Text cheating at start of relationship

[Pandolly]

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

The beginning of the relationship is when it’s amazing and the honeymoon period. The fact they were already doing this is worrying plus your sibling should have told you then, what a snake!

Why are you blaming your sibling? He did the flirting, your sibling didn’t flirt back, and also tried to protect you (not that I agree with it)

I think your sibling ignored it. That’s a tough call on them.

Your BF is a bit grim. I’d just cringe at him and it would die its own death.

Is he Italian or of Italian origin?

What was his pretext for messaging her if she lives quite far away and they'd only met once (or a small number of times)?

Well op you've tried to do everything in a measured, sensible way ....not rushing into a new relationship, not introducing your children quickly...... unfortunately the first person you've really clicked with has turned out to have this side.

If you continue to be sensible & wise, and to protect yourself and your kids; I think you know the route to take.
Not everybody you get involved with is going to pan out into a good long term relationship.
It's painful but ...

(And your sibling is partly to blame for how painful it is, though I think their motives for not telling you were probably not all bad. They maybe just thought they'd get blamed and you wouldn't end it with him. They said you seemed very happy and maybe they're being honest in saying they didn't want to wreck that (even if it wasn't really them wrecking it)).

Anyway this is a glaring red flag in a relationship.

His excuses don't fly. Boohoo I was going through a hard time so I came onto your sister, with a cheesy (no pun intended) suggestive convo about food.

I agree with the poster who said maybe he's good at mirroring etc. His messages when caught are certainly full of manipulation.

Yes "sniffing around your sister" is exactly what they've done! You've nailed it! 👌
OP Big.red.flag. Drop like a stone.
Also, your Sister. She hasn't got your back either. A true sibling would immediately flag this up with you instead of watching slyly from the sidelines when she knew exactly what he was like.
You need to have a long chat with her about appropriate sibling behaviour. She will have to prove herself as loyal now but I'd keep an eye on her in future.
Be thankful they've shown you who they are early on.
Do what you know deep in your heart is the right thing.
You can do MUCH better than this. Fact.

@Pandolly jeeze no way ! Family members ( especially sister ) and best friends are just no go areas to any decent person.

It’s only been 6mths and this is too close to home to ever be normal .

It would be over for me.

Yes, half.

OMGJuat read the screen shots. Your sibling has deflected a lot so seems neutral ie not part of it. They however are a massive sleaze.
Drop like a stone! Today xxx

I always find it useful to reverse things.

I find we still let men away with a huge amount compared to women.

So, let's set the scene

You are seeing him for 5 weeks, you both presumably think you're exclusive. You meet his brother once or more. You have his brother's number for whatever reason. You message his brother, talking about food preferences in an odd, sexually suggestive way.
What does that say about you?

His brother doesn't tell him for wherever reasons, he finds out 5 months later, sees the suggestive messages .....do you think he'd still be involved with you? Do you think he'd accept "oh, I was going through a hard time with my ex, the kids, my family" as an excuse? He wouldn't find that weird and rather inexplicable?

Do you think he'd believe your protestations of deep.love and feelings having always been true and blah blah?

Wouldn't he be thinking "if your feelings have been true and genuine for me all along, how come you were messaging my brother suggestively 5 weeks in?"

He wouldn't be discounting you as a long term partner because you came onto his own brother, having got his number through him??

I think you'd be booted out.
I think he'd have a few choice names for you.
I don't think he'd want you around his kids.

If he didn't do that, I'd be worried about his mental health and self esteem and judgement, to be honest.

Ah, so even more personal/suggestive then.

The "Italian" food represents him.
The Italian she apparently "needs" is him, right.

I feel so stupid 😪

That's horrific. Sorry this happened, your partner is a massive creep and weirdo. There's no coming back x

I thought the same . Best take his small violin from him.

Oh please ! Pathetic .
Rest of his life ? he will be out looking for the next one soon enough.

Why has your sister waited 5 months to tell you now?

I know! And how did he get her number?

@Pandolly i don’t agree your sister ignored it .
Her replied are planting the seeds for more innuendo .
She should have told him to piss off. .

Why? You didn't make the Italian Stallion be a prat?

You are the only non stupid person out of the three of you.

Though, giving your sibling the be efit of the doubt, I think she minimised it and didn't want to be "responsible" for potentially wrecking the new relationship you seemed v happy in.

They will have been and probably will be texting others the same.

Wht would you even bother to continue after 6 months? They’ve shown you who they are early.

Why were you already encouraging a relationship between this new boyfriend and your primary school-aged children? And how long had that been going on? Why were you facilitating them speaking on the phone, him asking about their homework etc? Him professing to care deeply about them etc already?

When you couldn’t possibly have known him properly after 6mo. And when it’s turned out he’s actually a sexually-suggestive sleaze who thinks nothing of sending unsolicited sexually-suggestive messages to members of your family?

😳

Your sibling behaved appallingly.

Ditch the partner, it would be grim if they were messaging anyone like that but your sibling is a new low

How did you find out @Pandolly

Those messages are utterly grim. he was just salivating over her. No woman is out of bounds for him, not even your sister.

The messages were over 1 conversation. Conversations before and after were 'normal'.

I think he tested the water to see if she'd respond to normal messages and not contact you saying "why on earth is your new bf messaging me?" (unless there was some pretext), then when she responded and he didn't have you saying "my sister says you're messaging her, why are doing that when there's no need?", he escalated to the come-on, then when she didn't bite and implied it was inappropriate (but that she wouldn't drop him in it), he scaled it back to normal. He knew he couldn't keep pushing it.

He knew he was sailing very close to the wind and he knew he was risking your sister telling you; that's why he immediately guessed, even 5 months later, that it was about your sister when you confronted him.

I'm sorry but I can't think of any reason that a man going out with a woman would be messaging the woman's sister saying what she needs is to try an Italian (i.e him) if he wasn't interested in hooking up with her. It seems like at that point he honestly thought he would fuck around with two sisters at the same time.

There's not really any getting past that.

That's his character.

It didn't happen because he was going through a hard time. No-one becomes Iike that because they're having a hard time, if they're not like that.

Hard times don't turn non opportunistic chancers with normal boundaries around siblings; into opportunistic, sleazy chancers who have no boundaries around their romantic interest's siblings.

Maybe he is lots of other (good) things too, people aren't one dimensional. But the important thing is that he is the above.