Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

Of course she’ll get signed off for a month at at a time! She is sick and undergoing treatment and monitoring from her GP!

And when she is fit, which will likely coincide with her DSs recovery, she’ll be back to work.

HTH

Take your leave, OP. It's the right thing for you and your family and that's by far the most important thing. But frankly it's also often easier on companies and coworkers to know someone is going to be on leave for a while and set up cover than to have them in and out and (understandably) at a fraction of their usual capacity.

Best wishes you your little one.

yes, they are. No support, they expect me to work or to arrange "childcare" as they called it.

Oh, that makes it so difficult. I’m so sorry.

This might be completely impossible for a variety of reasons, not least financial, but might there be any possibility of paying someone (e.g. someone with experience of being a carer) to be in the hospital sometimes with your DC? I appreciate this might be a complete non-starter if DC would dislike it.

It’s understandable. You’re not fit to work. See your GP and ask for a fit note. You need to be well and strong to look after your DC. That’s what matters most.

Also, seek advice (e.g. from a union or Citizens Advice), as you’re unlikely to be able to take long-term sick leave without sick meetings etc. So, you may have to find a way to juggle care and work. Can your DC’s other parent or wider family take responsibility for care too?

Sending you all the best 💐

If colleagues holiday is at easter could you try working in the hospital until then? Even if some of your hours.

Been there done that! I've tried to work bedside - it's impossible. I've also taken time off which my manager gifted me. I've also taken an unpaid career break, and my own sick leave.

I've also worked with a colleague in a similar situation. She took the time needed and none of us resented it or asked what form of leave (paid or unpaid) she was taking.

You need to prioritise your health and your child's. Take the time off sick, as you will be stressed

If you get your self signed off on compassionate leave and are open with your employer (and thus your colleagues) they can plan around booked holidays, workload etc by getting temp help in.

May resent you if you try to muddle through and drop all the balls - dropping them in it - and then they’d feel dreadful as they know you are having a tough time. Best to just go and speak to your employer - your DC and your own mental and physical health at this point is the priority. Even an employer would appreciate this.

she’s clearly suffering with a reactive mental health issue.

Im very sympathetic to op and there should be financial support in situations like this, but I don't get this. "Reactive mental health issue"? Op is having quite a normal emotional response to a traumatic situation. How is that a mental health condition that is defined as "illness". Its completely situational and its very normal to react to a bad situation. Isn't the whole point of things like severe stress or clinical depression that you are experiencing them without reasonable cause - thus why they are a medical anomaly? Otherwise you would end up medicalising the normal range of emotions. Life is often hard, if we classify it as MH/illness every time we're miserable about a crappy situation no one would ever be in work

Just get signed off. Family comes first. I can't see how a holiday is your problem. Cover should have been arranged.

It means she can’t work, because currently she’s not well.

Even if it’s reactionary, she’s not fit to work.

It’s really that simple.

Of course she’ll get signed off for a month at at a time! She is sick and undergoing treatment and monitoring from her GP!

The issue being that she isn't undergoing any treatment at all.

OP - please stop second guessing how people might react or what might happen and focus on what you know.

Your child is very ill in hospital and you need to be with them.

The stress of the situation means you are unfit to go to work.

That is it.

How your colleagues may react or how work might handle the cover is not in your control nor your responsibility.

You said you job share. How many hours are you expected to work?

I personally think you need to take a couple of weeks sick to sort things out. It may be in 2-3 weeks you have settled into a routine, your DC mental health may have improved and you are able to work a few flexible hours.

Until she goes to her GP, then a discussion will take place.

If that discussion is, you’re not fit to work, you’re to unwell, then she is being treated.

Ive no doubt the GP will agree this, no medication is needed but it may be discussed and prescribed.

Lots of sick leave is situational. If a man plays rugby and breaks his arm, it’s situational. He’d be signed off sick if unable to work.

I would probably try to hold out until colleagues holiday but that doesn’t seem realistic after your last post. You should definitely ring in sick if you need to. It’s possible that your colleague will still be able to go on holiday, but that isn’t your issue. It’s between your colleague and your employer to sort out. You need to be there for your child and that takes priority.

It means she can’t work, because currently she’s not well

What do you mean "not well"? Her response is completely normal. As a society we are fucked if we start to classify normal emotions as health issues.

This is like when my nan died and 3 weeks after the gp was suggesting my grandpa was "depressed".

No - bereaved. Its completely normal to be down and mourn the loss of your wife of 50 years!

You are not well enough to work, and that stress and anxiety is clouding your decision. You aren’t responsible for arranging cover (I understand it’s technical but could the manager not even cover it themselves?) if not, it’s now 3-4 weeks to Easter so they have time to train a temp in the essentials if needs be.

even if you got a nurse in (and to be honest sounds like your kid needs you, not a random), you need some time to rest and recover yourself.

So? I've been signed off work without "undergoing any treatment".

You do know how long waiting lists are for mental health services right? Plus, what treatment is there? Being extremely stressed and worried about a sick child is a perfectly normal reaction.

@Jimisnotmyname it is understandable that you are stressed and considering taking sick leave for that. It is fine if for some of that off-sick time you are visiting sick dc in hospital.

What is NOT fine is hospital treating you like staff - that’s unfair. It is for them to provide the necessary care/specialist staff!

No wonder you are stressed. Them putting you in that position could make you feel worse/guilty/stretched.

Your work could allow you to work as flexibly as you need so you can go in multiple times and also perhaps let you work in the evenings and perhaps have catch-ups with other colleague but the hospital is out of line to have ‘expectations’ of you covering their lack of staff. While of course you want to support your child.

I think try to maintain boundaries between ‘visiting sick child often/child feeling reassured’ and ‘becoming a substitute extra unpaid hospital staff member’ which is how the last update makes it seem. Particularly if you do take some sick time due to stress - which you need as downtime, not another job.

Wondering if pressure can be applied to sort the more suitable alternative hospital somehow.

Have you ever had a DC seriously ill in hospital?

Your child and your health comes before a colleagues annual leave.
That is your employers problem to solve.
If your stressed and not able to cope how would you deal with work.
No you need to put yourself and your child first take the sick leave
Hope your child gets better soon