Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

You shouldn't need to bribe him to watch it. Just tell him it's excellent. Which it is.

how is his misogyny any different to your lack acceptance over his sexuality?

You say he's not disabled and doesn't need carers, then say you think he has asd and is under MH services

they've recommended medication (which they dont do lightly for children) but you're disapproving so he won't take it.

You dislike his behaviour yet also won't let him be himself or take meds he needs to get better

He wants to come home and you think it's okay to manipulate him into doing what you want in return for some time at home

I think you need therapy too op. You are the cause of this poor lads issues not misogyny.

His father abused his mother
Father wants nothing to do with him
His uncle assaulted him
Mother had an awful reaction to his sexuality
Mother refused to collect him after he had a mental health crisis
He is in care
Mother thinks spending time with him can be used as a reward

I don't think watching Adolescence would actually reach any teen, especially a misogynistic one. I can't see it having any impact whatsoever on your son.
There is so much trauma there that needs unpicking. You can repeatedly tell us you apologised as much as you like but your 16 year old is not going to be healed from all that trauma with a sorry. What he needs is you to consistently show up for him, make him feel loved and valued, have discussions about appropriate attitudes to women in a calm and respectful manner. Ideally he needs his father to be a good role model and appologise for his poor treatment of his children and of women. I know that doesn't seem likely but maybe one of his uncles or a male carer could be having conversations with him about how women should be respected.

The poor boy has been rejected by everyone who is supposed to love and support him.

First, his father, then his violent uncle. He came out to you as bi and was rejected by your side of the family and his wider community / religion who don't accept it. Lastly, most importantly, you didn't support him and have thrown who he fundamentally is back in his face.

I suggest you start listening to him without judgement and try to understand from his point of view what has gone so terribly wrong.
You may need counseling to learn to accept that your son is Bi sexual.

OP, I really feel for you and hope you aren't totally broken by the comments on here.

A ' professional ' in CAMHS really can't just spend 5 minutes with your son and say he is not Autistic. He may not be, but only a thorough appropriate assessment can tell you. You are right, they have fobbed you off!

It's important you look at the conduct disorder suspicion too. Have you read up on this in detail? If you feel and sense it, I believe you must listen to yourself.

No matter what mistakes you have made ( like every parent does), you have to consider whether you can manage all this alone if he came back to the home.

Suggested medications such as antidepressants if that's what they prescribed him - yes, get him on that. With his struggles, he needs something here and it may help calm things down.

Are you scared of him OP?

Thank you. It was definitely longer than 5 mins... I think it was an actual assessment, or that's what they labelled it as. I just think that the professional was being inaccurate in his conclusion.. son shows clear asd traits likes the obsession, I don't think it's completely OCD. Son doesn't think of himself as autistic but my brother also didn't think of himself as mentally ill with anger issues at that age so that's not reliable

I strongly suspect conduct disorder. I know teens can be unstable but most teens haven't escalated like he is. He's shown the symptoms since about 13.

He was under s136 for self harm and for later physically assaulting / shoving away an officer who was trying to help. I think he needs counselling and not necessarily religious counselling but I dont think I can approve of medication and I've explained that to him. He has shown interest in it in the past few yrs but I'm wary and have told him that he's able to take some responsibility to request it himself at his age as camhs visit without me there at this point.. but he's choosing not to

I'm scared for my younger daughter. They get along and he hasn't physically or verbally abused her directly.. yet. She has called him out on his general sexist comments towards me and the women in his life but she thinks I'm at fault and blames me for everything. She told her school councillor that she witnessed action against son (in the heat of the moment + before apologising.....) from uncle and me after his confession three years after it happened. It caused a huge misunderstanding between us and SS. If I'm remembering correctly teenagers with conduct disorders are good manipulators and my daughter has learned to tolerate his comments and feel sorry for him

I don't hate him like what people are implying, seriously I doubt that most here have had an abusive teen, but I can't keep him here long-term at this rate. I fully realise that he has mental health issues but his team have been trying to engage with him and he's convinced that they're all reporting back to me 🤦‍♀️

What are some examples of his abusive behaviours and words and under what circumstances did they happen?

Why are you refusing him access to something which could change everything?

Why are you so opposed to your son taking medication for his health conditions? If he was struggling with his eyesight he'd need glasses. If he was diabetic he'd need insulin. And it's just the same with his MH as it would be for physical health. You want him to somehow show improved symptoms without the tools to improve.

but she thinks I'm at fault and blames me for everything
Have you considered that your daughter may be correct in this?

I get that mental health is a topic that is avoided in some religious/Muslim communities, but you're not doing him any favours by not giving him permission to take medication.

Op why on earth aren’t you supportive of medication. I just don’t understand at all. It’s not like taking it will lead to a life of addiction and destitution: it could help! It could mean that he’s able to deal with other issues once he’s got that support for his mental health.

You honestly aren’t painting yourself in a great light on this thread. You’ve come for advice but the way you think of and speak of your son is abhorrent.

What does your daughter think about him coming home?

It sounds like you have been abusive and he is the product of a bad childhood .
Stop blaming him for everything and take some responsibility . And don't just say you said sorry so it's fine .
It doesn't work that way

This sounds so dysfunctional

Please consider getting therapy yourself. (Not faith based - you want client centred care not care that puts religion first) It sounds really difficult and I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time on this thread. But there is just so much going on here for both of you. He has had a very tough time and his behaviour now is reacting to that. Therapy might help you deal with his sexuality and see that it is not a disaster and figure out your barriers to medication.

I am also wary of medication for mental health problems but my sister had a breakdown a number of years ago and the medication was the only thing that got her to a place where she could start to help herself in other ways.

She wants him back home, but it's not a matter of what she wants when he's behaving this way.

There are only four episodes.

in the final episode the parents reflect on what went wrong, OP I think you should watch.

Behaving in what way?

You said your son is not religious, so you need to get faith-based therapy out if your head. Even in your last post about it, you're saying "not necessarily faith-based'. Just no. Stay away from religion. It's poisoning your thoughts about him. Particularly if the reason you don't want him to have medication is also because of your religion.

Erratically and abusively as he has physically assaulted me in the past. His language is absolutely disrespectful and extreme. Like I've said.. he's been referred to prevent before because of his comments.

What does this mean?

"She told her school councillor that she witnessed action against son (in the heat of the moment + before apologising.....) from uncle and me after his confession three years after it happened."

Is 'action' a euphemism?

Has he had violence happen against him or has he seen it happen in his presence?

I’m asking for specific examples, and the circumstances in which they happened. Did his behaviour deteriorate before or after him telling you he’s bisexual?

And who referred him to prevent and what was the outcome?

Wow. That poor kid.

No wonder social services are having to support him away from you.

And no wonder he hates women given the one woman in his life that is supposed to love and protect him is you. You have completely failed him. Your attitude to his sexuality is disgusting.

I sincerely hope he does agree to medication and ignores your opinion.