To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

combine your pots in their entirety and then give you each an agreed monthly allowance to fritter, so you both have the same

This is the fairest approach, imo, and is the only one I've agreed to in any relationship. You might negotiate an uneven split if one of you has more to buy every month, but the principle must be that you're on level footing with regards to personal money.

It's unacceptable that your husband keeps much more for himself, which you've made possible by performing unpaid domestic services, and has the nerve to complain about your £7 moisturiser! What was his share of that, about £5? What a Scrooge 😡

I don't understand how people live like this. Surely if you're married and have children you're a partnership and your money is shared. This is so transactional, I don't even do this with friends.

Deodorant is a basic toiletry, but face cream/ moisturiser isn’t a necessity, lots of people including me and your DH, don’t use it. I’d say it falls into the same category of make up. Do you buy make up from the joint account? If your set up is that personal items come out of individual accounts then there does need to be some agreement around what constitutes a household purchase and what constitutes a personal item. If you’re the only one in the house using face moisturiser, and his own deodorant comes out of his personal account, it’s hard to see why you think your toiletries are joint expenses but his are individual ones.

He's a penny picking miser.

Who checks receipts?

You shouldn't be reduced to worrying that you can only buy a cheap moisturiser!

Awful way to live.

holidays he will often put in more (on top of what we pay out of joint money),

And apart from the shopping debacle you sound grateful that he puts in more BUT he earns more and you are a family - I agree with the other posters about tightness being a mean trait

This. Why bother getting married if you’re going to spend the rest of your life griping ove4 who pays for a fucking deodorant.

If you're both being that pedantic over deodorant I'm surprised you don't break your bill down into how many slices of bread you each eat and split that cost out or how many grapes you eat each.

This!

No, I don't expect him do. You haven't read all my posts, where I have said I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he got his out of joint money. I guess he chose to order it himself because it was from an expensive independent shop, but even so I wouldn't begrudge him deodorant out of joint money as I don't see it as a "personal item". He seems to think it is. I think it's a basic and is included in big shop the same as shampoo, soap etc!

I bring in much, much less than DH, I pay into the joint account even less in proportionate terms, as DH knows and understands that my contribution to the household is far more than my income. He would not begrudge me buying items in the weekly shop that he will not use/consume.

I do remember my ex once telling me he shouldn’t have to pay for my coffee in the weekly shop cos he doesn’t drink it. He was / is a prize bell end who wanted me to lay my full maternity pay into the joint account and just ask him if I needed money (you can imagine how that would have gone…

I lost count the amount of times he would challenge me that we only just bought food (yes a week ago) and did the children really need new shoes.

I was actually financially better of after leaving him!

This might help.

First post nails it.

Would you class deodorant and moisturiser as personal spend though? I genuinely never have because I see this as a basic life necessity, toiletries have usually always come out the big shop.
No i wouldn't class it as a personal spend.
Both of us do the 'big shop'. It's just who ever is available when we are running out of stuff.
Dh will go through the cleaning products to see if we need dishwasher tablets washing up liquid etc, then go through the toiletries to see what we are running low on. He asks if I need anything. I normally meal plan so give him a list of items and he chooses any extras. I do the same if I'm doing the shop.
I'll ask him to get me moisturiser, sunscreen handcream etc and he doesn't bat an eye.
It's funny because I've watched my son do the same process at his house with his girlfriend. Son even asked if I needed anything while he is at the big Sainsbury's.
I'm not sure if I could live with your DHs attitude.

How petty it's clear he does not value you. Not sure I could live like that.

if this is not normal for him, perhaps there are wider money concerns he’s not sharing with you?

Do you feel better now? Some of the things that come through MN, it’s not entirely unreasonable that this could actually be happening in someone’s house.

DH and I have a similar setup and I buy all our run of the mill deodorant and other personal products in the supermarket shop. However any high ticket items come out of our personal accounts, like my Clinique stuff.
I do see where he’s coming from with this one tho, nearly £20 on personal products in a £60 shop is quite excessive.

What a horrid financial set-up.

I must be getting old, some of the relationships on Mumsnet sounds complicated 😞

I haven't read the whole thread but if you are working part time to facilitate childcare then you shouldn't be getting less personal spending money than your husband. Since you are organising your family finances as if you and your h were flatmates, he needs to be compensating you for covering his share of the childcare. As it stands, he is benefitting financially from your unpaid labour and then bitching because you spent £7 on moisturiser! Ffs, put a stop to this shit and make him pay his way!
Even though he's paying more into the joint account for bills because he's the higher earner, this is still much cheaper for him than if he was a single dad meeting the costs of housing his dc. The childcare cost is a separate issue and if you both feel the children are better at home being cared for part time by you, instead of a paid childcare setting, then you need to not be financially disadvantaged by that. Especially if he travels away for work and you are covering time where childcare would be very expensive, if it was even available at all! That's fine in households ejere money is totally shared, but not fine if he's keeping a big wedge and you are having to account for bloody deodorant!

How do u both have the capacity to even care about this

Expensive face moisturiser that only I use, I would count as a personal expense. Something that can and is used by the whole family, like a tub of E45 or Aveeno, is a family expense. Normal supermarket deoderant should also count as part of the normal family shopping expense.

But as others have mentioned, I'm not sure the current set up you both have with money has been well thought through. Fair enough for both of you to agree a family budget, but if your DH earns significantly more than you, what you spend on 'family' things should be split proportionately according to salary.

She's not saying that at all

Nor me. It's a marriage. I can't stand petty behaviour.