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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text cheating at start of relationship

135 replies

Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:19

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

OP posts:
Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:22

It would be a no for me. How did your sibling respond? Why didn't they tell you about the messages?

peachgreen · 13/03/2025 15:23

Your SIBLING?! I might be able to forgive this if it was someone else they'd met on a dating app or whatever. But your sibling?!

Original poster
Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:25

Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:22

It would be a no for me. How did your sibling respond? Why didn't they tell you about the messages?

They didn't flirt back, however they did continue conversing with my partner, rather than shut it down.
Their defence for keeping it quiet was 'I didn't want to cause trouble and you were happy'.
I have seen a message from my sibling to my partner saying 'probably best we don't tell Pandolly'.

OP posts:
Justme2023123 · 13/03/2025 15:27

I just couldn't, @Pandolly. Not when it involves a family member.

Original poster
Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:29

I've hardly eaten or slept since I found out. It's really knocked the breathe out of me.
I love them, our relationship was going so well. I really never saw this coming.

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've done.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice.

If their response to tough things in life is to try to flirt and cheat (?) with their new partner's siblings ...... They should probably stay out of relationships and do a huge amount of work on themselves before they get into another one.

But anyway, I don't think I believe that.

Think of all the other ways you could respond to the situation/deal with the stress......what would most people do? Lean on family and friends? Get counselling? Lean on their partner?

But this person flirts with other people while on a relationship, and actually her/his new partner's sibling?.

I wouldn't really call that a typical response to stress or upset.

More like they're giving a sub story in the hope they'll get leniency.

They're just a chancer. And lacking basic integrity.

And as I said, if that truly is their response to stress, upset etc. ...... Maybe they're not a great person to be in a relationship with (?)

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've

How hyperbolic.

Bluenotgreen · 13/03/2025 15:33

Nope. Dump.

GiveMeSpanakopita · 13/03/2025 15:33

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:31

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've

How hyperbolic.

It's not just hyperbolic, it's a further red flag for me (the flirty texts being the first).

Lovebombing and emotional blackmail.

Get rid, OP!

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:35

To be honest- I think they weren't all that committed to you at the start and were trying to play the field, see what their options were .....they didn't get any other options, or none that they preferred, or they settled on you - for whatever reasons.

The point is ....they weren't honest about not being committed or exclusive, while they were happy to let you believe you both were, right?

Not a person of great integrity.

It being your siblings is just ....extra special shitiness.

workshy46 · 13/03/2025 15:35

Not a hope.. how would you ever feel comfortable around both again together
End it now, only 6 months in. Maye a stranger but your sibling ?? The absolute nerve , its so massively massively disrespectful. it would be the absolute end for me

Dreamskies · 13/03/2025 15:36

Hmm, I had similar with an ex. Outwardly a lovely person and good partner in many ways, but early on was still texting his ex (inappropriately). I let it go, but then every now and again it would happen again. I probably should have ended it at the start, rather than down the line when it was more hurtful for everyone. You live and learn.

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:36

GiveMeSpanakopita · 13/03/2025 15:33

It's not just hyperbolic, it's a further red flag for me (the flirty texts being the first).

Lovebombing and emotional blackmail.

Get rid, OP!

Show quote history

Yeah they are an emotional blackmailer ...both the "I was having such a hard time" (how bout all the people who go through hard times but don't flirt/try to.cheat?) and the "I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you!", while prostrating themselves.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 13/03/2025 15:40

Texting in the early days of dating when nothing is really official is fine. A sibling is never fine.
Even if I could forgive I could never forget and I’d be paranoid at every family event or with any contact they had for ever more. So it’s a no from me. Life is too short to feel insecure when there are literally billions of alternative options out there.

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:40

They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice.

Stupid ....we'll, they are stupid.

Do you want to hitch your wagon in life to someone stupid?

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:49

I find your sibling's behaviour weird.

If my sibling's new boyfriend/girlfriend started texting me flirtily; I wouldn't think "aw, she seems happy so I'll not say anything" ... I'd think "this person is inappropriate/dodgy .... I really don't want to upset my sibling but I'd better tell them".

I'd want to give my sibling the full facts and give them the opportunity to get shot of them, not let them get further and further invested while I know this person has been inappropriate.

ItGhoul · 13/03/2025 15:53

They were flirting with your sibling?!!

Yeah, I'd bin this one immediately.

Out of interest, did they have any existing friendship/contact with your sibling before you met, or did they only meet your sibling through you? Or did they meet them via a dating app without knowing they were your sibling?

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 15:57

Op, six months may seem like a long time and unfortunately it's more than long enough to catch feelings .... But in reality it's not a long time.

It takes a year or two to get to know someone well/properly.

You are now getting to know them properly and what you are learning is not good.

They acted very inappropriately early in the relationship..As someone said above ....maybe in the early days of a relationship, with no real commitment or investment made and people still a bit flighty/indecisive/having some bonds to others that haven't been broken fully etc. ..- not great, but this .....your boyfriend/girlfriend's sibling?!!

It'd a while other issue.

At six months, they're not your partner. They haven't earned the title of partner. They're just a boyfriend/girlfriend. And they're looking pretty skeezy.

Maybe cut your losses and try to find someone who doesn't act so inappropriately.

Crunchymum · 13/03/2025 15:57

I'm far too old fashioned for this "they" shit. Maybe it's just me but it makes it so much harder for me to actually get to the crux of the issues.

Flirty messaging a random in the early days could possibly be forgiven but flirty texts with my sibling - nope!!

How do "they" even know your sibling?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/03/2025 15:57

Pandolly · 13/03/2025 15:29

I've hardly eaten or slept since I found out. It's really knocked the breathe out of me.
I love them, our relationship was going so well. I really never saw this coming.

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've done.

And that's just it isn't it. "they'll spend their life...."

Because you'll spend your whole life knowing that this happened and could happen again.

Every single time your partner and sibling interact for the rest of your life, you'll be wondering if he's hitting on her again.

Is that what you really want for yourself?

FatLarrysBanned · 13/03/2025 15:58

They said they'll spend their life trying to prove to me that I can trust them again and try to fix what they've done.

No-one should be having that conversation 6 months into a relationship.

At this stage it should be hot sex, going on dates, feeling giddy as a kipper when you think about them and making tentative plans for your first weekend away/holiday. Please don't say you live with them already...

Crunchymum · 13/03/2025 15:58

How did you find out about the messages?

StrawberryDream24 · 13/03/2025 16:00

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/03/2025 15:57

And that's just it isn't it. "they'll spend their life...."

Because you'll spend your whole life knowing that this happened and could happen again.

Every single time your partner and sibling interact for the rest of your life, you'll be wondering if he's hitting on her again.

Is that what you really want for yourself?

Show quote history

And I don't find your sibling's behaviour too kosher either.

Didn't tell you and told your new bf/gf they'd better keep it to themselves.

Not exactly got your back!

It might be an unpleasant conversation but it was one they needed to have with you.

Look at what they've contributed to instead .... You're deeply hurt, you wouldn't have been this hurt 5 weeks in.

Original poster
Pandolly · 13/03/2025 16:03

I don't live with them no.
We tend to see each other once or twice a week, text and speak on the phone every day.

They met my sibling through me, they didn't know each other beforehand.

My sibling feels they've done nothing wrong, however keeping it from me and encouraging the conversation is bad enough.

OP posts:
Lemon1111 · 13/03/2025 16:05

I think maybe I could get over someone I didn’t know, but not a sibling…it’s just going to be awkward now forever

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