Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

Why are you still ignoring all of the comments about you hitting your son when he came out to you? You don't think that might be a far obvious reason for him to behave violently? That his dad was abusive and when he felt safe confiding in you about his sexuality, you and your brother were abusive to him.
You all taught him to behave like this. If he grew up seeing literally all of the adults in his life unable to control their emotions and resort to violence, the poor kid was obviously pretty likely to follow suit.

Look, I don't think hunting for a 'diagnosis' is going to get you anywhere. An exclusion for diagnosis of conduct disorder is 'The behaviour is not better accounted for by relational problems between the individual and a particular authority figure.'
Clearly he has experienced a fair amount of trauma and until you recognise that his life has not been 'cushy' at all I don't think you're going to be able to help him.

By cushy I mean that he had and has a life much better than his peers in many ways. He grew up in a nice house, I paid off my morgage by myself. He was gifted a lot of money on birthdays and on eid from family- in fact I'd say he felt entitled to it. He has his own consoles, not brought from jobs he's worked (he's worked 0..). I don't expect him to be grateful for food and shelter and basic needs but he isn't grateful about any other extras and wants.. I grew up with hoarder parents myself and we never had enough money. He's never had to worry about money himself, the closest concern he's had is when his mental health has made him overthink and worry that he'll be on the streets 🤦‍♀️ This was since he was about 12, before he was placed in the paid apartment he's in, and not founded in real life or reality at all. He knows no one will allow him to go without.

He's never had to worry about money himself, the closest concern he's had is when his mental health has made him overthink and worry that he'll be on the streets 🤦‍♀️

I'm honestly not sure if you're just dumb or pretending. It's not overthinking to worry about being put out on the streets by a mother who literally beat and shouted at you when you came out about your sexuality. And not worrying about money does not, at all, mean having an easy and cushy life.

after his 16th birthday he had been going out by himself since those first few months. I allowed him go out to get shopping at the tescos 5 mins away and I thought I was doing the right thing by allowing that.

So he wasn't allowed out by himself until he was 16 and then only to go to Tescos ! As you say he's almost an adult, he should have been allowed a lot more freedom before this.

The problems seem to have started around 12 / 13 years old, probably when he realised he was attracted to males, whilst also being aware that this wouldn't be accepted in his family and community. This was confirmed by your violent reaction when he came out to you.

Would you welcome him for dinner if he brought a boyfriend ?

You keep saying he's not disabled and doesn't need carers but the thresholds are high for social services and CAHMS. Mental ill health is completely disabling.

OP has told SSD he cant come home. He may not even want to go home and live there as such, who knows

That requires the LA to accommodate him. They will have searched for a varying range of placements and perhaps due to the reports from mum about how violent and uncontrollable he is (or perhaps this is true outside of the home too), the only arrangement they can source is the one she outlines.

Its not always an indicator of need, lots of children in the care system are in placements which they dont really need because foster care is so thin on the ground and wont take young people like this young man. Even residential servicves wont take them because they cant match them to the other children in the home.

There are lots of children who need to be at home with their parents but their parents wont agree that or wont work to improve the problems at home, like in this case. Its not uncommon.

This. They wouldn't spend the enormous amounts of money that this costs if it were for no reason.

By cushy I mean that he had and has a life much better than his peers in many ways

Buy in other ways he didn't. You beat him. His relatives beat him. You sent him to conversion therapy when he came out because you believe his life is a sin. You come back to this thread every so often, but you completely ignore the fact that your son is a victim here and that you are responsible for that

Have you learnt anything from this thread?

Less than 25% of 16 year olds have a job.

I'd estimate that 99.9% of 15-16 year olds are allowed to go to Tesco on their own - the other 0.1% have abusive parents (funnily enough there is no data on independent mobility for this age group).

He should be focusing on his education and his future, but he can't because you've made his life extremely difficult.

If my abusive mum started crying to me on the phone, I'd either not react or hang up. He's not the narcissistic one here. Parents who hit their children don't love them.

I hope he is getting the care he needs, and that he'll soon feel settled in his new home. I also hope your son and daughter realise she can move in with him the moment he turns 18.

You’re completely deluded

I think I need to step away from this thread. It's so horrible seeing an abuser defending their behaviour like this. It's the 'but we took you to stately homes ' thread in real time.
He didn't have a better life than his peers because he grew up in an abusive household, where he was hit as a pre teen because of his sexuality. He shouldn't ever have had to worry about money, because he was a child. His MH made him worry he'd be homeless? Well he wasn't wrong was he, he is homeless. Neither of his parents are housing him, the state is, at the age of 16.
You are an awful, awful parent. No amount of games consoles or birthday money can ever take away from the abuse, including the homophobic physical abuse, your child experienced in your home, at your hands.

OP title of this “bribe my son” to watch a Netflix, fiction program which she thinks is real and will somehow magically show son “what can happen” if you dislike women and are violent angry. Bribe to watch TV not a solution.

Fact OP watched this, and thinks to bribe is so telling.

This Netflix is so full of stereotypes and so spoon-feeding the viewer telling viewer what to think. It’s a good entertainment - but a crap depiction of real life in UK.

Stereotypes:
1.The police team - the man with family issues & the salt of earth breaking the mold female partner. Of course there is black/white too.
2.The ND child … who just needs love.
3.Jamies mum and dad- so perfect good working class folks. Tidy perfectly clean house, strong marriage (because anything less would distract viewer from Jamie’s real issue. which is dad at that football match and not supporting his academic & creative talents)
4.the terrible sink-hole secondary. School looks lovely but kids all out of control.
5.the pathetic school staff… no one is a decent teacher. All just “overwhelmed” and given up, even the new teacher
6.Writers don’t give any info about the girl victim - other than she is a bully reacting to boys treatment of her
7.victims best friend - just out of control emotionally with scary strict single mum
8.Jamie’s sister - a paper cutout, blank girl & her posh accent makes her not credible

It’s not a well developed drama, it is fiction, and the writers/producers are selling the misogynist storyline …. Funny thing though is they fail to develop any female characters beyond stereotypes: supportive female cop, good mum, well behaved silent sister, the emotionally un-hinged black girl with strict busy single parent best friend, the bumbling female teachers and the flat chested angry girl victim.

Fiction, and engaging entertainment, but not reality.

I tried to text him this morning about an arrangement for going home temporarily for a day to see how he adjusts, I haven't mentioned the show at all after the reception given. He told me he didn't want to go for a day just to be sent back. I explained my point of view on why it's not safe and calmly asked him to explain his.. So far he has said the P word (exhusband and I are asian and he knows the racial abuse I've faced throughout my life), the N word, and a derogatory term about homosexual people. The latter two weren't targeted towards either of us and he's just gone on a rant. This is what I have been saying- he's saying any bad word because it's provocative at this point but he is wound up by any boundary. I give him an inch and he demands a mile.. I have him on mute but have not blocked him

I'm turning off my phone now. This is verbal abuse

You're a joke.

you said text him and then put him on mute - u don’t make sense

I muted him after he started typing aggressively. I'm absolutely not going to engage with the abusive language if he's provoking me

OP he doesn’t hate women he hates YOU I suspect and that is the root of it. Because all of this is you placing yourself as the victim rather than an abuser

Abusers like you OP often provoke people in to reacting so they can shame them or prove a point about their own superiority/victimhood.

I feel terribly sorry for your poor son. I also think everyone here should stop giving you attention.

Degrading language towards gay people? Wonder where he learned that from?

Oh what a surprise! You won’t have to have him home now, even for one day. I bet you’re “devastated “.