To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

I've been married 40 years and DH has never checked a shop receipt in all those years nor questioned any of my purchases. Hence the longevity 😁

Me either.

Me and DH have been pooling our money together since we were teenagers and would never deny each other essentials or a treat. It’s a relationship not a business arrangement.

It was a third of that particular shop and OP hasn’t bought moisturiser for ages if she’s been using the kids’ body lotion. OP has posted that they’re not on the breadline and DH doesn’t need to pick over the receipts like this.

Yeah.

My then girlfriend (now wife) once bought some kind of face serum (no doubt mined by elves from the crystal caves) that cost two hundred quid.

But then I have only Festool kit in my workshop. It it makes me more attractive to women.😀

@Cucy
mumsnet IS the real world. We are all people who live in the real world. Everyone is allowed to comment from all walks of life. You are talking as if what is presumably your experience and that of your own friendship circle, family circle applies to everyone. It doesn’t. Not being able to afford deodorant or adult face moisturiser doesn’t apply to me or anyone I know. I am able to realise it does to some. But not everyone. At no point has the op suggested her own family can’t afford this.

This. To be married and quibbling over deodorant. What a miserable existence.

You need to watch the movie 'The Joy Luck Club' or read the book OP

You’re right. Had the OP chucked a can of coke into the trolley, then necked the lot before getting home, avoiding this partnership’s usual division of the can using a calibrated laboratory measuring cylinder, that would have been unreasonable.

I did actually miss that. But I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference? It was a top up shop that cost more than usual because she added personal items (which her OH buys out of his own money).
I do think it's the set up that needs to change rather than that she was unreasonable, but I don't think that he was unreasonable to look at the receipt in those circumstances.

I live with my partner, not married, no kids. We keep our money separate but have a joint account for bills and food shopping. If I pick up beauty products or a nail polish I’ll always transfer the cost into the joint account but my partner would never even think about it, let alone question it.

Ridiculous. Plus £7 really isn't that expensive for moisturiser these days. I went to Tesco the other day and the Simple face wash/face scrub I use have gone up to £6 (I remember it being around £3.50 a couple of years ago and it was certainly cheaper than that when I bought it last year.) I ended up buying some of the Tesco own brand stuff. (Sainsbury's used to do a nice own brand range for oily skin but that's been discontinued, ditto the stuff from Boots I was using, which is why I went back to Simple last year.)

It would be nice if companies remembered that older people have oily skin. I don't want to use the equivalent of paint stripper on my face, I also don't want to spend stupid money on skincare. And when I do find nice cheapish stuff I'd like it not to be discontinued every five seconds!

Actually remember my ex husband having a go at me for buying a deodorant years ago. Nob. I had to ask permission to buy anything (which I ignored, much to his chagrin.) He was unemployed at the time and doing sweet fuck all except being a dick.

Money is a sticky subject and what suits one doesn't suit another. I've seen posts where you "must" have joint accounts and not having one is the end of a relationship. Well it is our 40th wedding anniversary this year and we don't have a joint account. Once upon a time, probably before some on here were born, we split our expenses so I pay council tax and he pays gas and electric, I buy food he gives me a set sum. The amounts have changed over the years due to inflation and changes in personal circumstances but to me I'm not willing to have him supervising my spending and he's the same.

I doubt my husband could give you a reasonable guess at how much my income is, SRP and occupational pension, I've probably got a reasonable idea of his but I might be wrong. That's worked for us for 40 years but I know some will be horrified. I'm definitely not going to be answerable to anyone about the price of moisturiser or deodorant.

Every couple has to figure out what works for them.

This!

@sparkellieit makes a difference to the posts that are implying that this was a third of their total weekly food shop. The op has not posted what they normally spend in total on all the food shops in a week.

I sometimes use Lidl stuff which seems OK for me. Then sometimes I go mad and buy something expensive. I've got the itch for treating myself to something expensive at the moment. It balances out.

wow - we don’t have joint accounts, just separate ones but all money is our money! Doesn’t matter who earns what it’s all joint money just in different accounts.

Yep, same here.

It can be a basic life necessity AND a personal spend. Because it’s for you. Not him. Not the kids. It’s a basic necessity yes, but it’s also your personal spends.

That aside, I agree with the majority of posters who are stunned by this level of pettiness from your husband in what is supposed to be a partnership. I can’t believe he made a fuss of it.

I'd rather die single and broke than argue with a man over a £7 moisturiser.

Unless this completely throws the finances out of whack, it's a non-conversation ☹️.

Just plain Olay- what I use- costs £7 these days. It's gone up.

I understand that, my point was that the large hike in the shop which was unexpected was why he checked the receipt. Not because he does so on a regular basis to try and control what she is spending money on.

OP has said they have discussed it reasonably and the post was light-hearted so I'm sure it is not about him being abusive or controlling as some people have implied. She also said that he does worry about money (though it seems this may be unnecessarily).

If my DH did this I would assume he had had a knock on the head or was about to lose his job and hadn’t told me.

what a way to live. I’d offer to go without deoderant until he was begging me to buy some 😂

or to return to full time work and let him pay half the child care fees, along with half the pick ups and time off for illness, and do half of all the household chores.
Has he always been this controlling?

What? Not even the Lamborghini?

But I suppose you let him drive it too. On his birthdays. 😀

I would refuse to give him any more receipts..

I use the bathroom, he uses the ensuite. No confusion on who uses what, no need for colour coding. The issue is when GS is home from uni, I think he eats toilet roll, I can't imagine where it is all going if he isn't eating it. If it was all going down the loo I think the towns sewers would be blocked.

Awful behaviour overall on behalf of thought DH - controlling you by going through the Tesco receipt!
He could not be at higher earner if you did not do the childcare for free.
He probably owes you money for all the childcare. I could not live like this.