Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

This! I would not follow/believe in a religion that treated my son like shit because he's homosexual. If SS decided to place your son it was probably due to safeguarding concerns. I've had my autistic son beating the whole family for 2 years, refused to go to school(resolved now) and SS came over but no help was given because we were parenting correctly and all his needs were being met with us having moved heaven and earth trying to find solutions with specialised psychiatrists who just prescribed antipsychotics and you name it because he refused therapy. Anyway, merailing, I can't believe SS would put him in an apartment unless they were worried for HIS wellbeing.

I'm glad that the issues with your son were resolved. Mine is in his own apartment because he was under a section 136 and I didn't feel comfortable picking him up after he had assaulted an officer and self harmed. he wasn't taken away from home and they actually wanted me to take him back despite the clear pattern in his behaviour. I'll agree to that when it's safe for the whole family to have him back home.

I don't hate him and have spent the last year saying that it's none of my business if he chooses a boy or a girl. We have family who still aren't as tolerant but I absolutely don't hate him for it

I don't think watching 'Adolescence' would help him. The target audience is not teens and I don't think watching it would make any difference.

I'm not sure if I would call myself religious but I'm practicing. Son isn't and obviously has a different sexuality.

He sounds like he is really struggling to find an identity that fits. Your and your family's religion will form a really important part of his life, culture and history - even if he does not believe in it. I wonder whether finding a bridge between his sexuality and your religion could be an option? For example, there are organisations specifically for people who are Muslim and gay/bi.

You're right, a show won't fix this but I watched it and the boy immediately reminded me of him.

He doesn't identify as Muslim sadly and he makes a lot of far right and really unacceptable comments. According to his words.. he thinks that people want him dead (no one in the family has said that or implied that, I'm unsure if he heard anything at madrassah when he was younger). The way he speaks is terrifying and makes me think that there's online extremism going on or that he's being radicalised. His social worker recommended us groups for asian people struggling with sexuality rather than religious groups. But he knows that both faith based and non faith based counselling are on the table for him

My teenage sons have been at their most vulnerable and in need of parental involvement from age 14-16

OP it’s ironic that a strong message of the series is not to leave your impressionable adolescent children on their own in their rooms but rather to integrate them as much as possible into family life so they feel secure and build resilience.

Ah @atmywitsend1989 I'm sorry you're going through this. Being the parent of a teenager with serious MH difficulties is a hell few understand. You're constantly trying to find a solution to ease your DS's suffering and manage the suffering of everyone else.

This TV show is not the solution. I wish it was.

But something in it resonated with you. Watch it again. Think about it more. Digest what you have learnt rather than using it as a blunt instrument wrt your son.

You are doing your best. Are you getting any help or support for yourself?

This thread is infuriating. How can you be so blind? You should be ashamed of yourself. You've treated your son terribly and instead of showing any insight or introspection, you absolve yourself of all guilt. You offer an armchair diagnosis of "conduct disorder," but I would imagine you aren't qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. You refer to him as manipulative and state that you're worried about your daughter, when you admit that your son has never been verbally or physically abusive to her.

Your son sounds as though he is in absolute turmoil and you aren't doing nearly enough to help him. You rejected him when he came out as bisexual and you continue to bring that up to him negatively. Of course he shouldn't be aggressive to you physically. But this is a boy who needs help. He needs your support. He needs to hear you say that you were wrong and that you love him just as he is, that his sexuality doesn't change how you feel about him.

The issues are not all down to your son, but your behaviour as well.

You seem to want a medical diagnosis but have said no to medications (even if you now way it's up to him, you are still manipulating him by talking about your views). You have went through quite significant diagnosis and despite the experts saying he does not have them you have not backed down. Sometimes there isn't a medical diagnosis but a psychological issue going on.

Your thoughts (again you might have changed these) have still been shared with your son and you can't just wipe that from his memory. Maybe you need to consider therapy for yourself.

You also tried to use conversion therapy when he identified as bi, which is quite traumatic in itself, but again shows your views.

There's lots to unpick in this, but please remember when you point on finger, 3 are pointing back. Look at what you need to fix, not just your son.

OP why can't you condone medication? It's not always right and it can be tricky to find the right one, but it can make a huge difference for many people (including me).

What "action" did you and your brother take against your son when he came out as bi?

Tbh there are a lot of really concerning red flags in your posts

"Ive made a complete mess of raising my son and he now lives in temporary accomodation rather than with me. Also I have broken up with his father (who he doesnt get on with), and he has spent his entire life in a broken home. Is this Andrew Tate's fault"

The lack of self-awareness here is absolutely wild lol. Your son's shitty upbringing and lack of any secure home and two-parent family is literally why Andrew Tate exists

thissssss

but wait! OP saw a TV show on netflix last week, maybe this will fix her last 20 years of dreadful life choices!

She told her school councillor that she witnessed action against son (in the heat of the moment + before apologising.....) from uncle and me after his confession three years after it happened. It caused a huge misunderstanding between us and SS

What does this mean op?

What was the action against son?

What did you and uncle do?

My son was physically abusive to me as a teen and early 20s. He lived with my Mum from 16-18, then on his own for a year, then came back home. Huge mistake at the time, but... He couldn't appreciate me more now.

Do you think that by showing him this, that you will just reinforce to him, how negatively you feel about him and how you almost assume the worst.
Could his problem with women, life, mental health all stem from a broken relationship with you, his mother.

You can't help him by piling on more negativity. He's still young. I believe suspect at his age, he still can't fully engage with counselling because it's difficult for anyone let alone a teen who doesn't know how to open up.

I haven't read the full thread and I don't understand about the day back thing.

I think if you are honest with yourself, you have to admit mistakes were made on your part. I did. I was a young Mum, a single Mum, but was I always present for him when he needed me the most? No. It's hard to admit the problems stemmed from his Dad ditching and I didn't engage about that.

Don't forget there's so much bravado as a teen. He's not going to cry and admit he wants to feel loved, or something he's not getting. It's easier to act hard, talk shit.

I think it would be a terrible idea to bribe him to watch it, emphasising his negative points.
Mention you watched it, powerful drama, really scary as well with the lad being so young... He'll probably watch it on his own and take more from it than if his Mum was having to blackmail him to watch it as she thinks so poorly of him.

Oh shit. I'm almost glad I didn't read the full thread now.

Poor poor boy.

It is absolutely your business whether he chooses a boy or a girl, because you are his mother! He wants you to be proud of him regardless of his choice. Like anyone in love, he wants to share his joy. He wants you to share it too and be happy for him.

I've no fucking words now.

She won't reply . She ignores any post pointing out that she has obviously been abusive and he has had a bad childhood and just focuses on his behaviour now
To her she is the victim

Also OP, when you're talking about "bribing" your son to watch the series with a day home it's quite shocking. Like "I'll have you at home for one day if you watch a series on tv that I think will sort you out" whereas for a teenager home is normal, not an award. It will just prove to him that you dislike him and that you really don't want him in your home.

Instead of trying to find an armchair diagnosis for your son you should read up on trauma caused by conversion therapy. The UN equals it to torture. Conversion therapy is linked to greater symptoms of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicidality, according to a study led by Stanford Medicine researchers.

Please take accountability for your actions. Andrew Tate is not the problem here. You and your family have caused this boy so much harm and you should concentrate on how to undo this with the help of a therapist.

You sent him to "faith based" conversion therapy so what do you expect?

Your son sounds completely traumatised.

He's grown up seeing his mother suffer violence by the hands of his father. Yes even babies can see it and remember it when they are older.

He's been suffered violence himself by another one of his male role models and his own mother.

He's rejected by his family apart from his sister due to his sexuality. He knows this because his mother has continually verbally abused him about it and sent him to "faith based" conversion therapy.

Btw MH professionals would happily slap a ND label on him as it means they can opt-out of treating him.

the story isnt told for kids though. It’s a atory of adults trying to make sense of the kids mind

You could have at least tried to relieve his suffering, your son's mental health is broken and you'd rather he struggled and suffered then try medication. You sent a gay child to religious counselling. You made him feel his sexuality was wrong, you harmed him. His male family members have turned their back on him. It sounds like you and his uncle did something to him, care to elaborate? You have harmed him and let him down. Now you're putting the responsibility about medication on him, but it isn't a real choice because he knows how you feel about this. You want your child to take responsibility and yet you won't take responsibility for the ways you've damaged his mental health and made this all worse.

I've been there and my friends have been there, met due to SN kids. We've all messed up at times, these situations are unbelievably hard and we are all burnt out, but how you've treated your DS him is so wrong and the harm you've done is your fault not his. You could still step up and take responsibility and work to fix things, but nothing youve written here shows any readiness to undo the harm you've fone. I hope he and your DD fine a way through this, a way to be ok. I hope someone actually helps him, actually put him first, doesn't make him feel wrong for being gay and not religious.

I find it really interesting that OP won’t give any concrete examples of his behaviours and words and that his sister(who OP is apparently trying to protect) is on his side, blames OP and wants him back home.

How is OP constantly working to find a solution when for years she has refused the solution that is most likely help her child, medication. Let alone sending a gay child to faith based therapy. And yes I've been there. I don't understand how any parent can watch their child suffering that badly and not even try something that is scientifically proven to help with those issues. She chose not to. She is still chosing not to.

You strongly suspect conduct disorder. You've mentioned it a few times. I think your sense this is happening is strong enough for you to feel really cautious and afraid of having him back in the home.

Posters possibly aren't aware - conduct disorder is a pre cursor to sociopathy! It's not called sociopathy until 18. It may be psychopathy at that stage but anyone under 18 cannot be diagnosed as such, even if they blatantly are. Instead, it's called conduct disorder. And OP knows better than any poster in here if that's what is going on.

OP I'm not sure if you meant you are against medication? Or you're stopping it. But I would be encouraging you to fully support him in taking a prescribed medication. If this is an antidepressant medication, he needs something so this is good to try.

Conduct disorder or trauma response?

He witnessed his dad being abusive to his mum.

he came out as bisexual at 12 and one of his other male role models assaulted him and the other cut contact to him.

his mother put him in basically conversion therapy , yelled and shamed him , there was also an incident that concerned SS when retold by her daughter , and still brings his sexuality up in arguments.

she prevented him from accessing medication and doesn’t believe there’s anything wrong with him despite having an OCD diagnosis and living in supported accommodation. Despite him self harming. Despite him being in such serious mental health distress to be taken under a section 136.

OP is either minimising all of this(you know, things “just” happened) or seeing it as a consequence of his own actions. You really trust her to assess his behaviour accurately or objectively?

This is a shocking response , the OP has stated that her husband physically abused her. Are you seriously suggesting that women should stay with men who beat them ?
This boy has two parents, blaming his mother for everything is very unfair.