To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

DH and I don’t have a joint account, we just each pay different bills and we take turns to pay for joint things (meals, shops, flights, hotels, etc) and we don’t really keep track of any of it, nor care if one pays more, it’ll work itself out eventually - but we don’t have children and are currently ok, financially.

I’ve definitely been in a financial position where I would have resented someone paying a shared £19 on things for themselves when I was paying for the same things for myself out of my own pocket.

I had an ex in my early 20s that I had a joint account with, we were totally skint and he’d go to the fancy deli on the corner to buy milk…and would come back with £15 of artisan sweets that I wouldn’t even see. He gave me the absolute rage.

How can you live with this level of pettiness in marriage with kids! MN is an eye opener sometimes!

For us I think very basic toiletries comes under essentials and included in joint shopping money, but more expensive stuff (the shampoo I choose is nearer £10 say not £1 supermarket one that the family are happy with), dp beard oil, my moisturiser etc is paid for out of personal money and I’d be a bit pissed off if dp was constantly putting £19 of what is essentially personal use items through in the weekly shop if I wasn’t also doing the same. Equally we have equal spending money whereas it sounds like your disposal is a lot less than your husbands.

Woah! This is beyond appalling! Glad you divorced him!!

This is why two crucial things in my marriage are 1) a shared attitude to money and 2) a joint account.

The inconsistency is the issue here.

He’s putting in a lot more money than you and is buying personal products like deodorant out of his own money.

You are putting it a lot less money than him and then using the joint account for your own personal items.

You should either both use the joint account for personal items or both use your personal accounts for them.
You can’t be doing 2 different things as then it will of course create issues.

I personally think having these things come out of your personal account is much easier.
There will be purchases that are one of you think is too expensive/not worth it but if it’s your personal account then there can be no arguments.

My issue would be how he checked/spoke to me about it.
If I felt he was checking up on me then I would be very unhappy.
If he’s simply reminding you that personal products should be bought separately then I’d let it go.

I actually think your set up sounds very good and I think every married couple should do similar.

Where do women find these men and then go on to marry them? Someone who questions the purchase of deodorant (and anything really) will be shown the door the minute I get a whiff of this attitude. I see so many women being saddled with asshole husbands and one of the primary reasons is that women are not staying financially independent. Hell would freeze over before I give up my financial independence to be someone’s housekeeper.

You think it’s not entirely unreasonable that someone could be writing a serial number on every sheet of toilet paper, then photographing it to remember their place?

I wonder if it's because relationships are shorter these days, so may 8-10 years instead of 15-20 being the norm.

I suppose the shorter the relationship, the less you want to invest in it.

Yes, so important. I earn way less, and why? Because I provided childcare and worked part time. I also do more housework.

DH has never ever questioned anything I spend on in nearly 29 years.
OP, I would be tempted to bill him for childcare.

With his attitude, it's probably safer for you to keep your finances separate. I can't even imagine my DH bothering to look at a receipt let alone question some toiletries on the weekly shop! Just wow.

That sounds like a very reasonable arrangement. Unlike my ex, who insisted everything was split 50/50, even though I earned far less, and I used to borrow petrol money off my Dad …

I know. Unbelievable. Some people's priorities are all wrong.

Which one? I’m on the hunt for a new one

I thought I couldn’t be surprised much these days but this has surprised me. It’s really awful of your DH to have bothered to protest for inexpensive toiletry items.

I wonder if this is the surface of his financial problems (it’s not you, it’s him). Sorry OP, you deserve better.

But right at the start, you don’t know how long a relationship will last, and most people marry hoping it will last for life?

I completely agree the husband sounds like a twat sorry OP

This is a horrendous way to live. That’s not a life/love partner that’s a business partner.

In our marriage basic toiletries come out of the shopping budget. We both use the same deodorant and it's whatever is on offer. Our moisturiser is a basic one so that comes out of there too. If I wanted an expensive face cream I would pay out of personal spends. Any make up I buy is a personal spend. My husband buys beer out of personal spends because I don't drink. We trust each other to stick to what's agreed. Neither of us would ever go through receipts.

Jesus.... I'm sorry but I don't understand how some people live like this. Husbands checking receipts?! Mine looks as the total sometimes but never looks at itemised bill ! If he ever tried id be telling him to go and do shopping himself.
Of course when he earns more the split will never the equal! If he doesn't understand that then I think you've got a whole different problem here.
I'd understand if it was large purchase worth of £100s, but to begrudge small items it's crazy.

You should both have equal spending money as you are part time to look after the children. I bet you do most of the house stuff too?

We put everything into a shared account, and each have the same amount of spending money per month to do whatever we want with.

We would also both be fine with the other putting stuff like deodorant (and supermarket clothes etc) on the joint shop.

Based on this and what others have said on the thread...

I think you should have one account for housing costs and bills that gets paid into monthly and not touched for spending. That should surely mean he doesn't worry about money?

Then separately have the family fund for days out, kids shoes, activities, family things. It sounds like he's not particularly tight about these things so should be fine and you'd probably discuss bigger purchases from this one anyway.

Big shop you should have a budget and discuss any bigger purchases.

What were you earning before you had kids? I think he needs to contribute enough to reflect that you have also taken a pay cut to care for your children.

I agree with other posters that this is an odd way to live. However, if that's your choice, then, he is correct. Toiletries for everyone would come from the joint pot, those just for you would be from your personal spend (it's in the name!) If you have this sort of arrangement then to spend a third of the shop on personal stuff is not in the spirit of the agreement.

I work part time and do all childcare while he works away.

Hmmm, from what you've said on here, I think this could be a dangerous arrangement. When it comes to retirement time and he's got a lovely full pension and yours is crap-will he still be quibbling over deodorants (or meals on wheels prices!) then?!

I can see why a man who buys his own deodorant would be irked that you aren't doing the same and you've spend 1/3 of the shop on beauty stuff for you, BUT, I wouldn't be with a man like that in the first place and I certainly wouldn't go part time in my job to further his career-I think you're building up problems for the future.

We have one bank account where both our salaries all go in it. We have our own savings accounts/ISAs/cards to use if we want to, but everything is shared and has been since before we got married-no matter who has been out of work, on maternity leave/earning more-it's a completely shared pot.

Thank the Lord I'm single.