Daughter won’t let her BIL come to the family home

[Proie]

It’s the family home but my youngest daughter helps pays half the bills so the boundaries are blurred. Daughter has been helping out since my ex left a few years ago. She is an angel.

My youngest daughter had a falling out with her BIL due to the way he was speaking to her younger brother (also lives at home). The BIL is married to my eldest daughter and they live in the town over.

BIL wouldn’t apologise. I didn’t witness anything, so stuck out it of it. Youngest daughter now ignores her BIL. She now thinks as the house is her personal sanctuary/personal space she gets a say in who comes around. I am not opposed to this in theory. I am not very social so it doesn’t really impact me. Eldest daughter obviously wants to come around.

I am piggy in the middle.

It won’t be for much longer as mortgage is ALMOST paid off.

Who is in the wrong? Should I put my foot down?

This.

She has gone above and beyond. OP has said:

'Youngest dd has put her life on hold. She plans to move out when the mortgage is paid. She has been a lifesaver. I told her she didn’t need to sacrifice so much but she wants me to keep the house for my retirement.'

Nobody can give you any advice without knowing what your SIL said to your DS and how he "crossed the line"

What does your eldest DD think about what BIL said to DS?

You need to stop being impartial. Tell elder daughter that her husband needs to apologise to your son and until he does, he is not welcome. She is welcome whenever she wants to visit.

A third party has said SIL crossed the line. That should be more than sufficient for you to demand he apologises.

Do you like your SIL or do you just put up with him for the sake of your eldest daughter? Your 15 year old doesn't like him, your younger daughter doesn't like him and an impartial third party said that he crossed a line.

This is not about being unreasonable. This is about your children’s well-being.

We are talking about a man who “crossed the line” with a 15 year old and won’t apologise. Your younger daughter has correctly clocked him as a wrong’un and wants to protect her brother, herself and probably you from this aggressive man.

The problem is that you know your eldest daughter is stuck with this man in a relationship where they “like to be together”. Deep down you recognise that there are red flags here. You’re reluctant to ban this man from the house because you’re scared that at some point your elder daughter will need you. You don’t want to force her to pick a side because you’re scared that she will pick his and then might not feel she can come to you for help if/when he “crosses the line” with her.

This is a really difficult situation and it makes sense that you feel torn. But you need to look at it head on and not minimise your daughter’s husband’s alarming behaviour.

It’s hard for us online to advise you, but there is someone in this situation who has a good head on her young shoulders and could talk it through with you: your younger daughter. She’s clearly a compassionate and courageous person.

Why not say to her “I want to protect you and your brother from this man, but I also want your sister to feel she can always come to me if he behaves like that with her. I’m worried that if we ban him from the house, she will become alienated from us and might not feel she can come to me for help. You saw this incident with him and I didn’t. Do you think your sister is safe with him? Do you think he’s dangerous? Or just an egotistical twit?”

A conversation like that might help to make up your mind. For me, if he’s just a proud idiot being enabled by your elder daughter I would ban him until he apologises. If I felt he was controlling, I’d consider contacting a DV charity for further advice, but they will probably suggest you protect your minor son first, and secondarily try to keep your lines of communication open with your eldest daughter.

If you do decide to invite your elder daughter’s husband back to visit, I would get both your younger children’s support first - it’s their home, and they have a right to feel safe in it. Your son is a child and that has to come first. Perhaps you can arrange for your son to have a fun night at a friend’s house and not expect him to have to sleep under the same roof as this man.

When you pay all of your way you get all of your say. You don't, so there it is.

Presumably you could have downsized and maintained your independence.

Aside from all that, both your dd's come before your son in law.

I think your son never warmed to sil because he quickly sensed what a nasty man he is. Children are often very attuned to these things and work people out long before most adults.

If a stranger adult man crossed the line with your son what would you do? How would you feel? Just because this man is married to your dd doesn’t really change that. He’s an unrelated man who was verbally aggressive to your son. No one should be verbally aggressive to anyone but especially not men to either women or children. It is our responsibility and duty as parents to show our dc, whatever sex, that we do not condone or tolerate men who are abusive. Violent aggressive men are an epidemic. Sitting on the fence is not an option in this. We must teach our daughters not to accept this and teach our sons it is abhorrent to behave this way.

You say you do not want to take sides but you already have, you have sided with an aggressive man. You have taught your young son that this behaviour is ok. You have taught your young daughter that we should put up and shut up and continue to allow these types of men in our lives and homes.

You can still support your eldest dd but you can also make it clear that this is not ok, then hopefully when she is ready to leave, she knows where to come and knows you will protect her. Go to her, speak to her, tell her why he’s not welcome, keep visiting and communicating, but don’t make anyone believe this is ok and can be swept under the rug.

Without knowing precisely what SIL did or said to your son no one can advise.

That being said, if my daughter felt that strongly about the way someone spoke to her sibling and others, who witnessed it, backed her up…’upsetting’ my adult child to support my youngest child (DS in your case) would be a no brainer

TBH I think it’s pretty disgraceful of your DD not to have said something to her DH about the way he spoke to her brother. Awful behaviour from everyone crept DD2 (who is helping you financially) and your DS. You, DD1 and SIL come across very badly here tbh

Your adult son in law had a massive go at your son, a teenage child, and crossed a line. He hasn't apologised.

SIL should not be in your home.

I don’t mean the details per se, but was it an argument, was it drunken invective, was it ‘jokey bantz’ that got out of hand etc.

OP is being deliberately vague probably because she knows she’s in the wrong staying ‘neutral’.

Picking a side is not at all easy, it risks ruining the relationship with one of OPs daughters. Accepting such a lot of help from the youngest daughter has given her a lot of power. I think all you can do is attempt to reason with younger daughter about how you feel about the relationship with her sister.
I would find this difficult and I think OP is in a very tricky situation. How old is the son and what did crossing a line consist of?

Yeah, she's been a bit coy on it. I think the consensus has been clear, so maybe enough for op to think about.

I sometimes think OPs disappear off to lick their wounds.

Yes but still, what actually happened?

Why won’t you say?

But still, it’s your son’s home too and he has been attacked by his sister’s aggressive husband. No idea why you’re staying ‘neutral’.

Her son is 15 but OP doesn’t actually say if he was younger when the fully grown adult verbally abused him in his own home…Either way, it’s child v. Adult and multiple people have told OP - including an independent - that BIL was out of order to DS. Yet OP is still flapping.

Sounds like your DD is the only one with decent boundaries.
BIL sounds abusive

So we have Dd , Ds don’t like Bil - who crossed a line witnessed by someone else .

so as your Ds is 15 you should be safeguarding him .

Dd who lives elsewhere can visit without Bil or staying the night .

you can always visit her .

she does have another home - your youngest don’t .

But it isn't your eldest daughter's home. It's your youngest daughter's home. Because she is the one paying the mortgage for it. So her opinion is the one that matters here.

No, your daughter (his wife) is. He's not. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have been an absolute arsehole and crossed a line with your son making himself unwelcome with his wife's family.

So not just your younger daughter witnessed your SIL cross a line with your 15 year old, a family friend witnessed it too and corroborated?

Did SIL get physical with your son?

Your older daughter can enable her dick husband bullying a teenager, but your younger daughter is right in not wanting him on the house that she also pays for. The guy won't even apologize! Fuck him. He should never cross your doorstep again. Older daughter can sulk and suck it up. Her husband caused trouble and he's no longer welcome.

Your younger daughter has strong family loyalty. She's helping you survive and she stuck up for her brother against an adult bully.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with youngest DD. I am sure you're very grateful for her help, it is your home first and foremost.

I wouldn't exclude my eldest daughter.

I don’t think it is about the contribution to bills. It’s more to safeguard the teenage son.

I would go with youngest dd wishes until she moves out. Bil sounds awful if your dd doesn’t want to visit you visit her

@Proie

How about you take your 15 yr old son's side? A friend told you that what your SiL said 'crossed the line'. IMHO that's nothing for a parent to 'stay neutral' about. And your eldest DD should understand if you take a stand about it because she'd want you to defend her in the same way. And you'd be taking a stand for your son, not because of your younger DD.

If you didn't need younger DD's financial help and your SiL had said what he said, would you really welcome him into your house? I wouldn't. My elder DD would be welcome but her husband wouldn't, until and unless he apologized.

You aren't going to be able to run with the hares and hunt with the hounds on this one. It's not about your younger DD, it's about your son.