Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

[Proie]

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

Why is it Op's home first and foremost when DD is paying half of everything to enable OP to actually afford it? It's DD's home and it's DS' home and they're entitled to not have an abusive bully in it. Eldest DD has another home now. She is free to visit but she has to leave the abusive man behind.

Your son in law lost his temper and cross the line with your son? Who is 15 now. What age was he when this happened?

you don’t seem particularly concerned about your son’s feelings or your son in law’s behavior. You are just using your middle child for money and when the mortgage is paid off you will side with your eldest child against your younger two?

Why won’t your son in law apologize? Why can’t he control his temper around a child? What did he say?

Sounds like he is a creep who refuses to admit when he is in the wrong and just wants to rock up to your house without having to apologize or admit any fault. and everyone is supposed to pretend that’s okay.

You are not making your eldest daughter unwelcome, are you. Its the rude BIL who is not welcome. Its not your problem that they dont want to be apart.

Really? I hope you don’t have children and don’t work with children.

independent witness says the adult crossed the line. Daughter says the adult crossed the line. But maybe it was the child’s fault? Oh dear.

Did your son do or say anything at all to cause his BiL to act as he did?

I'm a bit puzzled because in my experience people don't just "cross the line" without there being some cause.

Of course whatever your DS did - or didn't do - may not excuse your SiL's behaviour, but you seem rather reticent to spell out exactly what your SiL said or did that so offended your younger DD, and without knowing what actually happened between your DS and his BiL it's difficult to say who is or is not being unreasonable.

So in your experience no adult crosses the line with a child without cause?

an independent witness along with OP’s daughter thought this man crossed the line. But you think BIL might be in the right because the child caused or deserved it?

i grew up with a mother like you. She never backed me up - allowed me to be bullied and humiliated by other adults. Because the adult was always in the right and she was sure I had done something wrong. Bullies can smell it - a child with no one to protect them. I was picked on by an adult in our circle who never picked on any of the other kids - because their parents were fierce and protective. While mine was a meek and submissive as OP.

Based on your updates I think you’re being seriously unfair. You wouldn’t have the childhood home for anyone to stay in if it wasn’t for your youngest daughter! It might be eldest’s childhood home but it’s youngest’s (and son’s) ACTUAL home - neither of whom like BIL! So majority rules and BIL is not welcome.

Your eldest is old enough to have her own home with a partner etc, so surely she’s a big enough girl to manage a sleepover for one night at mummy’s house without him! And what’s stopping you visiting her? Why does she get to call all the shots when it was her partner who was badly behaved and neither of them have apologised!! Eldest could have sorted it out with youngest but she hasn’t bothered her arse, and yet you’re pandering to her?

All this “I’m neutral” is a slap in the face to your other two children whose wants are being overlooked. Why are their feelings less important than eldest’s?

Edit to say, you are not being neutral, you are being spineless.

No one is excluding the eldest daughter, she just isn't coming round as much because her husband is no longer welcome.

The thing is BIL is a guest in that house, and the son lives there, there isn't really a time when I think it would be reasonable to a guest to verbally abuse a child who lives there and not apologise afterwards.

I do think if the son had done something to provoke his BIL OP would have said, she seems to be falling over herself to excuse BIL and sweep it all under the carpet in the name of not alienating her oldest daughter, and I doubt his sister and the family friend would see it as crossing the line and would be so offended by it if it was a simple argument that got out of hand etc.

I don’t think this is a situation in which you can be neutral and hope it passes.

We don’t know the facts of what happened but your friend said your son in law crossed the line, your youngest dd is unhappy and it was all over your 15 year old son. If my husband crossed the line with any of my siblings and was then in turn not welcome in the family home, then I’d be furious with him and would expect him to apologise. What has your eldest dd said about it all?

I think you need to try take the lead in all of this and facilitate a conversation between everyone tk hopefully try clear the air.

The “off-chance”? OP’s own daughter is so worried about his behaviour towards a teenager than she doesn’t want him in the house; an independent witness has backed her up. I don’t think it’s an off-chance - I think it’s a very strong chance.

She feels very strongly about it. It is her home currently. Her boundaries here should be respected.
Anything else is unfair.
Communicate with eldest DD and accept SIL is the source of some problems and some space from him is needed for now but you’ll always be there for both DDs.

Sounds pretty astute for a 15 year-old.

So, in summary your youngest daughter had to stand up for your son and has held a boundary with your son in law. You are now seeing it as caught in the middle between your two daughters due to aforementioned boundary.

What you are ignoring is that it is your son in laws behaviour that is the issue here, not your younger daughters, who is protecting her family here. You have a role here, and that role is not the victim caught between two children.

Another troubling thing that you’ve written is that she will have no say when the mortgage is paid of - that’s a pretty crappy thing to say as it implies you are using her to sort out your financial situation.

And yes, your youngest has absolutely curtailed her life for you and no amount of home comforts will equate to the experiences and relationships and financial opportunities that could have been forged had she not.

I think your 15 year old son has a good gut feeling about his brother-in-law. And the grown man crossed the line and spoke to him in a demeaning, unacceptable way.

As protector of your son, you should explain to your eldest daughter that, while she is always welcome at your home, her husband needs to apologise to his younger brother-in-law and make things comfortable for him before he can freely visit.
Once your younger daughter knows that her BIL is being considerate of how you all feel about his outburst, she will feel better about him visiting.

That is the stance I would take.
The only person who can make things better is your son-in-law.

She can visit, he is not welcome until he makes ammends, simple as that.

Your SIL is the problem here OP, he 'crossed the line' and hasn't bothered to apologise and yet only the women in your family (you and DD's) seem to be worrying about how to resolve it. He created the problem so you and eldest DD need to be looking to him to fix it, why is no one holding him to account for his actions?

I don’t think your younger DD paying towards the mortgage is relevant. The point is that she is trying to put boundaries in place so that her home is a place she wants to be (and, but the sounds of it, your DS want’s to be, too). And you don’t seem to think that’s as important as your DD feeling like she can bring an abusive husband round.

But it’s not just your elder DD you can alienate here.

I think if I was living at home but old enough and well off enough to afford my own place and my mum wanted to let someone who was downright nasty to me stay, I would go off and get my own place.

It does sound like son in law is the problem here, I'd intervene and suggest he apologises

It's her home, just see the BIL somewhere neutral.

In all honesty, you are spineless and failing your children.

In your OP you say the lines are blurred because your middle child is paying half the mortgage, that it won't be forever because the mortgage will soon be paid off - the implication being that she only has a say now because she's your meal ticket.

You say you are neutral - what parent in the world would stay neutral knowing that an adult male crossed the line with their child? In what other situations have you preferred to stay out of it rather than advocating for your children?

A real parent would have a conversation with their eldest to say they are always welcome, they can come to you with anything, that their siblings have a right to their own safe space which is why bil needs to apologise before he can come over. And would do that regardless of who is paying the bills.

Totally agree. OP says that she is on the fence, but actually she is really supporting her elder DD and her DH.

Her younger daughter is doing this to protect her 15 year old brother from a man who 'crossed the line' after losing his temper with a teenager, as reported by an impartial witness.

OP should be outraged about his behaviour to her son but instead it is left to her younger daughter to try and protect her younger brother while OP whinges on about the elder daughter not feeling welcome in her own home (which isn't actually her home as she lives elsewhere with her DH and disregarding the fact that if it wasn't for her younger daughter's generous financial support, the family home would have been lost).

To be quite honest, I can barely believe some of the responses I'm reading on here.

OP's younger DD is paying housekeeping to live there.
The fact that OP uses that to cover half the bills is neither here nor there. It is rent for living there, not a gift of cash to solely help her mum pay her mortgage.

Let DD find somewhere in London so cheap, with a live in maid service and cooked meals. It's HOUSEKEEPING, not shared ownership.

It's still OP's house.
It is not her youngest daughter's house nor does OP owe her any equity. That's ridiculous.
The mortgage is nearly paid off, so plenty paid off before any housekeeping paid from DD. I highly doubt her mid 20s DD was covering half the bills while she was in nappies and school.

OP. Stop letting your youngest DD act like she owns the house and can tell you who you can and cannot have in it. You are giving her way too much credit. How many years did you pay for everything before she started paying housekeeping? Not only are you giving her too much credit, it sounds like she's taking too much also. I wonder how your eldest feels about you putting younger DD's orders over your relationship with her. And orders are what youngest is issuing. Not requests, not even demands...orders. Sod that.

So he kept himself busy when BIL was around because he doesn't really like him. Well, he's entitled to 1. Not like him and 2. Keep himself busy to avoid him.
A 15 year old has no obligation to like or hang out with his elderly sisters' husbands. You seeem to justify BIL's behaviour (which a third party described as "out of line") towards your son with the fact that your son doesn't seem to like him which is neither here nor there.

Your lack of reaction and willingness to take a stand on this is troublesome and I'm trying to understand. If you have been worn down emotionally due to your experience with DV you need therapy because your lack of emotions and maternal instinct to protect your child is clearly compromised. Your younger daughter has stepped up to protect your son in your place and the least you can do is have her back on this. Noone should be allowed to come into your home and "cross the limit" behaviour wise with any of your children- especially not a MINOR child.

All pp are astonished by your lack of reaction to this. As a mother you don't have the right to be neutral when your children's wellbeing are at stake. I feel sorry for your DS. Luckily he's got his sister who has stepped up to protect him in your place.

Honestly grow a pair!

The fact your daughter pays is irrelevant to me - she’s right regardless that she shouldn’t have to have people in the home she doesn’t want there.

What about your son? Maybe he doesn’t want to see a bully either?

Eldest DD I’d keep close as BIL sounds like not a good person but she is also an adult and can choose where she spends her time. Make plans to see her out of the house or at hers if needed.