To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

@Tropicalturnip @MrsTheodoreLogan I also dont know how anyone can live like that? what is with the joint money, my money, his money shit??? it is all "our" money in a marriage! where is the trust in the relationships nowadays?? It doesnt matter who earns the most or contributes the most to the house. both of you should be putting all of your wages into the pot to pay all the bills and all the shopping. if there is money left over for treats then that if fine.if either of you want something new and there is money left in the pot then ask the other one. all bigger purchases should be jointly decided, ie new car etc. one person takes charge but both should have details to log on and check online accounts. If there is no trust then there is really no point to being married. I have looked after the finances for 50 years starting when we got engaged. we dont actually have joint accounts but I have access to his and can remove money whenever I need a bill paying.

I really can't get my head round being married and not just having a joint account for all stuff relating to life lived together. Checking deodorant and moisturiser purchases? Yuk. All this fannying about with he puts a percentage and I put a percentage,worked out to a penny, would genuinely have me looking to live elsewhere and let him(it's usually a man)have a different percentage of money to work out ie child maintenance.

For people who have a joint account and an account for personal expenses, how do you do it if you go shopping and need to buy the normal food shop from the joint account but several personal items? Split the shop? Pay from the joint account and then transfer the money from your personal account? Sounds like a pain...

I know. Just have a joint account, and act like adults in a marriage. It's a lot easier.

DH buys expensive razers online and I buy standard Gillette ones and chuck them in with the shop. We both just add toiletries/vitamins/socks and pants to the supermarket shop.

Ask him how you will ever attract a wealthier and more generous second husband without looking after yourself. That should fix it.

Yes at the first checking of receipts DH would be handed the shopping bags and off to Tesco he would be going
Seriously my pal was married to a guy like this and his controlling behaviour got worse as the years went on and she had a terrible life

Anything that comes in the big shop comes from joint money. We have better things to do than worry if an extra £2 has been spent on deodorant. Any toiletries not in big shop (from Boots, etc) are from personal spending money. It’s less to do with who spends money on what and more to do with practicality of doing the shopping.

If your Dh is worried about spending, I’d turn the big shop over to him. He can meal plan and do the shopping list and go around the house and see if you’re low on toilet roll or calpol or shower cleaner and then do the shop himself if he’s concerned with how joint money is being spent. And take the kids while he does it. You can use your free time to go to Boots and buy your deodorant and have a quiet coffee.

The shopping came to £60 and a third of that was spent on your personal items? Is that right? If so yes you are being unfair.

Arghhh this sounds fucking awful.
What a cheap ass.
To be straight though I do buy my moisturiser, shower gel and shampoo from mypersonal account because I buy really expensive stuff. Having said that if I bought it from the joint account he’d not question it or even notice.
Both of us have deodorant on the supermarket shop though.
I wouldn’t want to be accountable to anyone over my spending. I can afford it and if I couldn’t I’d cut back.
£7 for a bloody moisturiser and he’s questioning that it came from the joint account… Jesus Christ.

Oh god that level of petty 😐

If you agree personal items to come out of own budget Yabu. 1/3 of the shop was your personal items.

It was 1/3 of the shop.

Deodorant and toothpaste, shower gel etc come out of joint account because they are bought in the supermarket, as part of the “big shop”.

My skincare including moisturizer, shampoo and conditioner, stuff I buy from the salon or from Boots etc I buy myself with my own money. DP’s equivalent would be shaving stuff - he buys that in bulk somewhere.

So? Isn't she part of the household? She's not a lodger.

What a horrible situation. So you don’t buy the moisturiser, he accuses you in a few years of letting yourself go’ and runs off with another woman.

Find a way to protect yourself and your children financially.

With the financial arrangement you have, he is technically correct.

The reason it feels unfair, controlling and tight is because the financial arrangement itself is unfair, controlling and tight.

This. Deodorant on the supermarket shop on the joint account and moisturiser from Boots on my account as it's a luxury. If it was a very cheap one then it would go on the supermarket shop. But we don't count items to the penny from the joint account. If we're having a coffee out one of us will pay and we don't keep score but if it's a meal we'll put it on the joint. We're married and if needed all money is joint money. I have a separate savings account for a replacement car at some point but if DH needed to replace his car before I did then he would have that money.

I'm actually surprised when there's so many threads on here saying they feel poor on X amount of household income or they don't know where their money goes that keeping track of spending is seen as super controlling.

I agree it can be controlling, but in itself, tracking what is spent where can just be budgeting

This isn't okay.
You should both have the same amount of spending money. Or technically you could argue that he pays you for childcare... which let's face it is another form of madness.
Your description of how he isn't normally like this and will pay for family dinners out, etc, again seems like something is amiss. I disagree and saw he isn't paying, you are jointly paying. The money is both of yours, it isn't just his. And due to my personal experience this is how it starred with my now ex. He was happy to spend his money on what he valued or felt was necessary, but I would go without something as my avaliable spending money was much less.
This was a similar situation with my ex. I did all the childcare, he started earning more than me, he nitpicked like this. I would be questioned on the £30 hospital parking over the course of a month which i had spent out of the joint account because I'd taken our child to their hospital appointments and dad had refused to attend. Then the nitpicking became worse with every £4 hospital parking, the kid's new socks, everything.
I think a new agreement needs to be put in place or resentment will build.

Also you were being clever with your purchase, it was on offer! Therefore saving money long term.

I think it’s fine to have an agreement that personal products such as deodorant toiletries etc are separate from the household budget generally speaking, but adding a £7 moisturiser into the trolley at Tesco one time isn’t a big deal. There should be a sensible degree of flexibility. He shouldn’t have even noticed because be checking the receipts anyway it’s weird. My ex and I bought things like that separately from the big shop but on occasion either of us might drop something into the trolley during the big shop, it’s really not a big deal.

I spend quite a lot on personal care items so I’d pay for it out of my own account

As soon as children come along, if one half of the relationship starts doing more of the unpaid labour, as you clarified you do in a later post op, then surely it is absolutely OBVIOUS that the only fair way is to have a joint pot for the income. Proportional surely leaves you with less disposable income than him? How would that be fair? How does the conversation even go?
‘so, you go part time to look after the children. We’ll each put 50% of our salary in to a joint pot.’
I don’t get why you wouldn’t say
‘lol, you idiot - that leaves you with more spending money. So, no.’

Well he can do the food shopping in future..... And do the list..

Does your husband have no personal spending at all?