item on the menu? She probably wanted to make up for the disappointment.

That being said OP I feel for you, we're in the same boat and I can totally see this happen to us- it actually once did when we went to a birthday party and my son wanted the cake so bad, and wouldnt wait, didnt udnerstand he had to and it was not cake time yet and got so upset he threw up. That was the last birthday party we went to!

UsernameTalk · 15/03/2025 13:34

The birthday mum was being unreasonable expecting you to cover the cost of all the expensive deserts.

Some people are being very harsh to the OP and don't know what it's like to have a disabled child. When my autistic child was 3 years old he was non verbal and had no sense off danger, he would just bolt off outside (in a car park onto a road level of danger). He didn't respond to instructions. He needed to be watched 24/7 (wouldn't even sleep on his own). Unless you experience this you don't get what it's like.

UnintentionalArcher · 15/03/2025 13:34

surreygirl1987 · 15/03/2025 13:23

What, it isn't 'okay' to request that you to 'do better' because you find it funny that a disabled child ruined a child's birthday cake? Ableism at its best...

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You’ve misunderstood, or misread, for whatever reason, as a number of people have highlighted. We’ll end the discussion there as we don’t seem able to move it forward to a more productive place. Again, I wish you all the best.

Ilovecakey · 15/03/2025 13:35

I think you should ask the carer to pay some towards it since your son was technically still in his care when it happened as you was in the toilet and he let go of his hand or if you pay him can you dock it out if his wages and explain it to him

Bleeky · 15/03/2025 13:35

Changedforadvice · 15/03/2025 13:10

Crisis situation 😂

We have NATO on standby, awaiting updates. The cake has been taken out! Mobilise troops, we're going in!

People need to get a grip over a 6 year old's birthday party, really. How parents handle such a situation becomes the lead for their kids. No big deal would have been my approach, as host or other parent in attendance.

Because ultimately, it isn't and certainly not in the context of caring for a disabled child and the real stress that must entail. I'm sorry if your journey was full of such inconsiderate and unsympathetic people, shame on them.

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NATO … nothing to do with MN.

Berlinlover · 15/03/2025 13:35

It’s an unfortunate situation but I’d pay up.

oakleaffy · 15/03/2025 13:36

BobbyBiscuits · 15/03/2025 13:33

I really think you need to take responsibility.

Your kid literally ruined an entire birthday cake, making birthday kid cry, and obviously nobody could eat it now. So they had to get the venue to supply replacements.

It's not acceptable what your child did, as it inconvenienced someone and spoilt a moment that had taken a lot of effort to organise.

If they can't be trusted around cakes and things that are for sharing then you or carer needs to keep a closer control on them.

You've seen the bill so she's not trying to con you. I'd say pay up I'm afraid. Unless you will literally be unable to pay the mortgage or feed your family if you do. In which case pay what you can?

The carer was at fault - he allowed the child to pull away. {He should have used a safety harness if he can't keep firm hold of a child he is meant to be keeping safe.

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:36

SmokeRingsOfMyMind · 15/03/2025 13:03

Her son's actions are her responsibility, and as a result of those actions the host incurred additional costs. It's entirely reasonable for her to pay and I don't understand why anyone would think otherwise. It's very unfortunate for the OP but it's not unfair or unreasonable.

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I can see genuinely don’t understand - it’s because you (and many others) have apparently not been taught good manners.

NiftyGreenEagle · 15/03/2025 13:36

ZeldaFighter · 15/03/2025 13:27

I think, although it is a lot of money, you should pay. Your child did this so it's your responsibility. I understand he's disabled but the responsibility as his parent is still yours.

Personally, I would feel too guilty that the other mum was out of pocket by my child's actions and so I would pay without any quibble.

I agree. I think you need to pay.

MumChp · 15/03/2025 13:37

UsernameTalk · 15/03/2025 13:34

The birthday mum was being unreasonable expecting you to cover the cost of all the expensive deserts.

Some people are being very harsh to the OP and don't know what it's like to have a disabled child. When my autistic child was 3 years old he was non verbal and had no sense off danger, he would just bolt off outside (in a car park onto a road level of danger). He didn't respond to instructions. He needed to be watched 24/7 (wouldn't even sleep on his own). Unless you experience this you don't get what it's like.

But an innocent girl still got her birthday ruined.

Snugglemonkey · 15/03/2025 13:37

Mnetcurious · 15/03/2025 10:30

Obviously you meant cover the cost of the cake, not “replacement desserts”. Ask how much the cake cost because that’s what you’ll be refunding, and no more. Her choice to then order dessert and allow children to choose expensive options.

It was not much of a choice! She was mid party, had an upset birthday child and a group of children expecting dessert. So she put it right and op offered to cover the cost. It was not possible to replace the cake, covering the cost means covering replacement dessert.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 15/03/2025 13:38

This sounds like a tough situation.
At the end of the day your son didn't purposefully go in to wreck the cake.
I think it's good of you to have paid it, but if I was the mum I would have taken control and ordered 10 lots of ice cream, not let the children pick pricey options to hike up the bill. At the end of the day it was just a cake.

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:38

surreygirl1987 · 15/03/2025 13:33

*Edited as OP doesn’t seem to understand what “laughing off” means.

It really does seem like you've got me and the OP mixed up... 🙈

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OP can refer to the original poster of the thread, or the original poster of the quote.

ChappellRoan · 15/03/2025 13:38

Agix · 15/03/2025 10:29

Your son destroyed the cake and as a result, they had to order new desserts for the party. You pay for those desserts, not the cake.

This. I'm surprised by some of these replies. She shouldn't have to pay for ice cream if it wasn't for your son ruining the cake. Why should the parent he e to foot the bill?

YABU OP

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 15/03/2025 13:38

ADreamIsAWishYourArseMakes · 15/03/2025 13:18

Jesus christ - the compassion should go both ways here.

The mum didn't need to spend £12 a kid on pudding. That was really shitty of her.

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There was a ruined birthday cake, hardly the end of the world is it?
Compare it to the shitty situation that the OP found herself in when no doubt her daily life is fucking arse. Nah the compassion should be one way.

naemates · 15/03/2025 13:39

OP could you please clarify if the money was dessert plus replacement cake or only the desserts and if so, what they were? So we can continue bickering amongst ourselves

autumngirl714 · 15/03/2025 13:40

If I was the host I would never have expected you to pay. It was an accident, one which clearly caused you and your daughter a lot of upset!

If you'd offered to pay, and I'd really struggled to pay for the extra desserts at a push I might suggest we go half? But even that doesn't feel right!

Josiezu · 15/03/2025 13:40

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:36

I can see genuinely don’t understand - it’s because you (and many others) have apparently not been taught good manners.

Edited
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It’s good manners to pay for something when you’re responsible for it getting ruined.

oakleaffy · 15/03/2025 13:40

ForegoneConfusion · 15/03/2025 13:31

What sort of soft play centre serves desserts that are (on average) £12.20 each?! I'd expect a few quid for a brownie or ice-cream. I must be out of touch...

Edited

I bet the adults there also got a cake or pudding...Make no mistake, adults eye up Birthday cake at children's parties - £12 for an individual pudding is extremely expensive.

Inyournewdress · 15/03/2025 13:41

Gosh I am sorry OP, what a difficult situation!
I don’t see the relevance though of covering the cost of the cake, since presumably they couldn’t dash out and replace that there and then. They had to come up with an alternative. It does seem a lot. I think if I were the mother hosting I would have been upset for my daughter, but I would have tried to swallow the cost or most of it. However it depends on her financial circumstances I guess.

Did the carer mess up a bit here? Is it obvious your DS can’t really be brought into occasions like that and then allowed to run off?

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:41

Josiezu · 15/03/2025 13:40

It’s good manners to pay for something when you’re responsible for it getting ruined.

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OP was right to offer. But it’s appalling manners to accept.

OP offers, host thanks her and graciously turns it down.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 15/03/2025 13:42

PreesHeath · 15/03/2025 13:23

You are being incredibly obtuse. “Laughing off” just means playing down. There is no mockery involved and no insult. Get off your high horse and stop being a silly sausage.

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Sorry, I know you are in the middle of an argument but your post really made me smile. My nan used to call us a silly sausage but I don't think I've seen/heard anyone say it since she passed away a few years ago.

@ForTidyShaker It sounds like that was a tough day for all of you and I hope that you are ok now.

InterIgnis · 15/03/2025 13:42

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:41

OP was right to offer. But it’s appalling manners to accept.

OP offers, host thanks her and graciously turns it down.

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Bollocks 😂

latetothefisting · 15/03/2025 13:43

but....£109 divided into 9 = just over £12 on average, but some kids had 'more expensive' desserts
In a soft play!
What the hell did they order that cost, what £15 per dessert? You'd struggle to spend that those ripoff fancy waffle/pancake places like Kaspas
That is insane and the mum is taking the piss
A standard ice cream per child and maybe the cost of buying a cake (wouldn't need such a big one) would be fair.

Mirabai · 15/03/2025 13:44

InterIgnis · 15/03/2025 13:42

Bollocks 😂

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A lot of people on here need coaching.

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