To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

Better than being with some of these blokes that regularly appear on here. The bar is very, very low.

Thank you. It was certainly a learning curve. The divorce taught me that some of the most wealthy people are also the most unlikely to part with their wealth, and will stop at nothing to defend / ringfence it. I had no idea, none at all, until financial proceedings. There was no honest financial transparency on his part throughout our marriage (or divorce, to be honest, but I really didn’t care - that wasn’t what I wanted anyway, it was a massive shock).

Me and the DC are safe, and we are happy, it’s been nearly 10 years since separation. I’ve got plenty of shampoo and deodorant, and pretty dresses, tops, trousers and shoes!

Low key coerciveness...

Are there any other issues around checking things op?

I'd be stamping this out, I'd never dream of checking receipts, nor would my partner.

How controlling of him. I feel for you.

And you should also look at your pension provision if you are PT. We topped mine up out of joint funds when I was briefly PT for kids.

What you’ve bought from joint money does not seem to be what you agreed. What you agreed is however batshit. He is incredibly mean and controlling.

It’s a horrible way to live. You’re either sharing a life together or you’re not

OMG! We don’t even have ‘personal spends’!!! Just buy what we need when we need it from the joint account. I’ve never had to justify a purchase in 25 years (and wouldn’t anyway). How can you live like this?! Presumably you contribute less financially as you’re doing a ton of unpaid childcare/wifework. Strike! He’ll soon see what he’s missing. Failing that, bin him off. Tight bastard.

We have similar (unmarried and no kids but 14 years in)

joint card -fine to throw in a cheap shower gel or toothpaste (we have different so I get 2)

but anything more individual we get at boots anyway on our own cards. Often I’ll pick him up sone skin care st boots and put on joint card as buying roughly same value for me.

or he’ll go to local shops for milk and also wine and pay himself as it’s wine for him.

but we always mention where we have bought something that is not a usual shared thing so no one ever feels like the other is trying to “sneak something in”.

. £19 on 2 toiletries does seem a lot to me (not on any budget just I pay £1.50 for deodorant so it seems more luxury than a basic one)

This 100%,

My thoughts exactly.

It sounds more like a house share than a partnership.

I like @HopingForTheBest25’s point. Are you being compensated for doing the shopping?

@Cucy
Did you miss the sentence where the op says she is parttime and does all the childcare?

I mean I do pay for my personal items out of my money but that's on me, my partner has never asked me to. I am pretty much in charge of finances so he wouldn't know what comes out of where.

This times a million

It must make life seem very long.

Exactly, these men get to do what they please, with high pensions, working the job they love, whilst woman stays at home and does all free childcare and keeps house.

At detriment to their own financial safety, relying on this man.

Who has issues with her buying deodorant on offer to save money long term.

Patriarchal society at its finest.

its worrying if you consider £60 to be a "Big shop"!

It's awful isn't it.
I'm away at the moment and dh has done a weekly shop purely for himself. I noticed on the banking app that it was over a £100 and assumed he had stocked up on essentials like detergent, loo rolls etc.
I certainly won't be asking him because he's an adult and he's sensible.

She bought it on offer to stock up longer term, so it's cheaper in the long run.

She didn't buy 1, but bought to be cheaper in long run.

This.
This is more flatmates behaviour than a couple

Exactly. That he would object to this would make him so repellent to me that it would be unliveable.

You’re not aligned in what basics, you literally say that in one of your responses. Moisturiser isn’t a necessity.

Me neither! I earn more than DH so I pay most of the household bills. He pays for the pet insurance and the food shopping. If I run out of money I just transfer from his account to mine. Likewise if he runs out I transfer from my account to his. We both leave our bank cards at home and know each others PIN numbers and his account is linked to my Apple Pay,

I was going to say exactly that.

OP your husband is controlling bordering on financially abusive. It’s ridiculous of him to quibble over these articles. How come he gets to have fancy toiletries because he brings home more money? You may not bring in as much money as him but you’re contributing to the household in different and equally valuable ways.

You’ve got kids. You’re supposed to be a partnership. I couldn’t live in any way other than where everything is shared. He sounds awful.

It's not really about the deodorant/ moisturiser is it? Unless you're on a super tight budget and need to count every penny, or saving for something, he's a tight git! That'd start to give me the ick!

You need to sit down and talk it through so you can agree what's fair for you both.

Basic toiletries for both of us I pick up with the food shop but I don't buy face moisturiser there and actually I pick DH up his original source shower gel at Tesco but I like the loccitane shower oil and wouldn't get that from our bills account, in the same way DH likes a particular bubble bar from lush and gets it himself. We have the same disposable income though and money isn't tight.