Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

The OP is obviously not to blame for the abuse that she and her son experienced at the hands of his father.

But so much of what the OP is describing sounds like a trauma response. And of course her son seems to have had a string of trauma since early childhood. Abuse by his father. Growing up realising he was bisexual in a deeply biphobic household and community. Being yelled at and shamed when coming out. Being subjected to conversion therapy.

TBH the best outcome here would be if he does not go home to OP. She still shows zero sign of understanding of the factors that likely led her son to where he is today.

@PlanetJanette don't be so harsh.

Traumatic experiences are significantly higher in certain populations. So being Autistic for one, ( he very well may be; gender confusion is disproportionately represented in this group).

Let's say he does have conduct disorder, certain temperaments and genetics can pre dispose to this developing under the right environment stressors. That's not on his mum here. She's in a shit show of a situation herself.

This is not a simple trauma response situation imo. OP is uncomfortable about other things going on here. To put all this on OP is not right.

And I have a real problem with religion, I'm a devout atheist. I feel deeply for kids who are confused about their sexuality and are subjected to some religious zealot no doubt trying to religion it out of them.

However, there's so much going on here beyond what mum has ' done'.

Explain OP’s disapproval of medication even after a section 136, her child self harming, diagnosed with OCD and living in supported accommodation (which SS don’t offer and organise lightly). Not just that , but telling her son he can take it if he wants, but she doesn’t agree with it, thus putting all the responsibility on him(a 16 yo with mental health issues) AND making her disapproval clear.

Here’s the thing, until OP realises and accepts what she did wrong , as wrong, and she takes responsibility for her actions nothing will change. Because she will never be the mother this kid needs to get better. You patting her on the head isn’t helping anyone, just reinforcing her conviction that the child is the problem and she did nothing wrong.

Its very easy for parents who have damaged their children to 'strongly suspect' all manner of disorders. Whereas the bald facts may be attachment issues and anger due to mistreatment.

Yes you may be right. Conduct disorder is sometimes a combination of environmental factors so that certainly plays a part. With the other information, I doubt this is a sealed damnation of OP.

If posters genuinely were concerned about OP and the boy, they wouldn't be ripping her a new arsehole on here.

I’m not sure what ‘gender confusion’ has to do with this.

Also, the traumatic experiences I described are not inherently more prevalent in autistic people. This kid being abused first by his father, then by his mother, and by his extended family and community along the way have absolutely nothing to do with him being autistic or not.

I'm an abuse victim yet I've provided for and have raised him by myself. We are firmly middle class. He had all needs and most of his wants met. It took a while to realise but I didn't deserve the abuse from my ex husband so I won't sit here and accept being told that another male deserves to abuse me. Yes i regret my words and laying hands when he confessed. Yes even though not everyone has to agree with him I try not to speak to the family members who demean him and the ones who don't tolerate him at least.. including my brother who striked him. I have apologised and explained this to him and he still doesn't think it's enough. He doesn't think severing contact with my own family and community is enough for him. He's almost a man very soon, I don't want him to be the type of man who abuses his future wife if / when he gets married to a woman

I've heard that gender issues and autism are linked so sexuality confusion and autism could also be connected.. I'll look after that.

I strongly suspect conduct disorder as he's displayed those signs since 13. Every professional has dismissed me because they don't take my view seriously. No one listens to my input on my own child who I've observed and raised his entire life.

Oh FFS! You're now admitting you hit him when he told you he was bisexual. Which your daughter witnessed and told the school about. Social services got involved. But this is what you said earlier:
It caused a huge misunderstanding between us and SS. If I'm remembering correctly teenagers with conduct disorders are good manipulators and my daughter has learned to tolerate his comments and feel sorry for him

You're still blaming him!! This whole situation is incredibly fucked up, but you are taking no responsibility for your own actions. You seem to think a seemingly-meaningless apology from you for all you've put him through is enough, but he has to jump through hoops and earn time with you. Thats not enough, and it won't be. You need to actually demonstrate that you regret your actions.

A tv programme is not going to fix this enormous mess. The poor kid.

You are kidding yourself if you think your son has everything he needs and mostly everything he wants - he doesn't have any sense of acceptance of who he is or belonging within his family and community, nor does he currently have a loving home, and his home prior to being moved out wasn't a safe place for him to be. Nor does he have time with his Mother and Sister which isn't being used as an attempt to bribe him.

Nobody should be abused by anybody - yet you accept you have abused him physically and it's clear you've also abused him emotionally - just saying sorry will never resolve that abuse, which he will be thinking he deserves, just as you thought for a long time you deserved abuse from your husband.

Until you, and he, can address those fundamental issues, and start to face up to the damage you have caused him - there will be no way to to find a way forward. Can you face those hard truths about you and him instead of looking for other people or claimed diagnosis to blame.

Laid hands on him? You mean , you hit him right?

And now you’re wondering why he hates you (not all women and misogyny from what you said) and abused you back?

Btw, he’s not “another” man, he’s your bloody son! Be his mother! Or if you can’t, at least leave him alone to at least try and recover and heal without your toxic influence.

Both @atmywitsend1989 and her brother need charged with assault - a hate crime - not any advice. Two adults assaulted a child for his sexuality in the UK. Criminals.

The abusive father was most likely the start of this boys misogyny. Not that the mother hasn't made mistakes, but her leaving the abusive father was probably the best thing she did.

And then she and her family ended up assaulting her 12 yo son for being bisexual. That of course has nothing to do with his misogyny (if it even exists).

I regret my past words and actions but I posted here to see if any parent had watched this show with their sons too and then in hopes that other parents would understand what it feels like to have a child who uses abusive derogatory language about women and in general seems to have fallen into that hateful mindset, to the point where he has told me that he "hates women" and doesn't want an "old female therapist." He has been referred to prevent. He first hit me as a 14 / 15 year old adolescent boy. He wouldn't have done that if I weren't a woman and if I were my exhusband. He initially showed remorse but continues with his extreme remarks about women and our background. He has physically assaulted an officer during his section. I'm not just concerned about me I don't feel that my daughter would be safe if he comes home longterm

Why do you say it has nothing to do with it? If you're implying that is what my post says you have read it wrong.

Explain to me exactly why would he think hitting is wrong when you hit him first? When your brother hit him?

When two grown ass adults hit a weaker person, a child.

Why did he deserve it , but you don’t?

Thank you and I agree. I don't regret leaving my exhusband and it was both the most emotionally hard and best choice I've ever made. And I also think that he could be the main reason that son (who insists that he dislikes his dad but also acts similarly) is sucked into this mindset that a lot of other young men seem to be into. Someone in this thread mentioned that young children and babies can still be affected and remember absent abusive fathers

Also, do you really not see the irony in you complaining about his mysoginy while deploring him rejecting a background/religion that is extremely homophobic and mysoginistic itself?

Apparently OP read it in the same way. It’s all his father’s fault according to her and he’s copying his father’s behaviour. 🙄

So you have physically assaulted him, your brother has physically assaulted him, your ex-husband was abusive, and you're surprised that your son has been violent? I'm not excusing violence, but there are reasons that it happens. The abuse that this poor boy has experienced makes it sadly more likely that he too would become violent. It's the cycle of abuse.

If every professional has dismissed the idea that your son has conduct disorder, that ought to tell you something. But you are determined to paint yourself as a victim and your son as the one in the wrong. This boy has been traumatised and it seems as though only his sister is standing up for him. Now you want to keep them separate under the pretence that you are protecting her? When you freely admit he has never hurt his sister?

Take responsibility for your actions and words. I feel so sorry for your son.

You HIT him when he told you your sexuality ?

God you are even more disgusting than I originally thought. And still homophobic.

”He confessed” No he didn’t. He didn’t commit a crime.

He came out at 12 to you was abused verbally and physically by you and your brother and was rejected by his religious family and then his behaviour changed at 13 and you don't see the link now between his change in behaviour or his hatred for your religion? Or the relevance of him now being physical towards you when you done it to him first.

I think it's absolutely shocking as a victim of domestic violence you then lifted your hands to your twelve year old child and have verbally abused him on numerous occasions, by your own admittance, due to his sexuality. I think you could be doing with some councelling and parenting classes yourself. Poor kid.

And also maybe the reason he's not shown any physical or verbal abuse towards his sister is because she's the only person who has supported him and shown him love regardless of his sexuality and never rejected him.

So he ‘confessed’ (😫) his sexuality and you verbally abused and physically assaulted him? And your brother also hit him? Then you cried him to go to religious counselling?

And you don’t think any part of this is your fault? Jesus fucking Christ.

He didn't fucking confess. Being bi isn't something you confess to. You know what is something you confess to though, fucking hitting your child when they confide in you. That is vile, adusive behaviour. You don't want him abusing future partners but it was fine for you to hit him for being bi?
I'm so relieved for your son he is away from you and your abuse. Whatever is going on with him he is so much better away from your kind of 'parenting'.