Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

Oh go away. When my baby son was dying in the NICU and his twin had already died, my husband was a shell of himself. Lost weight, stressed to the heavens and was unwell from it. He was put on sick leave. Have some empathy. A seriously ill child is life changing.

OP, take the leave and I hope your child makes a recovery. I've been there, it's so hard.

Its not for you to manage work loads and your colleague's annual leave. That's for management to organise. Give them enough notice and time to plan to provide cover for you which is fair all round.

Personally I went through something similar and worked through it. Just kept laptop on me and worked from hospital. It was a distraction for me and I was at peak anxiety. Not sleeping, not eating, almost manic. You'll get through it but take the time you need. I was also worried about losing my job so that was another worry stacked on top.

It doesn’t matter in the slightest what your colleagues think. Your child’s health alongside your own is what’s most important. Get signed off and let your managers do what they’re paid to do - to manage the workload/ annual leave and so on accordingly.

OP, look after yourself and get signed off. No reasonable and kind human being would resent you for going off with stress when you have a very poorly child in hospital.

Your colleague's annual leave isn't your problem. Any one of us could be better hit by a bus or something, management have to get on with it. I'd be furious with management as it's exceptionally unreasonable to cancel A/L, which you are legally entitled to.

I'm not scaring the OP I'm providing information that may be useful to them. The employer knows the root cause of this leave is parental. The OP wouldn't be suffering if their child was well.

There are lots of people spouting on about rights for the OP to have indefinite sick leave are incorrect that is not helpful, my comments won't lose her her job..others not understanding the nuances of employment law may well cost her her job.

I think you've been far too quick to dismiss unpaid leave. Why not start with two weeks of unpaid parental leave and see how you go? DO NOT struggle on as you are.
What is the plan for the easter holidays with your other children. I would approach this one step at a time. Now till easter, then the easter holidays, then post-easter. Differnet solutions each phase. Your DH as the higher earner should take his paid annual leave and you unpaid parental leave.

If you use it all up, things haven't improved, and you havent' come up with another solution - then think about sickness. But DO NOT i repeat DO NOT struggle on with no leave or accommodation or you will break down.

Exactly, I've been there sadly and my children didn't come home from hospital (baby twins) It's obviously personal experience but I'd have given up anything to have then even one more day. Its rubbish for the colleague but you never know what the future holds sickness wise and you hope that people will be gracious towards you.

This is exactly the type of situation that stress leave is for. Your manager can work out how the holiday will be covered

Get signed off, you’d be mad not to on full pay. You need to do what suits you, as they’d do what suited them.

Well actually you are incorrect, the OP is not automatically able to take time off sick. Mediation is part of the process to finding a mutually agreeable solution without risking the OPs job.

Looking back on this stressful time you'll be thinking more clearly. Your child is the most important thing. The rest isn't important. Let work figure it out. If you broke your leg, they'd have to figure it out without you. So they can do it now. Once you decide to get signed off you'll feel much better with the decision being made

Again, I’d laugh in your face. Or completely lose my shit at you.

I’ve been in a similar situation and my mental health was at rock bottom. I wouldn’t have given two shits about any workplace solutions when my child was sick.

It’s not going to be at the discretion of the company if they pay 6 months contractual sick pay and the OP has a medical practitioner sign her off as unfit for work for health reasons. She could be signed off with stress. You’d be brave/foolish as an employer to somehow assume you knew more about an employee’s health than a medical professional

Let’s be really honest here, you don’t accept mental health issues as being sick?

Actually I do. From bitter experience. I was in hospital a few years back for over a month being treated for an actual breakdown.

Being stressed and having a nervous breakdown are two very, VERY different things. Work? I barely knew what day it was. So, respectfully, you haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

What do you think you could do about it if she got a GP fit note signed by a medical practitioner that she was unfit for work? Unless you are a dr or obtain rebutting medical evidence?

You need to be signed off now, go to your doctor, they will give you a sick note, your child is very ill, I don't think anyone would blame you for doing this as it's the right thing to do. I was signed off for two months when my sister was terminally ill with cancer when I was in my 20s (she was two years younger than me). Technically I was the only one who could do the job but management found cover as that was their responsibility.

If my child was sick I'd do it again. Your family is more important than work.

Sending you love.💐

Yes, the employer would know that the root cause of the stress is her child being ill. However, you seem to be missing that the OP is discussing a potential situation where she is deemed not fit to work by her GP. Regardless of whether you accept the root cause or not, the GP has said she is not medically fit to work and will therefore be on sick leave according to her companies policies (so full pay for the first six months).

Are you suggesting that you would not accept a sick note in this situation and would instead try to mediate an alternative?

You are not legally entitled to sick leave if your child is sick. You are only entitled to sick leave if you are sick.

can you take a career break? Could you afford to take unpaid leave?

other option is to get signed off with stress as you do genuinely sound stressed

Oh, I agree... I've done so myself for MH issues. Not being able to work was the moment I knew I was really ill. OP saying she could work if needed, suggests she wasn't that sick.

Literally my job that I do all day and I’m not incorrect.

quote from the OP: I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything.

This is stress. Completely reasonable for her to take stress related absence.

Or would you rather she sat crying at her desk?

I’m also not wrong that employers get no say in how employees arrange their family. You don’t own them. It’s not the employer’s business. You pay them to do a job. If they are too sick to do a job, due to stress etc, you pay them sick pay. Like I said, If OP gets a sick note for stress, and has a very poorly child which is the situation causing the stress, there is nothing to mediate Unless you have a miracle cure that will heal her child instantly and cure her worry. I wouldn’t be worried about OP risking her job. Good fucking luck arguing at tribunal that it wasn’t a justified sickness absence.

Employers can’t tell their staff how to arrange their family life, in the same way they can’t tell their employees not to go to restaurants in case they get food poisoning. Or not to go to gigs in case they get a cold. It still wouldn’t take away that her child is sick, and this is the cause of her stress.

OP has recognised she isn’t coping due to non work related stress. She has asked for help and time off to manage this. Her employer has declined, so she will need to go off sick due to her non work related stress. Just because OP has tried to manage this without going off sick doesn’t mean it’s not a valid sickness.

True. And if she did work for a small business that was able to offer such a policy, it's got to be very likely they'd be funding it through insurance?

It really depends where you work. My team (community mental health service in the NHS) has a high amount of sickness due to stress and a couple of chronic conditions. There were times I was the only B6 nurse for many weeks on end.

I myself went off for three months whilst pregnant as my hormones triggered my OCD and I was in practically daily hysterics and not coping at work. A colleague went off for 6 months with bereavement. Another colleague went off for 3 months following hip replacement, then came back, then had the other done and went off again. Another colleague goes off quite unpredictably due to chronic migraines.

I've been off for 2 episodes of stress. The trust only starts proceedings when you've had 3 sicknesses (pregnancy doesn't count). The only person I've known to have been made to retire on ill health is someone who was out of work for nearly 3 years on and off due to chronic lung problems. I've never once been hassled whilst off sick with mental illness. I just have regular supportive contact with my manager.

OP is stressed and not coping. Many people would be the same with a kid in hospital. Stress is a valid reason for a sick note. I genuinely think people would not be coming down on OP if she needed time off for something physical. Also, stress IS physical as well as mental.

OP probably wouldn't be suffering if their child was well, but they aren't. Sometimes we become ill due to stressors in our life e.g bereavement, carer stress, etc. That's like saying 'well OP wouldn't be suffering if they didn't have cancer' or 'well OP wouldn't have developed depression if her dad hadn't died, so the root cause is compassionate reasons'. I wouldn't have gone off sick if I wasn't pregnant either, but it's a moot point, because I was.

I truly truly don't think any reasonable employer is going to question someone going off with stress with a sick child.

If I was your manager or colleague, I'd have nothing but sympathy. If needed, your manager should be able to arrange cover for you by hiring an extra person, short-term. They may choose not to, but that's their decision, and it's in no way your "fault", if other people end up being overstretched. That's poor management.

In the (hopefully unlikely!) event that someone is resentful of you having a sick child, quite honestly, they're vile. I wouldn't worry about the opinion of a person like that.

When you look back on your life, I highly doubt you'll regret not pacifying some dickhead in an office you used to work at, who you are no longer in contact with. But you will regret not being fully there, for a sick child when they needed you x

This is what the sick leave is for - use it. Hope your DC recovers 🙏🏽❤️

I’m an employer and in the first instance I would ask you if you want to consider reduced workload to support to keep you in (if you wanted) but if you didn’t, wouldn’t have any issue with you taking time off sick. X