Page 11 | To not expect to owe her £110 for ice cream?

ForTidyShaker · 2025-03-15T10:21:52+00:00

I have a receipt from her so it is the true cost. My daughter is 6 and attended a friend’s birthday party. She was ecstatic to be going. It was at a soft play with someone doing princess make over hair and make up (face paint, all very sweet and harmless). Lovely time. They had food. And then they were suppose to have cake. I’ve actually seen it in Waitrose, it’s a lovely cake but didn’t cost hundreds. Anyway, the parents stayed. My son, had respite with his carer for the morning and I was meeting the carer in the car park for hand over after the party. The party was running a bit late, and there was no sign of his carer. I rang and no answer. He’s had him a while so I wasn’t overly worried. I went for a quick trip to the loo and was literally only 2 minutes max - I came back into the party room and DS was there with his carer looking for me - And he let go of his hand. DS ran straight for the cake and dug his hands in, eating it. The other mums were giggling, birthday girl crying. My own DD crying. I was mortified and intervened straight away. But the damage was done. I apologised over and over whilst handing a very upset, confused and overstimulated child. And told DD we have to go. Before leaving, I gave DS to his carer and ran over, telling the birthday girl’s mum I’d cover the cost. She did a weak smile and then said see you soon DD was beside herself and had a really awful time of it. I paid the price, believe me. Anyway, the birthday girl’s mum messaged me today with a bill for £109.59! ’Please see attached the receipt for the replacement desserts. Some children had more expensive things so it was quite costly. Sorry. Hope you are okay Anna’ AIBU not to pay almost £110?! The cake was a standard celebration cake I’ve seen before in the shops 😞 Would you just pay? Thankfully, DD knows her from an activity and not school so no awkward school run trips.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 15/03/2025 11:12

FatherFrosty · 15/03/2025 10:33

Seriously, where is the compassion in the replies?! op has had a carer for her son, it’s not like an unattended toddler just nommed it.

Besides, surely she had a duty of cake over the cake?
If the cake was sat there uncovered anything could have happened to it

Exactly she had TWO adults that know this child needs supervision. Highly irresponsible of the carer to bring the child into the party in the first place when it wasn't finished.

OPs child ruined the cake. Disgusting anyone thinks that cake should then have been served to any of the party children.

@ForTidyShaker Should have stayed for a few minutes and paid the venue directly for X amount of Y desserts as a replacement if she's that concerned that she's footing the bill above a cake ( for which she doesn't appear to have been charged) for damage caused by her child. Who wasn't invited.

She didn't so the children ordered what they wanted. Birthday girl's mum is still out the cost of the cake and still had her daughter crying at her own party.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 15/03/2025 11:12

bigkicks · 15/03/2025 11:09

Nothing like Mumsnet to remind parents of disabled children just where they stand. OP my severely autistic ds would do the same. We can't let go of his hand without some kind of catastrophe happening in the blink of an eye, he's fast, he's strong, and he doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions. He can't talk and doesn't react to his name FFS. I also can't leave the house with both my DC at once. Pay the bill to make the issue go away (she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated). Ask the carer to next time please wait outside but don't berate them too much, accidents happen and a good carer is like goldust, we've still not found one. All the comments with the blame insinuated in the tone, it was an accident, the child didn't deliberately target the cake to ruin a party, he wasn't there to join in the party uninvited, presumably that's why he was out on respite at the time so OP could accompany her DD, calm down and have some compassion, life is beyond difficult with a disabled child without the vitriol from those who haven't experienced it. It's a lonely, exhausting path few understand.

she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated

Come off it. The OP's son destroyed the cake- of course the OP should pay for the replacements which were needed.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/03/2025 11:12

Snorlaxo · 15/03/2025 10:51

I think that you should pay for the desserts but not the cake as the ice cream was the alternative to cake. Annoying that some kids picked expensive desserts but you weren’t there to say one scoop of ice cream per child or whatever and stop someone from ordering triple scoop with whipped cream, sauce and sprinkles at ££££

If it happened at the start of the party where there was enough time for you to go out and buy the cake at Waitrose then paying for just the cake would have been fine.

Edited

Actually I'm confused - I thought £110 was the cost of all the desserts, but that puts them at about £12 each if if was for 9 guests! Sorry for not reading the follow up.

If they were £12 then wow! but sorry you'll still have to pay, but if that's for desserts and cake then she's being REALLY cheeky.

Genevieva · 15/03/2025 11:12

YoI’m didn’t offer a replacement desert. You offered the cost of the cake. It’s not the first or last time a child with SEN will do this sort of thing. The mother needs to lighten up.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 15/03/2025 11:12

Why should the birthday Mum have to bear the cost?

She didn't cause the problem.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/03/2025 11:13

She's done exactly what MN would tell her to do if she'd posted from her point of view 😄

IridiumSky · 15/03/2025 11:13

Agix · 15/03/2025 10:29

Your son destroyed the cake and as a result, they had to order new desserts for the party. You pay for those desserts, not the cake.

Correct.

Just pay the bill and shut up.

Anything else would be highly dishonourable.

Toomuchlemonade · 15/03/2025 11:13

£110 for 9 desserts!! That's over £12 each per dessert. Where the heck is this soft play? That's extortionate. It's £2.50 and ice cream at my local soft play. I appreciate some with be more pricey but £12 a dessert!? Imagine how much the actual party cost of that's how much they charge.

I do feel for you, it was an awful accident. I can understand the mum would have been out of pocket but I there must have been cheaper options. I also don't agree that every child would have been devastated at not having cake. I understand the birthday girl would have been upset but the others would have been fine with an alternative.

saraclara · 15/03/2025 11:13

I feel for you. But this:

Her out of pocket expense for what your son did was £110 - not the cost of the cake

biscuitsandbooks · 15/03/2025 11:13

bigkicks · 15/03/2025 11:09

Nothing like Mumsnet to remind parents of disabled children just where they stand. OP my severely autistic ds would do the same. We can't let go of his hand without some kind of catastrophe happening in the blink of an eye, he's fast, he's strong, and he doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions. He can't talk and doesn't react to his name FFS. I also can't leave the house with both my DC at once. Pay the bill to make the issue go away (she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated). Ask the carer to next time please wait outside but don't berate them too much, accidents happen and a good carer is like goldust, we've still not found one. All the comments with the blame insinuated in the tone, it was an accident, the child didn't deliberately target the cake to ruin a party, he wasn't there to join in the party uninvited, presumably that's why he was out on respite at the time so OP could accompany her DD, calm down and have some compassion, life is beyond difficult with a disabled child without the vitriol from those who haven't experienced it. It's a lonely, exhausting path few understand.

Nobody's saying the child did it on purpose or that it wasn't an awful accident.

But it shouldn't be the party mum who bares the cost of what happened either.

Rhaidimiddim · 15/03/2025 11:13

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anicecuppateaa · 15/03/2025 11:13

You need to pay for it all. They had to buy different desserts because the birthday cake was ruined. Of course you should cover the cost!

spicemaiden · 15/03/2025 11:13

bigkicks · 15/03/2025 11:09

Nothing like Mumsnet to remind parents of disabled children just where they stand. OP my severely autistic ds would do the same. We can't let go of his hand without some kind of catastrophe happening in the blink of an eye, he's fast, he's strong, and he doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions. He can't talk and doesn't react to his name FFS. I also can't leave the house with both my DC at once. Pay the bill to make the issue go away (she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated). Ask the carer to next time please wait outside but don't berate them too much, accidents happen and a good carer is like goldust, we've still not found one. All the comments with the blame insinuated in the tone, it was an accident, the child didn't deliberately target the cake to ruin a party, he wasn't there to join in the party uninvited, presumably that's why he was out on respite at the time so OP could accompany her DD, calm down and have some compassion, life is beyond difficult with a disabled child without the vitriol from those who haven't experienced it. It's a lonely, exhausting path few understand.

Mum of a disabled child here.

it’s not ky fault my child has a disability, but it is my responsibility when something happens.

wombat15 · 15/03/2025 11:14

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 15/03/2025 11:03

Pop to Tesco - sounds like you didn’t read about OP’s son’s needs.

Show quote history

As I said the carer should have looked after the child while they did that. If they caused the problem they should have helped with the solution.

biscuitsandbooks · 15/03/2025 11:14

Toomuchlemonade · 15/03/2025 11:13

£110 for 9 desserts!! That's over £12 each per dessert. Where the heck is this soft play? That's extortionate. It's £2.50 and ice cream at my local soft play. I appreciate some with be more pricey but £12 a dessert!? Imagine how much the actual party cost of that's how much they charge.

I do feel for you, it was an awful accident. I can understand the mum would have been out of pocket but I there must have been cheaper options. I also don't agree that every child would have been devastated at not having cake. I understand the birthday girl would have been upset but the others would have been fine with an alternative.

Plus the cost of the cake presumably, so not £12 each?

MinistryofThyme · 15/03/2025 11:14

Oh OP. This isn’t much fun for anyone. FWIW, I don’t think anyone wins here. It’s not as simple as YABU / YANBU. It’s just a horrible, unfortunate incident. You’ve done the right thing morally offering to pay. She’s within her rights to accept, and to bill for the unexpected cost.

Letter of the law, not the spirit, I suppose. I’d never dream of billing you. But perhaps I’m financially comfortable enough, plus have worked a lot with children with SEN, to make that decision.

So nobody is wrong. Move on as best you can. I’m sorry this happened.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/03/2025 11:15

Christmasmorale · 15/03/2025 11:11

I think I would look at the cost of a cheap and reasonable dessert on the menu )I.e. chocolate or vanilla flavour ice cream), and only pay the amount of that for the number of children present, with 50% extra to accommodate for the value of the ruined experience.

So if 10 chocolate ice creams costs £50, then that x1.5=£75. And plead poverty that money is tight and explain that when you offered you were offering to pay the value of the cake - but understand she had to get desserts in but the kids would have been fine with basic ice cream.

And then when DD never gets invited to another party ever again because word spreads that not only did her brother ruin the cake and end of the party but then OP agreed to pay & then went back on it, doing a calculation herself for what she feels she owes, will the impact on DD’s life be worth the £30 OP would save by doing it this way?

I don’t think so.

NoWayRose · 15/03/2025 11:15

Oof what a situation for you and the other family. I do think the hostess was probably put on the spot herself with all the kids running round and trying to work out what to do. I can imagine her DD might have been a bit upset and a quick way to placate her would be to say everyone choose desserts, understandable decision.

It would have been nice of her to offer to pay half maybe but I think you should pay.

LoveWine123 · 15/03/2025 11:16

bigkicks · 15/03/2025 11:09

Nothing like Mumsnet to remind parents of disabled children just where they stand. OP my severely autistic ds would do the same. We can't let go of his hand without some kind of catastrophe happening in the blink of an eye, he's fast, he's strong, and he doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions. He can't talk and doesn't react to his name FFS. I also can't leave the house with both my DC at once. Pay the bill to make the issue go away (she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated). Ask the carer to next time please wait outside but don't berate them too much, accidents happen and a good carer is like goldust, we've still not found one. All the comments with the blame insinuated in the tone, it was an accident, the child didn't deliberately target the cake to ruin a party, he wasn't there to join in the party uninvited, presumably that's why he was out on respite at the time so OP could accompany her DD, calm down and have some compassion, life is beyond difficult with a disabled child without the vitriol from those who haven't experienced it. It's a lonely, exhausting path few understand.

But if your child creates a situation that causes another family to be out of pocket would you not offer to pay for it?

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 15/03/2025 11:16

She couldn't serve the cake at her daughter's party so had to pay for desserts from the venue. She wouldn't have had that expense if the cake hadn't been ruined. You said you would cover the cost. I know you probably meant just the cake, but it did cost her more to fix the problem.

DoYouReally · 15/03/2025 11:16

I find this thread very sad and it really show the lack of empathy people have for parents raised children with special needs.

There was no malice in what the little boy did - overstimulated and these things happen.

A much better approach for party mum would have to been to purchase something reasonable for all the kids rather than allowing them pick whatever they wanted for even saying "I didn't curtail the spending so some picked expensive items, are you happy to split it"

The poster referring to a "duty of care" over the cake 😆

OP, I think you're right. The cake mum didn't consider you at all in any of this. Yes, you have to pay it but she's a very unreasonable person completely void of any empathy.

Overthebow · 15/03/2025 11:16

bigkicks · 15/03/2025 11:09

Nothing like Mumsnet to remind parents of disabled children just where they stand. OP my severely autistic ds would do the same. We can't let go of his hand without some kind of catastrophe happening in the blink of an eye, he's fast, he's strong, and he doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions. He can't talk and doesn't react to his name FFS. I also can't leave the house with both my DC at once. Pay the bill to make the issue go away (she is cheeky to ask for payment for the desserts though, if you didn't agree beforehand you're not obligated). Ask the carer to next time please wait outside but don't berate them too much, accidents happen and a good carer is like goldust, we've still not found one. All the comments with the blame insinuated in the tone, it was an accident, the child didn't deliberately target the cake to ruin a party, he wasn't there to join in the party uninvited, presumably that's why he was out on respite at the time so OP could accompany her DD, calm down and have some compassion, life is beyond difficult with a disabled child without the vitriol from those who haven't experienced it. It's a lonely, exhausting path few understand.

No one here is blaming the DS, it’s not his fault. But the fact is the consequences of his actions meant the birthday tea was ruined, the birthday child and others were upset and crying, OPs dd was humiliated. The OP needs to pay to rectify the situation. Both to replace the desserts and also to show that she’s sorry for what happened. I don't think any of us would be too pleased about our child’s birthday party being ruined and our child upset on their birthday.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 11:16

ForTidyShaker · 15/03/2025 10:53

Lol, really? I did offer to pay! I didn’t stay and order or replace it there and then because I had my son with me.

I can’t care for both my son and DD in a public space anymore, for reasons of safety. But I guess you have no experience of literally having no option to take both children out the house at once in a public space like a party venue or shop

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Oh OP, this sounds so tough.

Your DS had two carers there with him and even then, it only took a second's lapse in concentration for him to escape, run off and stuck his hands in the birthday cake. That sounds absolutely exhausting to live with, and no doubt it has an impact on your daughter a lot of the time as well because she can't do "normal" things.

I have no idea what it is like to live like that and nor, I suspect, do most parents. I imagine it's not the first time you've had to pay to put something right due to your son's behaviour and it won't be the last time. In your shoes I think I would feel a little resentful that the birthday girl's mum who probably doesn't have bigger problems to worry about than a spoiled cake couldn't cut you a little bit of slack.

Your daughter would almost certainly want you to just pay up and smooth things over in the hope that it doesn't make things difficult for her socially.

You've done the right thing.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/03/2025 11:16

Webbing · 15/03/2025 11:09

I’m going to go against the grain here say the parents of the bday girl were unreasonable. It was unfortunate this happened but it didn’t ruin the party- kids breaking a limb falling off the play equipment is a disaster, a bit of cake isn’t . And this is why many kids are not resilient and suffering with mental health and anxiety issues when older. This build up to picture perfect Disney moments is ruining life experiences where we are all stressed out to create the perfect curated memory.

If the same situation happened decades ago nothing would be any different, a part of the child's birthday party was spoiled and a solution was made at a cost.
Resilience and mental health have nothing to do with it.

Bunnycat101 · 15/03/2025 11:16

I think you were right to pay but I can see why you’d be a bit narked at the cost per child for the pudding as that seems a bit excessive.

I actually had a similar thing happen at one of my daughter’s parties but the kid didn’t cause as much damage. We were in a party room and this kid suddenly turned up and started trying to finger the cake. We still used it as it was only a small section he’d damaged but I was a bit pissed off that I had to take this kid back to a public area where his parents hadn’t seemed to notice he’d gone missing. They just looked at me and said oh he’s autistic but they’d not even noticed he had disappeared. All the kids back in the room were then like ‘I don’t want to eat the cake, he’s had fingers in it’ and I had to calm him then down and make light of it. I can see why a group of younger kids with more damage to the cake would have been quite hard to deal with.