Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

I haven’t see the programme. But your son sounds like he is really struggling. Is the equivalent of “rubbing his nose in it” going to be helpful?

I’m dubious frankly. Not sure this will have the effect you are looking for.

OP, this is confusing. He has carer support but you say no disabilities. SServices don't fund that for nothing.

I have to watch this show - personally however, you're knocking on the wrong door.

Are you heavily religious? I'd find it very difficult if any parent tried suggest my sexuality was a sin and I would feel such anger if I'd been forced into faith based counselling.

Are you able to leave your faith completely out of his life and every conversation for a start?

My senses are going off again. Has he been assessed as being ND?

And no, it's not because I feel Autistic people are misogynist; there are a few flags here that make me think this.

So through the particular bits of your faith/religion you pick and choose, you raised him to hate who he is. Because there are LGBTQ+ Muslims, Christians, Jews, Sikh etc - whether you like it or not.

I hope he gets help for both his homelessness (because it sounds like you made him homeless) and therapeutic reasons.
E.g. from a charity like AKT
https://www.akt.org.uk/mission-vision/

Or LGBT foundation
https://lgbt.foundation/talkingtherapies

Or Switchboard
https://switchboard.lgbt/

He's had 2 ASD tests but he hasn't recieved a diagnosis, despite me voicing my concerns as a parent. I strongly suspect ASD or NPD, or even a conduct disorder as he's had run ins with the police but I doubt that they diagnose teens with the latter at that age

He was previously under a section 136 but I didn't feel comfortable picking him up at the time after his behaviour. Social services had to find him an emergency placement but he's been there for over a month now. He could be moved to a group placement with other teens but insists that he wants to go back home.. again, I have a 14 Yr old daughter

I understand why he's angry and I've apologised for my past mistakes.. but I still don't believe that I deserve this abuse from him.

He has a roof over his head. He's not homeless.

MN seems to be advertising this show very heavily

OP, this still doesn't make sense. A proper NICE approved ASD assessment will say yes or no. If it was some random CAMHS person who did a quick assessment, this isn't ok by them.

I am very familiar with conduct disorder. I've been researching this alot. It can co exist with Autism. Not your fault.

Has he been assessed ref the conduct disorder? If this is going on, you really have to make sure you are safe emotionally and physically.

I wouldn't want him in the home tbh without knowing exactly what is going on here and help available long term.

Is he medicated for his mood?

Don't apologise for what you've already apologised for. Just definitely best to leave the religious stuff out of it. Saying ' I made a mistake, I'm sorry ' that's enough. You need to be careful you aren't manipulated if he has conduct disorder.

If he's Autistic, which sounds like he may be, he's going to be vulnerable to stuff online like Tate. You can only make him understand consequences of that. For example - you want a decent girlfriend? Or boyfriend? Those views will attract people who are dark in character and harmful.

I'd also have boundaries which included use of certain words or language ref women will not be accepted or tolerated by you. If he does, you will cut the conversation completely.

Fake post?

I've brought it up to his camhs team in the past. They haven't followed up with that.

I was explicitly told that he isn't autistic by a professional (school was also asked about his behaviour..) but in general I felt like my observations were dismissed. I was also against medication for him when it was first brought up a while ago and I still am wary. A camhs worker visits him at least once a week as far as I know. I've told him I don't approve but that he can request for medication, he's 16 and can medically consent. He's manipulative and doesn't let things go and can't accept an apology (I've apologised several times.. I admit that I've brought up his sexuality a few times recently in heated moments but I take accountability while he doesn't). That's probably my biggest worry along with the degrading language... both towards gay people despite his own identity and towards women and girls

I hope so. A child was suffering from depression, tried to go to his mother about his sexuality and was yelled at, now banned from the home by the only parent in his life by just 16 years old. That sounds like poor parenting on a gargantuan scale. Poor boy. I'd never forgive my mother either for failing so badly. Jumping to manipulate a child with a speck of attention when they're begging for it. The shame! 🤢

What?

no it’s not a fake post it’s an observation

Please stop looking for reasons, or that you didn’t provide “males” to provide role model.

like in the fictional movie … it was not the dads fault
it’s fiction

There is more than lack of male role models going on with your son. He’s at an age where I’m not sure Camhs will tell you anything or at least not everything. You need to understand that becoming independent from mum, is the stage he is in. At 18, you are not involved at all.

As in the movie “adolescence” is a really challenging time for many, esp with MH. Experience in my family one young man didn’t “calm down” til in early 20s. From age 15 he was not in control of anger & had rages. Social care did not help at all, Camhs was saying cbt but didn’t provide professional support.

it’s just a movie … for entertainment …

He's a young adult but legally a child... he's 16. I'm not sure if you've watched the series

Well he's only 16 and he isnt living with either of his parents - Yes hes got a roof but to be living on his own with carers at 16 is pretty dire.

This is really sad to read. Please stop using his sexuality against him, he sounds full of self hatred. Would you use his disability against him if he had one, would you use his race against him? His own parent doesn't accept him, that's only going to add to his anger and hurt.

Poor boy. It sounds as though all the adults in his family have let him down and/or behaved abusively. He needs support and understanding, as well as professional help for his OCD and possibly other mental health issues or neurodiversity. I can't imagine why you think a TV series would help him in any significant way. 🙄

This.

There was victim blaming and she was all but forgotten. No telling of the pain and grief from her side.

It was a wasted opportunity. Women don't matter again.

You are the adult stop blaming him for everything.
Maybe you should watch some thing's to see how being homophobic has had a negative impact on your son.
My child told me she was bi and we had a lovely chat about it and that was that . Full praise and support. Especially for feeling she could discuss it with me .
Saying sorry but then still brining it up in a negative manner when having arguments with him just shows you are not sorry about your reaction. You have to take some responsibility for his behaviour and not just blame online idiots.

You sound like you think it’s ok to say awful things to him because you “take responsibility and apologise” afterwards. You’re the parent, you should be thinking before speaking because if you keep saying these things (eg about his sexuality) he will know that’s how you really feel and your apology is therefore worthless.

if he’s watched Tate and the like previously and there’s concerns about his levels of misogyny, has anyone ever referred him to Prevent?

Yes it sounds like he is in some kind of bespoke arrangement, likely unregistered with Ofsted because they simply cannot find something else, those arrangements are what are put in place in those cases quite often

He should be at home, children like this are not helped by the care system

it sounds like this boy has been failed in a catastrophic way.

This poor boy, he’s been let down and deserted by every adult in his life and you want to make time with you a reward for watching what by all accounts is a harrowing drama?

Have you had therapy, separately and together? Not faith based but proper therapy.

Of course his behaviour is wrong, it’s not acceptable to do those things, but given how you’ve described his life, he’s a ball of anger and guilt and shame. The boy told you he was bisexual and you brought in the heavies to shame it out of him. This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read on here. If you’re a troll, kudos, this is heartbreaking but weird enough that you can’t thing of anyone making it up.

I agree.

He has a roof over his head. He's not homeless.

If the roof isn't a secure and permanent home, he is.

I have put him in non-faith based therapy, both private when I could afford it at the time & through camhs. He even picked the second private therapist at the time.. he just didn't make progress

And yes I understand that I shouldn't have made those comments but it doesn't warrant him abusing me.

Gobsmacked at how you refuse to understand the root cause is likely your behaviour, and that won’t be fixed whatsoever by watching this.

Your son, went to the person he should have been able to consider the safest person in the world. He told you he was bisexual (or in your deranged terminology, he ‘confessed’??), and instead of acceptance, love and support, like a normal parent, you went ape shit at him and sent him to some weird conversion therapy (which is what your ‘faith based counselling obviously was).

So, your son, in extremely formative years, and the turmoil of adolescence was essentially rejected by his mother and given the message he was bad/socially unacceptable/abnormal, all to the extent his mother could not even love him for who he is. Then, he starts acting out as he now see’s himself as a monster as that’s the message you have given him by your treatment. You even say you still continue to bring up his sexuality and hit him over the head with it.

You caused the damage and the person who now stands before you. And you think you can fix that by ‘bribing him’ (as you won’t give your love freely, but will only bribe him with things to get it……) with watching 4 episodes of a show? Fuck. Me.