To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

well, there's the solution - you earn less, yes, but that's becuase you work part time and do all the childcare. So either start working full time and he will have to do more childcare or suggest to him that you start invoicing him half of whatever childcare would cost.

I appreciate this is a facetious suggestion. But I'm so so tired of seeing men on here who are whinging because they "earn all the money" while their wife is running around doing all the childcare and household tasks.

I am increasingly of the opinion that the chapters on the value of unpaid labour from Invisible Woman should be required reading in Life and WellBeing or PSHE or whatever they call it in high school.

Well said @Sunat45degrees

I think if Tesco /Sainsburys sells it its fair game really.I buy shampoo /cond /deod and include it .However use my personal account for Neals yard bath oil .Unless you are on a very tight budget I would say YANBU

But he isn't expecting her to pay 50/50, they do it proportionately so if she worked more and earned more she'd be paying more. How does that help her?

Enlighten us please ! I'm curious😄

Yep!!

This is what the real world is like outside of mumsnet.

Thank your lucky stars that you are privileged enough to not bat an eyelid at spending £20 outside of the normal food shop.

My wife does that too, of course. Everybody does.

But I occasionally use more than my allocation then top up with water and shake. Ha!

We pay for essentials like deodorant, shampoo and soap from the joint account as part of weekly food shop. A cheap moisturiser, cleanser etc would come out of that too.
Anything more expensive like makeup and my usual Clinique moisturiser I pay for myself. I will occasionally throw in a cheap mascara in the supermarket shop though.

She'd still have more disposable income. Because when paying proportionally, there's still a disconnect between personal incomes. Which is why, while I apperciate the point of proportaional payment, I don't think it's appropriate once a couple get married and x1000 for any couple with children.

You're the one out doing the shopping right?

Considering she said that he regularly keeps an eye on the bank account and that he checked the receipt because it was higher than normal, suggests that they’re not the type of family that money is no object.

There are many posters on here suggesting that they buy whatever they want or just chuck things in the trolley and pay for them using the joint account.

That is absolutely no representative of the majority of the country or OP.

OPs household doesn’t seem skint but they sound like they need to budget and also aren’t able to just buy whatever they want and so posters telling her that it’s unreasonable that she can’t buy whatever products she wants aren’t actually helping because she obviously can’t do that.

The problem is he sees it as his money not your money.

to put it into context, I gave up my career to be a sahm (which I am aware is a huge privilege) but Dh pays for pretty much everything. Now I do have an income from a rental property however DH pays all my travel when I go out, my lunches and snacks with the kids, activities, food shops, food top ups, all the house and car costs and my phone bill. I literally only pay for extras that I want. He does this because he values what I bring to the family (being a sahm and I do most of the house related tasks).

everyone’s income is different so it isn’t necessary for a husband to cover everything, however it shows a lack of value for what you do. Being a sahm is a really important role

Bloke here.

This will probably be an unpopular position, but I think if a man’s family is left with only fifty quid to spend each month he should have considered investing some money earlier.

In condoms.

I’m new here. Reading of the spectacularly irresponsible and absurd way some people live has been a revelation to me. And the way some blokes appear to carry on makes me ashamed for my sex.

@Cucy the OP has said they don’t have to worry about money, talks about family meals out, holidays, DH buying expensive deodorant, so doesn’t sound as if they are at the stage they need to be carefully looking at their spend and going through receipts

I don't think £6 is really expensive to be honest. Many are often between £10-£20.

I understand where you’re coming from but circumstances change and some people need to tighten their belts sometimes.

They could have both had high income careers but then OP may have chosen to reduce to PT and they’re now keeping track of expenses to make it work and ensure they still get to enjoy holidays etc.

I feel like you didn’t really stick to the agreement (that you each pay for the toiletries out of your own money). If that’s not what you’re doing any more then you should have told him.

Yep. By this time all the good in this relationship is long in the rear view mirror OP.

Marriage means it's all joint.

Maybe stop using deo. Use half a cut onion under each pit. See how he likes them...err, well, not apples anyway.

He's being a prick by the way.

Honestly, life is too short for these type of disagreements. I’ve been married for nearly 40 years. We still don’t use a joint account. If I want high end skincare, make up, expensive haircuts, clothes, theatre tickets, museum season tickets, then I buy them. Likewise if DH wants two hobby vehicles, expensive wine, holidays with the guys, then he pays for them. If your earnings are impacted by looking after children, then you need to discuss how to make up the difference - I have overpaid into my pension to make up for my earlier part time years and our financial split reflects that.

But she also said that he does check the bank account regularly and checked the receipt because it was higher.

Multiple posters have also said they too check the receipt if it’s higher than expected.

Even with a higher than average income, people still need to budget, especially if they want holidays or meals out.

That’s why they’ve decided to keep a separate account each, so they can spend without needing a discussion about it.

I think the set up is a really good idea and I don’t think having a discussion about money and spending is a bad thing.

God. He’s insanely tight. How revolting.

@cucy he could be checking the bank account because he is a control freak. DH checks our bank account but would only ask a question if he sees a name he doesn’t recognise and wants to make sure it isn’t something dodgy. Would never go through receipts and question my shopping

Thank you for your measured response.

But I suggest that if - in your hypothetical scenario - seven quid significantly affects the affordability of a holiday, then it may be better to give that holiday a miss. For at least two reasons. 😀

Work out your finances...

Joint account 1) Bills, Mortgage, and other boring stuff

Joint account 2) Food shopping, family fun stuff, DD clothes, activities etc.

Savings accounts) joint savings, long term, short term etc

Personal accounts) splash cash

Worked out so we each have the same amount of splash cash each month.

If you want a £30 moisturiser it comes from splash cash, basic everyday toiletries come from joint account 2.

I earn more than DH, I put more in.

M wife and I have a joint "shopping" account that we use for most things like food, nappies, milk, house bits and essential hygiene products. This would include supermarket deo and face creams/washes etc. The only time we feel the need to use our own personal spends for such items is if, for example, my Mrs aftershave runs out, she will use her own money as its £40.