Is it unreasonable to bribe my son to watch the show ' adolescence '

[atmywitsend1989]

Posted here recently but thought I would get input on a different issue.. My son is 16. He has made misogynistic comments before. I've given him tough love (yes.. I've also tried gentle parenting) and have consistently shut down his comments before. He has a teenaged sister and I really don't want her to feel disrespected.

He's been in therapy- the attitude hasn't changed. I binge-watched 'adolescence' yesterday and I'm hooked, it really opened my eyes. I want to rewatch it with him.. Tate and these influencers are ruining young men. They should show this to young boys in schools, but son hasn't been in education for a while.

Am I being unreasonable if I insist that he should watch it ? He doesn't live at home so I was thinking that I could offer him a day back if he watches this + speaks to his therapist again this week.

My only concern is that he's been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and claims to have obsessive thoughts. I don't want him to believe that he'll end up doing what the boy in the TV show has done but his comments and attitude really are unacceptable

Because at 16 he will need whats called semi independent or supported living.

They will have searched perhaps initially for foster care, received no offers, searched for residential care and received no offers, searched for semi independent/supported accommodation, received no offers.

Mum still refusing to have him back in the family home. His behaviour escalating all the while due to being rejected and dysregulated, so the referral put out to providers to make an offer of a placement is likely to result in no offers as they cant/dont want to care for him/cant match him with other children in their provision

So LA is stuck to provide something for this young person but no offers on the table, what do they do? They arrange for key workers/carers to be with the young person in a property they have arranged or perhaps through an agency who supply the care workers/key workers/property, or they have an offer from what is called an 'unregulated' provider who is supplying it. Its illegal obviously but this is happening in all Local Authorities due to this type of situation.

Its not particularly unusual.

He may have been accommodated initially in an emergency foster bed, he has to move on from that or he may have displayed challenging behaviour in that and had to move on quicker than planned (can only use emergency fostering for a few nights anyway)

(I dont know if that is the type of arrangement set out for this particular young person, it could be a solo semi independent provision with high level of support hours due to behavioural concerns, but its very familiar)

This is so sad, your poor son tells you about his sexuality and you send him to faith counselling and bring it up in arguments?? What is wrong with you, you’re damaging your son. Please don’t ever use his sexuality as a weapon. Do you actually understand how hard it must have been for him to open up to i you? It’s a major life moment for a teen and you’ve let him down.

Just remembered to vote, who the fuck thinks this poster is being reasonable?!

People are giving the OP a hard time here when she’s asked for help

I might be wrong but I wonder if she’s from a traditional faith based culture - you mentioned your son’s father is overseas, is he British or another nationality? Eg if from a conservative Muslim country that doesn’t have public mental health care or a tradition of professional, secular counselling, I can see why the first place you’d turn to for advice is the Mosque. And as a single mum from a background like that women are rarely comfortable, familiar or empowered to have conversations about bisexual children and how best to support them. In fact it may be a taboo.

I’m making a lot of leaps here, and may be entirely wrong and apologies if so - but this is a comment to posters piling on and calling this Mum an abuser when she’s turned to Mumsnet for advice to remember that the context of this family’s problems may be very different to what many people here are familiar with.

I think you need to have therapy to come to terms with the fact your son is bi. Sending him to faith therapy reeks of homophobia, as does bringing it up in ‘heated discussions recently’, repeatedly.

this will probably improve your relationship without ‘rewarding’ him with your time if he watches the things you think he needs (the show sounds great, but again sounds like you think you can indoctrinate things out of him)

@LadyNairne Be all that as it may, irrespective, it’s really poor form to cry victim of abuse when you were the abuser that set the wheels in motion.

I do agree though, there is a complete lack of insight, which could be due to a number of things.

This was what I wasn't completely comfortable with saying but yes you are spot on. I'm not sure if I would call myself religious but I'm practicing. Son isn't and obviously has a different sexuality. He's been referred to prevent in the past because of his strong beliefs and verbal abuse towards people of our background, tied in with the other discriminatory comments about women which I'm almost certain is from online.. just not sure if it's from tate specifically. I've wanted to send him with his father for a while but I really can't force him physically at this age, my hands are tied

Please do not send him to his father, you are his mother, you are the one person that should love him unconditionally, he is very young to have to face the world without your support.

Everyone, please read this latest update before commenting further.

OP, why would sending him to live with his abusive and misogynistic father be a good idea in any way?

At this point, my guess is he's in the safest place for him (and others), even though it's heartbreaking.

It’s hardly surprising that he identifies with misogynistic views when the one woman he should be able to turn to for support has turned her back on him.

I should have clarified, I won't and can't. It's something on my mind at times but I really don't think I could force him to.

Nor should you. Didn’t you say earlier your ex was abusive towards you and were
concerned your son might have been influenced by that, or did I imagine that?

If Social Services have placed him there then he does need the carers, particularly if he is known to have been violent and abusive to you. They can't leave a troubled 16 year old alone and there will always have to be two for safety reasons. Social Services (tax payers) will be paying for this.

I don't think it is a good idea for you to make him watch Adolescence. He seems really messed up (faith based therapy for being bi ffs, this can't have helped). You'd be better leaving it to the professionals now.

@atmywitsend1989 can you give some concrete examples of his abusive behaviours and things he has said? The circumstances in which they happened?

Making him watch it/bribing him, will very likely just result in him getting even worse.

Sorry he is like this @atmywitsend1989 Hopefully he grows out of it. My 2 DC were uber woke at that age, and you couldn't say fuck-all about anything without them shouting at you, and they hated the babyboomers, and anyone born before 1960. And they constantly derided their own people ... (White and English,) like we were the worst people who ever walked the planet. It got particularly bad when they were at Uni.

Thankfully some 6-8 years after leaving Uni, they have levelled out a bit, still left of centre, but not so judgy of anyone who isn't far left, and they have a much more open mind. They realise that things aren't as straightforward as they think, other people are entitled to different views to them, and they were wrong about some things.

Does your son think he is gay now?

and I really don’t think watching this will solve whst at are clearly complex issues

‘there’s no excuse for his abuse’
What, pray tell, is yours? Because if you have thrown his sexuality back in face more than once (or at all, really), I call bullshit on you ‘taking accountability’
I hope social services is taking a very keen interest in your daughters welfare with you providing primary care.

Jeeze oh poor kid .
Hes been highly punished for being a teenager .
No wonder he lashed out. He comes to his mum as he is experiencing all these feelings and you may as well have tarred and feather him in public .
You have turned your back on him really . He’s out the home at 16 and you won’t have him back . He isn’t his father !
He’s a teenager . Your son !

Did he start being abusive around the time he told you he was gay bisexual and you abused him? Before sending him to conversion therapy.

Exactly! It’s op who really should seek help she is messing up her kids .

Thank you and I agree. Sorry if this is personal, did they have any identity issues themselves? Son has struggled to accept that my side of the family don't agree with his sexuality besides me (as of recent I've told him that I wouldn't care who he chooses..). I think it's particularly worse because they were the closest males in his life but I 100% agree that they're not required to be completely comfortable with it as long as there's tolerance and respect. Which me and one of my brother's have tried to show

No mother should love their child unconditionally. That is what causes these issues.

Children should not be loved if they are violent towards their mother.

There have to be red lines otherwise the child will be uncontrollable.

There is so much to disentangle here from both you and your son.

You don’t accept your son’s sexuality and have thrown this at him repeatedly.
he doesn’t really have a father in his life
and it seems like he would not get the support he needs there either.

you don’t see how you must change as well as him so that he can come home.
he seems to have rejected his own background and culture now.
he hates women.
You have experienced violence and abuse from him.
At least he does actually want to come home.

It’s an awful lot. If you got therapy (not faith based) to get your head around his sexuality it may help. It seems like a very big deal for you - for religious reasons that many here are stuggling to understand- but you can’t really help your son until you yourself can understand what it is that is truly problematic about his behaviour and what is not.

He came out as Bi and you sent him to conversion therapy by another name, this is known as to be incredibly harmful to people’s mental health, I can’t imagine how hard that is for a teenager. An extreme reaction isn’t surprising.

his story has nothing in common with the tv show, and it isn’t Andrew Tate who has damaged your son. He’s been both physically and mentally abused, watching an irrelevant tv show and ‘winning time at home’ isn’t what this poor teenager needs.

The op is the one who needs therapy
hope she really reads the messages on here and stops blaming her son for her poor choices and mistakes in his life.