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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

454 replies

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 07:24

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

OP posts:
Cucy · 15/03/2025 09:10

Stripeyanddotty · 15/03/2025 08:48

@Cucy
Did you miss the sentence where the op says she is parttime and does all the childcare?

No I didn’t.

She chooses to work PT so I assume they couldn’t get by on her salary alone.
Therefore they do need to budget and keep an eye on finances, like most households.

So it depends how he checked the receipt.

If he was checking it to check up on her then he’s obviously BU.

But if money is tight and the food she bought didn’t come to the amount it cost, then it’s normal to check the receipt to make sure they weren’t overcharged.
Surely everyone does this.

PollyHutchen · 15/03/2025 09:11

I think the joint account shopping money is for stuff that's shared. So if you're happy for the kids to put on moisturiser every time they have dry hands, or for your partner to put this on after shaving that's fine. Similarly teenagers/husband put on the deodorant after showering. I buy basic shampoo and toothpaste and soap from the joint account. Any cosmetics for personal use, I'd buy from my own money.

Basically there's now £20 less for buying food, or to put towards family activities.

If you have plenty of spare disposable income, no problem. But in many cases money is getting tight and people have to look at their spending.

Cathandkin · 15/03/2025 09:12

PollyHutchen · 15/03/2025 09:11

I think the joint account shopping money is for stuff that's shared. So if you're happy for the kids to put on moisturiser every time they have dry hands, or for your partner to put this on after shaving that's fine. Similarly teenagers/husband put on the deodorant after showering. I buy basic shampoo and toothpaste and soap from the joint account. Any cosmetics for personal use, I'd buy from my own money.

Basically there's now £20 less for buying food, or to put towards family activities.

If you have plenty of spare disposable income, no problem. But in many cases money is getting tight and people have to look at their spending.

It's not about the spending. It's the control.

Stripeyanddotty · 15/03/2025 09:13

@Yerblues
The op works part time, does all the childcare so no childcare bills for her husband to pay his share of. Is that fair?

BermudaBlues · 15/03/2025 09:15

MrsTheodoreLogan · 15/03/2025 07:25

I do not know how anyone can live like this.

This 💯 is not how a partnership should work or feel!

Nikki75 · 15/03/2025 09:15

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 07:24

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

I couldn't live like that.. it's deodorant and a moisturiser and going through a receipt, you're not a child .
It's just petty !!

Cucy · 15/03/2025 09:16

Yerblues · 15/03/2025 09:03

The shopping came to £60 and a third of that was spent on your personal items? Is that right? If so yes you are being unfair.

The trouble is that on MN many people don’t understand that the majority of households have a budget and personal items are a luxury, especially if they are not the cheapest in the store.

Posters saying that they just have a joint account and can buy whatever they want from it, are not really in a position to comment because they don’t understand the situation.

JingsMahBucket · 15/03/2025 09:18

SoScarletItWas · 15/03/2025 07:29

Nor me. I am always baffled by the level of selfishness in some ‘partnerships’.

And as often the case with these threads, this is not about the Iranian yoghurt deodorant.

Show quote history

@SoScarletItWas I got that reference! 😂

Endofyear · 15/03/2025 09:19

Good God 😳 I couldn't live with this level of nitpicking. It's just bizarre!

JMSA · 15/03/2025 09:19

I’d hate to be with someone like this. Sorry OP.

Squiggle13 · 15/03/2025 09:19

essentials, such as deodorant, shower gel & toothpaste come out of our joint pot but personally all my make up, skin care etc comes out of my personal spends. As it is not essential and can quickly add up. I know it’s all just one big pot at the end of the day but it works for us. DH likes fancy hair stuff so always buys that but hairspray we both us goes on the joint.

My husband would never go through receipts but I’m the one more in control of the finances. My husband went away with friends and because our joint card was his default Apple pay. All his metro/transport was put on the joint. I just said can you transfer the money back, no issue there. Maybe it’s not the same but he would have been the none the wiser, I checked the accounts.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 09:19

YipYapYop · 15/03/2025 08:04

I have a few questions.

Do your housing costs and bills come out of this account? Could that be the the reason why he was concerned by the slightly higher receipt, because of making sure there was enough for bills to go out?

I've had a previous relationship where we both paid rent and bills money proportionally into an account where they were taken. But we didn't do shopping from that account at all so there was a clear line between money aside for bills and money for spending. We then had the rest of our money for ourselves.

We then had a separate budget which we both paid towards for shopping, which included food shop. Our food shop did include stuff like toilet roll, shampoo etc.

Also, what kind of arrangement do you want and what is his objection?

I see the proportional split come up here a lot and usually with a lot of support. Personally I think it works until you have children, when you would need to agree how money would work when one of you needs to care for a baby and miss work to do that.

Yes they do - that's not a bad idea actually to put spend in a separate account, to reduce his anxiety while we're not all in one pot.

Wow so many replies, sorry I don't have time to read as I'm now at work but will be back later 😂

Thanks to those sharing they do think it's personal spend as I genuinely hadn't even thought it was in any way reasonable but good to have a different perspective!

Also just to add, I was just having a bit of a rant so this was fairly light hearted when I posted, and we've cleared the air already - but it's definitely given me some thoughts on some further conversations about how we manage our joint money!

OP posts:
minnienono · 15/03/2025 09:21

I think the problems run deeper that moisturiser. You need to properly discuss money.

I can’t imagine being moaned at for putting my 89p deodorant or any other care items in the supermarket shop, I often do, even my £6 shampoo (hardly expensive but not basic either). We have separate accounts but we regularly buy things for each other because it’s convenient at the time, doesn’t matter because all money is ours not mine or his, just no point in setting up a joint account these days as met later and no joint kids.

Walkaround · 15/03/2025 09:21

On the one hand, at what point does it become personal? What if your favoured face cream were £100 a pot?

On the other hand, how ridiculously controlling. I think your dh is having a hard time feeling meaningful within the family, if you are the one doing almost all the childcare while he works away, so his main means of control is to comment on the cost of everything and to be seen to contribute more financially, eg, by everyone seeing that he’s the one paying for a meal out. You only being allowed to spend money on anything relating to yourself from your personal account is his way of reminding you that you earn less than him and “need” him to sustain the family life you want. It’s not a stance of mutual trust and respect, it’s a fear of loss of control or influence.

Spacehop · 15/03/2025 09:21

C152 · 15/03/2025 08:19

Expensive face moisturiser that only I use, I would count as a personal expense. Something that can and is used by the whole family, like a tub of E45 or Aveeno, is a family expense. Normal supermarket deoderant should also count as part of the normal family shopping expense.

But as others have mentioned, I'm not sure the current set up you both have with money has been well thought through. Fair enough for both of you to agree a family budget, but if your DH earns significantly more than you, what you spend on 'family' things should be split proportionately according to salary.

Part of the reason OP earns less is to do childcare. This should be taken into account. The person wholly able to focus on their career shouldn't get all the financial upside for that because the other person facilitates that.

CloudPop · 15/03/2025 09:21

MrsTheodoreLogan · 15/03/2025 07:25

I do not know how anyone can live like this.

I agree.

TENSsion · 15/03/2025 09:22

This is really sad

JingsMahBucket · 15/03/2025 09:24

BathLegeron · 15/03/2025 07:42

For all the I buy toiletries out of my own money people. How does this work? Do you literally look at the receipt of the usual supermarket shop and transfer your "share" for the deodorant?

This reminded me of a book where the bloke does the food shop but asks his wife to transfer her half plus X to cover her tampons he had a buy.

I could not live with this penny pinching mentality to shopping. And yes I would consider moisturiser as a basic essential. I have an adult son living with us and I provide his basic toiletries which includes his moisturiser. It has SPF which to me is essential having had skin Basal Cell Carcinoma removed from my own face (not a sunbather, factor 50 on holiday, religiously because I am milk white) and puts me at higher risk of skin cancer.

@BathLegeron was that from The Joy Luck Club? I recently rewatched it on the plane a few months ago and it sounds like a specific scene in the film.

user5213768943 · 15/03/2025 09:24

I would also add, whatever traits men seem to have in their 20s/30s/40s will be magnified a hundred times by the time they are 50/60/70! Meanness is a very unattractive quality.

burnoutbabe · 15/03/2025 09:25

Isthismykarma · 15/03/2025 09:08

I think it’s fine to have an agreement that personal products such as deodorant toiletries etc are separate from the household budget generally speaking, but adding a £7 moisturiser into the trolley at Tesco one time isn’t a big deal. There should be a sensible degree of flexibility. He shouldn’t have even noticed because be checking the receipts anyway it’s weird. My ex and I bought things like that separately from the big shop but on occasion either of us might drop something into the trolley during the big shop, it’s really not a big deal.

But you need to check receipts occasionally as you need to check you are not overcharged or deals fail to go through.

if our normal aldi shop was £60 I’d be thinking gosh what did we buy that was so expensive.

he may trust her yet be curious why it was so much higher -then he finds she is going against their agreement and including personal stuff. Without mentioning it on return from the shops. That does look sneaky. (Based on them agreeing this system)

skippy67 · 15/03/2025 09:25

Another reason I'm glad me and DH don't have a joint account. Ridiculous!

PrincessofWells · 15/03/2025 09:27

MrsTheodoreLogan · 15/03/2025 07:25

I do not know how anyone can live like this.

First post nails it again . . .

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2025 09:28

@Cucywhere are you getting it from that face moisturiser and deodorant’s are a luxury for ‘the majority of households’ ?

Newname71 · 15/03/2025 09:29

user5213768943 · 15/03/2025 09:24

I would also add, whatever traits men seem to have in their 20s/30s/40s will be magnified a hundred times by the time they are 50/60/70! Meanness is a very unattractive quality.

Mine is 60 and tried the mean shit with me once…
I earn more so pay all the household bills, mortgage, water, council tax etc.(I had the house before we met and the bills have always come out of my account) He pays for food shopping and bits we need through the week.
i gave DS some money from DH’s account to go out with his mates for food.
Well he kicked off, so he was told in future we’d split the bills 50/50 and he’d be much worse off. Funny enough he hadn’t said a word since 😂
Edited to add.. he also once complained about the amount I spent on food shopping (his account) I always buy fruit,veg,meat etc to actually make meals. He doesn’t drive so I drove him to the supermarket and said go on then, you do the shopping. He spent more than me and bought a trolley full of shite so we had to spend more the next day buying proper food! Again, not a dicky bird since!

CautiousLurker01 · 15/03/2025 09:30

MrsTheodoreLogan · 15/03/2025 07:25

I do not know how anyone can live like this.

Agree - toiletries come out of family budget for us and the teens. Everyone is welcome to top up with favourite/treat items, but as far as we’re concerned it is an essential. What next OP? He does drink coffee and you do, so that shouldn’t come out of joint/family shop?

If he has always been like this I’d walk before you have kids as I see this could easily slip into financial abuse and coercive behaviours…