Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

[Proie]

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

What does this mean? Is your DD planning on moving out as soon as she's helped you pay off the mortgage?

Also, why aren't you getting involved? Your DS says he was treated badly by the BIL and a family friend said the BIL definitely 'crossed the line' - the very least you could do is try to find out what happened! It's literally your job to stand up for your kids, not dither between them ineffectually when issues arise.

I feel bad for your kids, from what you've said. Your DD sounds more responsible than you.

Where did I say to tell them to suck it up?

OP wasn't there during the argument, not sure if older DD saw it first hand either, so her DH may have lied and downplayed it.

Most parents would rather their kids got along, so it's worth a try.

OP has so far not gotten involved and it hasn't solved anything.

It might work, or not, but avoiding the whole thing and not wanting to take sides so a cope out.

She takes sides when she talks about patiently having to 'put up' with her younger daughter because she pays, all because her elder daughter fancies some night cuddles from her husband and wants everything her way or she won't visit her mother.

Has your eldest asked her dh to apologise? If he won’t apologise she will have to decide if she wants to visit you without him. If he was out of order to your son you should as annoyed as your dd tbh. Why should your 2 who live at home suffer because the bil is a prick.

OP is moving house - she has another thread about the layout of her new house! Assume she is ditching g the middle daughter.

maybe her son can live with her middle daughter and she can be free to have her nasty son in law in the house without fear of him bullying or upsetting her other children. Because they won’t be there!

The two threads are inconsistent in terms of finance tbh.

so there’s not the full story here. Don’t think OP will be back anyway

Exactly this.

I wonder if her younger daughter realises that as soon as the OP no longer needs her to pay the mortgage, her feelings will be longer be taken into account, even though she'll have given up some of the best years of her life to stay at home and help her mum out, and all her life's savings are tied up in her mum's house and can't be used to buy her own.

Not just in terms of finance. She talks about how “We have found our dream house” - yet according to this thread, it’s because she’s divorced that she needs her daughter’s help to afford the house she’s in (and that she makes no mention of selling on this thread). Who’s “we”?

I agree that she needs to get off the fence and take a stand. But why do the two younger siblings need to be forced into a confrontation?

She just needs to say to her eldest daughter, "Your husband did this, in front of several witnesses, this is completely unacceptable, why hasn't he apologised?"

You’re not being neutral, you’re being ineffectual. You need to talk to your DS to find out exactly what happened and tell your eldest daughter that without an apology the BIL can’t come round. Stop being wishy washy and take control.
if necessary, talk to the BIL directly.

This

And this

Yes this why OP won't respond to all the questions about what the knob bil said and what your 15 son thinks.
She just mostly responds to the few people who agree with her.

Because the elder daughter is the golden child who can do no wrong. So OP won't make sure her 15 year old child feels safe from verbal abuse from anger older men in his own home.

It’s very telling that you won’t say exactly what your son in law said and did. Presumably because it IS that bad, you just don’t want to deal with it.

The OP isn't coming back because less people are agreeing with her.

She won't answer what did the Bil say to her 15 year old son and she won't answer her 15 year old son thinks. Presumably because that will make it more obvious that she refuses to be a mother and protect her non adult child so he feels safe from verbal abuse in his own home. The child she still has a duty of care over. Also making it clear elder daughter is the golden child.

Yeah op has another thread about buying another house

Why does talking have to mean a confrontation?

What is there to talk about? The OP's younger two children are justifiably upset by their BIL's behaviour and they need and deserve an apology.

Their sister is minimising their feelings through her passive aggressive performative sadness at not being able to hang out at their home with her husband but has done nothing to even acknowledge her siblings' feelings.

Why do the two younger children need to be present? The OP just needs to grow a pair of ovaries and point out to her eldest daughter that her husband has it in his power to make this situation go away by apologising for his shitty behaviour.

Hopefully she's planning to pay her daughter back in full from the proceeds of sale.

Well, the OP can decide for herself. She asked for thoughts, I gave mine.

You don't have to agree with it.

With 5 bedrooms, maybe she's planning on all of them living together! Perhaps that is why she wants her younger DD and DS to "get over" whatever her son-in-law did.
Something doesn't add up here 🤔

Spot on

Your SIL sounds awful. You can maintain your relationship with your elderly daughter but you don't have to entertain her husband if he can't or won't apologise. Your son needs your protection and your younger daughter sounds like a star. Can't you get your two daughters to communicate?

Yep. Why is OP worried about keeping up the mortgage on this thread, yet actively looking at other properties on another?