To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

I could not live like this. My money is his money and vice versa, we are married; a team, we work together not nick picking over a moisturiser

How is it "excessive"?

Sounds an awful and depressing way to live. Once kids are involved I really couldn't imagine not just sharing everything. For us everything has always just been in one account and we have never had so much as a cross word about money. I acknowledge this might not work in some circumstances eg previous kids, gambling addiction etc.

However £19 on moisturiser and deodorant is quite a lot of money if you've agreed not to share.

I know people live like this in a marriage with kids but it seems needlessly complicated to me. One joint account, all monies paid into that, then each have a personal spend account with the same amount of money in it each month to do what you like with. You’re married, it’s all everyone’s money anyway!

I manage our finances despite my husband earning slightly more. I also do the weekly shop and buy what I notice we all need using the joint account. DH had never once asked to see a receipt.

Honestly I get everyone saying “how do you live like this!!!” But I think it depends on the circumstances right. We have a groceries budget per week and if £20 came out of it as a misc expense we wouldn’t have enough grocery money for the week!

We have a story in the family where my aunts new mil was asked by her husband a justify a receipt for tights. My aunt on hearing this story was horrified and related the tale to my grandmother and her sisters (my mum being her sister). Everyone was horrified at such meanness and having to live like that. And just to add this was the 1970s and my family hadn't a pot to piss in but no one could get over how mean and miserly this was. This post sadly reminds me of that story.

The first response nailed it.

What a sad, petty, mean way to live - and he has imposed it on you, OP.

I'm trying to imagine a relationship in which my dh checked over the receipt (!!) for a shop I had done and then demanded money back for basic toiletries. I wouldn't want to be in that relationship. I can't imagine that anyone would.

Jesus Christ. How do you live like this? I cannot imagine in any dimension my DH querying me putting deodorant on to a shop unless I literally spent all our money on deodorant and left us destitute

Are you working part-time around his away job and paying the same? Seems incredibly unfair to start with.

A friend of mine had similar and insisted it changed when they fought over whether a birthday card should be split on the weekly shop..

Keep in mind also that in working pt instead of ft you will be accruing less pension, might be compromising career progression or working in a lower paid role to be around for the dc - it's not only the money you DIRECTLY lose from working fewer hours that you need to factor into your considerations. What's he losing out on financially as a result of having children. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say not much.

OP said she stocked up on the deodorant because it was on offer, hence the total cost. Not unreasonable, in fact a normal thing to do with supermarket staple that is in offer from time to time.

ExH would monitor shopping receipts and demand answers for “luxury” items (shampoo / conditioner, deodorant - all bog standard, not expensive items) remove items destined for the tip / charity shop from my car if I had done a clear out, pick his own clothes out the laundry basket and wash only them (household of 4), tell me my “household management system was inefficient” if the washing up / laundry wasn’t done in a timely manner. I would have to ask for permission to buy big ticket items (clothes or shoes - rarely, and never expensive as he wouldn’t allow it). I would pay for things and get small amounts of cash back, so I was able to have some money to call my own…. Yeah we aren’t married anymore.

The checking of the receipt is too much OP. It’s really controlling. What did he expect you to do? Put all the grocery shopping through and pay for it from the joint account, and then put your deodorant and moisturiser through and pay for that from your own account?

I have been with my husband for more than 35 years. From the get go, we shared finances completely. I have no idea how much he spends on deodorant.
Like many people we've had severe illnesses, miscarriages, road accidents, redundancies, you name it - that's life.
Bigger picture: don't worry about trivia. Tell him to back down.

It wasn’t that long ago that a working man would happily support his wife and children. How has it all gone so badly wrong?

Your setup is unfair: you should put your salaries in one pot and decide how much you should have for personal spending (the same amount) , the rest is for joint account. If this would have been your setup he could argue your moisturizer should be paid for by your personal account. It's not a basic need like deodorant or tampons (never used one myself, just plain water). But regardless, if you're not living hand to mouth he seems extremely tight to even mention it. I'm embarrassed for him.

I think your problem is so much bigger than whether a deodorant is classed a personal item or not.

Oh my god, that's just awful.

Our 'spending' is charged to the same credit card which is paid off when it is due.......sometimes from my bank account and sometimes from my OH bank account.
Any extras are paid for in the same way. OH knows my moisturiser is expensive but he doesn't care which of us pays for it although I mostly pay for it myself. Deodorant is purchased with the weekly shop.

I'm guessing, He eats more in volume, is this fair ??
Come on,
Tell him, to get on board with the "family" concept

I also couldn’t live like this - surely you are a partnership so it’s all the same money? It seems more like a house share with kids than a marriage to have such separate finances that your quibbling about a few cosmetics.

DH and I have separate accounts but we have an either of us pays for anything approach, no tracking, monitoring or “paying back”.

If DH started reviewing receipts I’d be horrified - anything that is bought at the supermarket comes out of family money in my view.

This. I don't believe in separate pots and personal spends.. We have a joint pot. I spend way more than DH because I am a woman. Bollocks I would put up with being held to account over that.

To Me going through the receipts is controlling behaviour
And in a marriage it should not matter who makes the most money
My DH earn the same now but over the years there have been times I have earned more, times he has earned more times we have been skint, times we have been flush
But money has always been shared

My DH still does. With an autistic child he'd have to switch jobs if he would have wanted me to work as well. He loves his job and I'm happy being a sahm. Win-win.

Going through receipts is definitely controlling. Unless for a huge sum of money.