Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

[Proie]

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

Can you not go to her?

The only person keeping a teen boy safe from a belligerent adult is the younger daughter, who also would be out of there if she wasn't a really good person helping out her mom by taking financial responsibilities that mom can't afford.

OP. What are you doing to keep your teen son safe from this guy? Trying to sit on the middle of the fence when your son in law has done something so significantly wrong that your daughter barred him from the home. Why don't you support them?

Your older daughter has a place to go. She made her choice. I think you should make it clear that it's also your decision for her husband not to be in your home. You have a responsibility as a parent to keep your son safe and you seem to want to let that fall on your younger daughter too so you don't have to take sides

I hope you mean as a % of what you get for the house so that she gets a share in any increase in value, not just pay her back what she's put in without interest it would have earned, or gain in home's value

How does that poster plan on paying her daughter back after all this and why do you care so much that the pushy son in law gets his own way. Did he and your daughter step up to the plate to help. It doesn’t sound like it and the mother’s chomping at the bit to get her out. She doesn’t sound like she appreciates what her daughter’s done for her and cares more about the people that didn’t help her in her time of need. What the heck? This doesn’t make sense and it’s not nice to disrespect your daughter like that after all she’s done to save you. Family dynamics be damned. Wow

Only bc of her daughter. No thanks to the son in law or o his wife , the posters daughter

I’ve read OP updates but not full thread so if I’m repeating then I apologise.

its simple in my eyes, demand an apology, a genuine one, for your son and if that’s provided then put your foot down and remind your daughter it’s your house and her home. The 2 things are different!

that said, no apology then side with DD and DS x

Parents not taking a fair stance and insisting on being "neutral" only brews resentment between the siblings and setting a poor standard of expectations which the kids will take on to their relationships.

If a family friend/neighbour objectively said the BIL is out of line and 2/3 siblings don't like this son in law, then clearly something is wrong here. The youngest daughter paused her own life so OP can keep her house. Instead of recognising the sacrifice the youngest daughter made for her and respecting her (considering she seems to be in the right based on witness accounts), the eldest daughter seems to be the "golden child" here without OP saying she's the golden child. She needs to sort her husband out and don't come over to the "family home" until he learns how to be respectful to the family.

In two years' time when the mortgage is paid off, she says to her daughter, "Right, well, thanks for ensuring that I didn't lose my house. Now I'll invite your BIL round every day if I want to, and you can move out, rent in London and start saving for a deposit from scratch, because all your savings will be tied up in my house for as long as I want to live there."
That is actually a very good point. This arrangement is really damaging for the younger daughter.

and I wouldnt trust the passive op to actually ensure the youngest daughter receives the equity in her will before an equal share of the rest.

Time for a chat with the kids separately or all 3 together. Or with the two sisters.
You can't live like this and money shouldn't trump your elder daughter's needs.

Will be a mess for inheritance too when inflation is taken into account.

why have you focused on the elder daughters needs here - out of interest?

most are focused on the under age son.

Neutral witnesses say SIl crossed a line - why you aren't protecting your 15 year old (then 12 year old?) Son I don't know - thank goodness your dd is holding the line and keeping the petulant bully out.

Your eldest is choosing her dick of a husband over all of you - including you -.you only get her back if you accept his bullying.

Why would you want someone in your house who was disrespectful to your children? It’s not about making your eldest feel unwelcome she is welcome whenever she wants to come, it’s her choice. Your youngest DD is right she should not have to welcome someone into her home who makes her uncomfortable whether she’s paying anything or not.

So you have your own two children who told you the truth but you decide to stay out of it?

Your eldest DD with the prick abusive husband lives near by? Why can’t you visit her and stay the night? Is there not something abnormal about an adult DD wanting to stay in family home when she lives so close?

Some weird family dynamics.

And you your closing statement is your mortgage will be paid off soon imllyibv you are going to chuck your younger DD out or feel in a position of financial power that you will override her wishes in HER home?

reread your post OP. Objectively. Take a look in the mirror. Your BIL is abusive and in your way you are too by gaslighting your DD from her truth and you are abusing her financially as it looks like you plan to make her homeless once you no longer need her financially.

Everything is about your elder DD. Can’t you see it now it is in writing? Your younger DD has not banned your eldest just your SIL but you and your DD are so self absorbed that you can’t see it. Your posts are also contradictory. DD wants to stay over but with the SIL. She wants to stay at week days but SIL is away during the week. They don’t want to come at weekends as. They want to stay together on their own.

its batshit.

After this time even if SIL apologises it’s not enough and you need to stop being neutral. You aren’t anyway - you are enabling you SIL and DD to be abusive to your other children in their own home.

FFS a family member told you what happened.

grow a back bone. And figure out how you will repay your kind DD back financially. Don’t wait till you die. Once your son is at college, sell up and downsize. Do something decent for once that isn’t about you.

BTW I am NC with an equally narcistic mother who favoured one child over the other. I only went NC when I saw that bias continue into GC. That crossed the line.

So younger daughter protects her younger brother while you passively observe. Younger daughter pays half your bills. Younger daughter has no other place to go yet you are sitting here contemplating whether you should be firmer with your younger daughter, just because your eldest doesn't fancy being away from her arsehole husband, yet she has her own home where she can stay. And you just want to make sure she feels like it's her home too. Well it is not. In fact your half of the house should be split in 3 or how many kids you have. So your eldest daughter has a very little share in that house and if she is not willing to stop her husband from being an arse to a 15 y.o., then she has no place in the house. I feel so sorry for your youngest. I wonder how she does not resend you already for being so passive.

So yr daughter is paying yr bills and when mortgage is paid off u r going to repay her by going against her wishes, sounds like u have used her.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5294742-is-this-houses-floorplan-too-cursed-to-buy

If you’ve got to wait years for the mortgage to be paid off, at which point your daughter will be able to leave and get her own place, who is the “we” you’re thinking of buying this house with? And how can you afford it?

Shouldn't trump older DD's needs doesn't mean the reverse either.

That's why I said she needs to talk to all three. Having 3 happy kids will always be better than having 2/3 happy kids.

Her older DD is paying for her husband's behaviour, no idea what he says to her when they're alone.

Better to have older DD in the fold where it's her safe space too, should the husband cross the line with her too.

Her elder DD is welcome at home, as has been pointed out many times. She just doesn't want to come without her jerk of a husband.

She can't have it every which way at the expense of her two younger siblings, one of whom is only a child and the other of whom is financially supporting their mother.

She can either come alone or she can make her husband apologise.

We don't know if she can "make" her husband apologise.
If there's any chance of abuse or he's banned her from visiting without him, I'd want the door open for her to come if she wanted to leave him.

Not sure what you have against OP talking to her 3 kids and trying to come to a resolution.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

I still don’t follow. The daughter can visit but she can’t bring. Her husband because he crossed the line with a child who lives in the house.

what are you suggesting - that the abusive husband is allowed on the house to ensure the older daughter’s needs are met?

Your posts don’t make sense

Makes no sense to you.

Where did I mention the husband visiting?

I said for OP to talk to her 3 kids and hopefully come to a resolution.

Mainly so the door is open for eldest daughter in case she's abused at her home.

That's my opinion, doesn't have to be the same as yours.

I am just trying to establish what your opinion actually is😂. But maybe I am am having a slow Sunday morning. I will tap out because I am no clearer!

Does your son even feel comfortable with BIL? Because he may well not want him in his safe space, even if he can't afford to pay anything because he is a child.

No, BIL can't be there while your daughter is paying to live there.

What resolution do you believe is possible here, if the eldest daughter can't make her husband apologise?

Telling her younger two children to just suck it up isn't a resolution.