Text cheating at start of relationship

[Pandolly]

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

My sibling feels they've done nothing wrong, however keeping it from me and encouraging the conversation is bad enough

Odd behaviour.

And that's being kind.

When your sibling's new bf/gf is acting inappropriately - it might not be an enjoyable conversation (and you might think they'll dismiss it); but you need to tell them.

Ew, sorry I could not continue a relationship knowing a partner was attracted to, and went sniffing around my sister.

Anyway, their excuse is that they were "stupid".

Do you really want to make your live with someone who's brand if stupidity inches flirting and making sexual innuendoes to their bf/bf's sibling?

And their other excuse ....Do you really want to make your life with Simone whose response to stress/hardship is to flirt with and make sexual innuendoes to their bf/gf's sibling? Kind of a weird response to stress/hardship

In fact not one I would be inclined to believe.

But a good excuse/distractor and "guilt-er" to throw in when caught.

I agree. Yet everyone so far has said 'they didn't do anything wrong, it's not their fault'.
Yet I think not doing anything, is doing something wrong.

A friend believes this was the only time, as when I mentioned to my partner that I knew about the texts, I didn't mention my sibling at all, yet they knew immediately who I was talking about. A friend thinks this shows there's no others as my partner wouldn't have known who's messages I'd have been talking about.

I'm finding it hard. I have very strong feelings for the, they say the same. Everything has been so respectful, and just how it should be. (Before I knew about this obviously). We have always had good communication with any issues, being together has always been peaceful and fun.
I genuinely never ever thought they'd be capable of this.

Yet everyone so far has said 'they didn't do anything wrong, it's not their fault'.
Yet I think not doing anything, is doing something wrong.

Who is everyone?

Your sibling is obviously defending themselves - whether they truly believe they're right or not.
(And I'd be interested to hear their opinion if the circumstances were reversed and you didn't tell them!).

If family members say that, they probably just don't want to appear to take sides.

If your friend/s said that ....I strongly disagree.
Your sibling definitely should have told you. You might have dismissed it but at least they'd have tried to do the right thing.

Their very poorly judged "discretion" has just caused you much more pain than it would have 5 weeks in.

And if it was me, I'd be thinking "if they act like this to her sister, how do they act to randoms?". I'd worry they'd be doing that with other people. I wouldn't want to leave you, unknowing, in that situation.

A friend believes this was the only time, as when I mentioned to my partner that I knew about the texts, I didn't mention my sibling at all, yet they knew immediately who I was talking about. A friend thinks this shows there's no others as my partner wouldn't have known who's messages I'd have been talking about.

Why is the bar being set at "at least they've not been doing it to several people, at least they've only done it to my sibling"???

Is that a good bar?

I'm far too old fashioned for this "they" shit. Maybe it's just me but it makes it so much harder for me to actually get to the crux of the issues.

Why? Regardless of the genders of the people involved, one person flirted with their partner's sibling. What difference does it make what gender any of those people are? All women, all men, or any combination of women and men - it makes no difference to what actually happened.

No you're right.

I actually think - while still not being behaviour I'd advise someone to stay in a relationship with - flirting with randoms in the early days of a relationship would in many ways be less bad than flirting with and making sexual innuendoes to your sibling.

The sibling aspect brings an element of inappropriate-ness and lack of boundaries and iciness etc.

It's like the whole Ryan Giggs thing.
You find out he's been shagging around on his wife, you think "shitty person".
You find out one of his shags has been his brother's wife, you think "fucking hell, he's got no normal boundaries or decency whatsoever. You don't go there".

How did they get your siblings number and who initiated the text?

sounds like your sibling is as deceitful as your partner to not shut it down and tell you immediately
I wonder how honest they are both being

I would have said if the rest of your relationship has been great since, some texts when you were getting to know each other aren’t a big deal. But your sibling???? Absolutely not. Bloody weird never mind how disrespectful and frankly embarrassing. Get rid.

"I have very strong feelings for them*

You have very strong feelings for the person you thought they were.

What would you have done if - 5 weeks in - you'd discovered this about them?

They, and your sibling, have deprived you of that choice. They've made this much more painful for you.

But you will recover from this.

Ps your sibling is a tramp, sorry. I wouldn’t be bothering with either of them going forward. Just be warned they might get together as they don’t seem to have any sense of decency.

Your sibling continued this text exchange and never told you? Completely out of order.
What happens the next time he’s going through a stressful situation, will he do the same and just choose someone you don’t know? He’s learned that you’ll accept being deceived if you stay. And probably just get cleverer next time.
How could you spend your life at family events seeing them together and knowing that neither of them respects you?
Bin him now or this will only be the start of many similar posts for your relationship.
You can’t get trust back when it’s broken less than 6 months in. You’ll always have doubts. Find someone who won’t treat you like this.

Your sibling isn't any better than your (hopefully ex) partner.

The appropriate response of a sibling to receiving flirty texts from their sibling's new relationship is Yuck! And shooting them down in a barrage of hellfire for even thinking it was appropriate. Then telling said sibling.

Your partner knew who you were talking about because it was your sibling and therefore the only one you would likely to find out about texts. They won't be the only one they've been flirting with.

The relationship is not strong, couple of times a week for 6 months is barely anything. You can do better. Raise your bar. This one is a tripping hazard.

This is really gross. How are you going to attend family events together with this on your mind?

I'd be amazed if your sibling was the only one they'd messaged like this. And if they are the only one....then he must really, really fancy them to break his normal behaviour of not doing this.

Your partner knew who you were talking about because it was your sibling and therefore the only one you would likely to find out about texts. They won't be the only one they've been flirting with.

That's true.

It's not really the irrefutable evidence your mate thinks it is that they've only acted this way to your sibling.

This

Hard no. Ditch him.

How did you find out? I'm guessing he didn't confess?

The thought of the sibling and the partner exchanging sly glances etc at family events, ugh!!! I bet they said “it’ll be our secret/just between us”. The pair of them would make you sick!

Trying to hook up with your sibling?

Fuck no.

Now you know your "friend" (this is not a partner) and your sibling are both untrustworthy and have zero care about your feelings. Your "friend" is too shitty to make partner unless you're a doormat.

Anyone whose stress response is to cheat with the most inappropriate person they can find is not a keeper if you want a happy life. This is the early days when they should be on their best behaviour, not at their scummiest.

I’d run as fast as you can. If you hadn’t yet agreed to being exclusive and he was keeping his options open that’s one thing, but to be messaging other people when you’d committed to each other AND that person being your sibling is a boundary crossing that defies belief. I can’t even think why on Earth you would entertain staying with him when he betrayed your trust so clearly and so early, and when you would never be able to rest easy about the relationship with him and your sibling again.

I appreciate everyone's views, even if they're not what I want to hear at the moment.
Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable 😕

I think I'm so so hurt because I've never been betrayed like this before. I've had the usual shit relationships with lies and stuff, but never one where I've cared so much about the person and then found out about such deceit.

How can a person be so perfect but has done this. I can't wrap my head around it. I genuinely felt I'd found the person I'd be with forever. I feel a part of it with my sibling is jealousy, they showed their dislike to me being in a relationship from the start, yet did this and I can only think it was from a jealousy point and they liked the attention.

It appears your sibling did not return the flirtation/sexual innuendo and implied he (?) was being foolish, inappropriate etc but that they would do him a favour and not tell you.

(That definitely wasn't a favour to you, but anyway ..).

What I'd want you to think about is what would have happened if your sibling had returned the flirtation/sexual innuendo.

Was he going to cheat on you with your sibling?
Or dump you for your sibling?
Or just keep flirting and being sexual to your sibling?
Or do that for a while but kindly stop at some point?

None of them are possible scenarios that you would ever have been facing with a decent person.

I don't think he/she did it because they were going through a hard time. I think he/she fancied your sister when they met and decided to flirt with them/come onto them and see what happened.
Because they're that sort of person.

They're not magically a different person six months later.

Even if they didn't have feelings for you at that time - perfectly understandable at 5 weeks in - a decent person still would not be behaving like that.

They would just think "her sister's hot but I'm seeing her/I met her first. You don't go there."

(If they thought they'd met the love of their life (in your sister) through you, a decent person would end the relationship with you and give it a loonnng ass time and then approach your sister. Even then they would understand that having dated one sibling, it might never be ok with everyone to date another).

How can a person be so perfect but has done this.

At 6 months in, you are very much in the middle of the honeymoon period.

The fact is, you only thought they were perfect because you didn't know they were coming on to (or at least flirting with) your sibling early on.

And as I said, your sibling - while they should definitely have told you - apparently did not reciprocate .... So his behaviour could have been much worse if that hasn't been the case.

At 6 months, you are still getting to know him.

You now know this.

The sooner you get rid, the sooner you can get on with finding a partner who hasn't crossed a line like this. Just saying.

The first year of my last relationship was amazing and I truly thought I’d be with him forever. I’d never felt love like it.
Then when the honeymoon period ended the wheels started falling off and I realised that it wasn’t as perfect when we got down to real life and all that entails. He didn’t cheat but it felt like it when his words and actions never aligned.
You’ve found this out only 6 months in, and you’ll get over the hurt. Not immediately but you will. You didn’t see him as he actually is, you couldn’t in just 6 months. It’s painful but you really have to move on from him.