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Original poster

Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

275 replies

Proie · 14/03/2025 18:56

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 11:41

HellDorado · 15/03/2025 09:40

Much as OP has caused to be grateful to her DD for paying 'rent' which covers half the bills and means that OP keeps her home, this has only been a short term arrangement, and the house is OP's, not DD's. It seems that DD is using the rent to buy power over OP 's decisions.

Then OP has a choice. She can either accept that she needs this “rent” - in fact, cannot manage without it - and accept the say in decisions that comes with a vital contribution. Or she can say “I appreciate what you have done, but I still consider this my house and SIL is welcome” and risk her daughter voting with her feet. What she does NOT get is a magic option three where she gets to make all the decisions and her daughter meekly says “Yes mummy”, but still coughs up.

Her eldest daughter is welcome in her home though.

The issue is that she also wants her husband to be welcome there, despite the fact that he has upset the people who live there and refuses to apologise.

Seems like the eldest daughter is the one who wants everything her own way. She already has the choice to make her husband apologise or visit alone.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:49

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 19:00

Well put yourself in her shoes.

If you had fallen out with someone and absolutely didn’t want to see them, you wouldn’t expect them to be invited into your home would you?

Just see him in neutral territory.

You seem to have overlooked the part where this is OP’s house!

Bellyblueboy · 15/03/2025 11:53

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:49

You seem to have overlooked the part where this is OP’s house!

Show quote history

It’s the family home. There is a child there that OP has a greater responsibility to than her adult children.

It is perfectly reasonable for an abusive adult to be kept away from a child.

OP needs to stop pandering and start parenting.

its not about her rights as the home owner, its about her responsibility as a parent.

OP is coming across as weak and ineffective.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 11:54

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:49

You seem to have overlooked the part where this is OP’s house!

Show quote history

It is also her younger daughter and son's only home. The son is still a minor and cannot live anywhere else, and the younger daughter is currently paying half the mortgage and bills to enable the OP to continue living there.

Her elder daughter has a home of her own, and is also welcome to visit without her arsehole of a husband, or with him if he apologises.

Lunde · 15/03/2025 12:33

LifeIsShiteEnoughAlready · 15/03/2025 06:42

To be quite honest, I can barely believe some of the responses I'm reading on here.

OP's younger DD is paying housekeeping to live there.
The fact that OP uses that to cover half the bills is neither here nor there. It is rent for living there, not a gift of cash to solely help her mum pay her mortgage.

Let DD find somewhere in London so cheap, with a live in maid service and cooked meals. It's HOUSEKEEPING, not shared ownership.

It's still OP's house.
It is not her youngest daughter's house nor does OP owe her any equity. That's ridiculous.
The mortgage is nearly paid off, so plenty paid off before any housekeeping paid from DD. I highly doubt her mid 20s DD was covering half the bills while she was in nappies and school.

OP. Stop letting your youngest DD act like she owns the house and can tell you who you can and cannot have in it. You are giving her way too much credit. How many years did you pay for everything before she started paying housekeeping? Not only are you giving her too much credit, it sounds like she's taking too much also. I wonder how your eldest feels about you putting younger DD's orders over your relationship with her. And orders are what youngest is issuing. Not requests, not even demands...orders. Sod that.

It isn't housekeeping when your early 20s daughter buys out your ex with her savings so that her mum can stay in the house and then continues to pay 50% mortgage and bills, OP is clear that DD put aside her own dreams of moving to London to keep her mum and brother from losing the house, Basically DD jointly owns the house at this stage

As well as having paid a capital contribution to the house - By paying 50% of bills dd - despite being 1 of 3 people living there - is also subsidising her 15 year brother's housing which should be a parental responsibility.

OP seems to have ceded her parental role to her 20 something DD

  • DD pays for her brother's housing and expenses
  • DD is more like a parent and stands up for her brother when he's being abused
All while OP weakly sits on her hand and wails "nothing to do with me - I'm neutral"
Lunde · 15/03/2025 12:39

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:49

You seem to have overlooked the part where this is OP’s house!

Show quote history

The house that OP would have lost if her dd hadn't bought out the ex and paid 50% of mortgage and expenses,

It means that DD is also paying her brother's expenses - OP seems happy for her DD to play a financial parental role in keeping a roof over the brother's head - but wants to give an abuser access to the home

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2025 12:40

Workhardcryharder · 14/03/2025 19:37

Or she’s paying her “keep” which is absolutely normal for an adult (presumably) and shouldn’t then be viewed as “keeping her on her feet”

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Her keep would not be half the bills and half the mortgage.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2025 12:41

"OP's younger DD is paying housekeeping to live there.
The fact that OP uses that to cover half the bills is neither here nor there."

Again, her 'keep' to cover her own costs would not be half of everything so she's paying more.

wherearemypastnames · 15/03/2025 13:00

Don’t think it matters who owns the house or pays what - do you trust your daughter to be reporting fairly or not ?

Isthisit22 · 15/03/2025 13:08

It’s time you actually start parenting! You’re happy to take DD’s money but ‘stay neutral’ when she protects your 15 year old son? Time to step up and protect your son from this bully.
Your older daughter can visit without him or see you elsewhere

LizzieW1969 · 15/03/2025 13:25

wherearemypastnames · 15/03/2025 13:00

Don’t think it matters who owns the house or pays what - do you trust your daughter to be reporting fairly or not ?

A family friend was also there, who confirmed the incident. So it isn’t about whether she can trust her DD.

wherearemypastnames · 15/03/2025 13:42

If the incident has been confirmed Then why on earth is she thinking of letting the chap in?

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 15/03/2025 13:44

yes that. It’s nothing to do with money but entirely to make sure the 15 year old is safe in his own home.

Workhardcryharder · 15/03/2025 14:45

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2025 12:41

"OP's younger DD is paying housekeeping to live there.
The fact that OP uses that to cover half the bills is neither here nor there."

Again, her 'keep' to cover her own costs would not be half of everything so she's paying more.

I must have missed where it said half the mortgage, I only saw half the bills? Which would most definitely be cheaper than renting a room somewhere.

Bruisername · 15/03/2025 14:49

Workhardcryharder · 15/03/2025 14:45

I must have missed where it said half the mortgage, I only saw half the bills? Which would most definitely be cheaper than renting a room somewhere.

Show quote history

She’s helping pay off the mortgage so her mum can keep the house in retirement. Op has said she wouldn’t have been able to keep the house without her

GoBackToTheStart · 15/03/2025 14:59

I must have missed where it said half the mortgage, I only saw half the bills? Which would most definitely be cheaper than renting a room somewhere.

Op confirmed it's "half of everything" which looked like a response to "She's not paying half of everything. She's paying the equivalent of half the mortgage. Not the council tax, the energy and water bills, the insurance etc. "

She's also said she definitely would be living elsewhere if Op didn't need the money to keep the house (so it's obvious she's doing this to benefit her DM and not to save money), and Op is planning giving her equity, which would only be relevant if it was the mortgage.

HellDorado · 15/03/2025 15:15

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 11:41

Her eldest daughter is welcome in her home though.

The issue is that she also wants her husband to be welcome there, despite the fact that he has upset the people who live there and refuses to apologise.

Seems like the eldest daughter is the one who wants everything her own way. She already has the choice to make her husband apologise or visit alone.

Show quote history

I think you quoted the wrong person there - I’m in agreement with you!

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2025 15:16

Workhardcryharder · 15/03/2025 14:45

I must have missed where it said half the mortgage, I only saw half the bills? Which would most definitely be cheaper than renting a room somewhere.

Show quote history

Well there are three people and it's a house not a room so the bills must be much higher than they would be just renting a room. There will be an element that is fixed not to do with the daughter's costs and then she is also paying a part of the younger brother's costs and all this for a presumably at least 3 bedroomed house. That's much more than paying for her keep.

HellDorado · 15/03/2025 15:18

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:49

You seem to have overlooked the part where this is OP’s house!

Show quote history

Which OP can only afford to maintain thanks to her younger daughter’s contribution. If she wants to get all “My house, my rules”, she can downsize and pay for it herself.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 15/03/2025 15:22

THE MONEY IS IRRELEVANT!

Its the sons wellbeing and safeguarding that’s of primary importance.

if it was a free home then sil should still make amends before being allowed back in.

there are 3 people plus the son who all think sil crossed the line.

aspidernamedfluffy · 15/03/2025 15:33

I think you are overlooking the opinion of the most important person in this whole thing.....your DS, you know the one that the BiL lost his temper with. What does he (the DS), want? Why is your youngest DD standing up for him and you're just sat there dithering like Mavis on Corrie "well I don't reallllly knooow"?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 15:38

HellDorado · 15/03/2025 15:15

I think you quoted the wrong person there - I’m in agreement with you!

Show quote history

Yes, we are in agreement. I was just pointing out that the OP's eldest daughter is still welcome. The problem is that she wants to be joined at the hip with her wanker of a husband.

Devianinc · 15/03/2025 15:51

Proie · 14/03/2025 19:47

Son in law sometimes works away during the week so they are very protective of making sure they spend as much time together possible at weekends

Why is your house the house to be at, why can’t you go there.and it sounds like your son in law is a bully and he either apologizes or he’s not welcome. Also why can’t your daughter come to your house when her husband is on a business trip. He seems very pushy. She can go when he’s away. It seems there making it harder than it has to be.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/03/2025 15:53

GoBackToTheStart · 15/03/2025 14:59

I must have missed where it said half the mortgage, I only saw half the bills? Which would most definitely be cheaper than renting a room somewhere.

Op confirmed it's "half of everything" which looked like a response to "She's not paying half of everything. She's paying the equivalent of half the mortgage. Not the council tax, the energy and water bills, the insurance etc. "

She's also said she definitely would be living elsewhere if Op didn't need the money to keep the house (so it's obvious she's doing this to benefit her DM and not to save money), and Op is planning giving her equity, which would only be relevant if it was the mortgage.

The OP also said that her daughter will be able to move out soon once the mortgage is paid off, so she clearly is relying on her to pay half the mortgage.

It's a little bit worrying that she seems to be suggesting her younger daughter only gets a say because she can't manage without her financial contribution.

What does that mean? In two years' time when the mortgage is paid off, she says to her daughter, "Right, well, thanks for ensuring that I didn't lose my house. Now I'll invite your BIL round every day if I want to, and you can move out, rent in London and start saving for a deposit from scratch, because all your savings will be tied up in my house for as long as I want to live there."

This is not a great deal for her younger daughter. Apart from not having been able to save for her own deposit, if she's on the deeds to the OP's house then she'll never be eligible for any first time buyer advantages and any other property she buys in the future is likely to be considered a second home for the purposes of SDLT etc. And if she's not on the deeds then there's no guarantee she'll ever get her financial contribution back, especially if the OP dies suddenly and hasn't sorted this out in her will. So I would say that even once the mortgage is paid off, as long as the OP hasn't given her the money back, she should still have a right of veto over the BIL coming to the house.

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/03/2025 15:55

Proie · 14/03/2025 19:47

Son in law sometimes works away during the week so they are very protective of making sure they spend as much time together possible at weekends

Well, can't she come during the week if BIL is away and bring kids if necessary? Sounds a bit wet, having BIL with her all the time. Is he controlling?