Text cheating at start of relationship

[Pandolly]

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

I feel a part of it with my sibling is jealousy, they showed their dislike to me being in a relationship from the start, yet did this and I can only think it was from a jealousy point and they liked the attention.

It's possible there's an element of jealousy or competitiveness and that she kept schtum partly because she liked the feeling of knowing that your bf fancied her and flirted with her/came onto her ..and that'd she'd always know that (and you wouldn't).
That she could tell herself that he may be with you, but unbeknownst to you, he'd have cheated with her or left you for her if she'd reciprocated (I'm not saying he would have, just that people tend to be egotistical) .....and she wouldn't have that smugness and superiority about your relationship if she had told you and you (likely) dumped him.

It's possible.

But the fact remains that it appears he started the flirtation and sexual innuendo, and that she did not reciprocate or escalate it.

And even if she was flirtatious etc. in person - a decent guy would just be like "right, her sister fancies me/is flirty ...not going there!". They would just avoid the situation. Not seek it out by messaging her, being flirty etc.

"I genuinely felt I'd found the person I'd be with forever. "

And now you know your feelings can fool you. Their perfection was an illusion, just something you projected onto them. You didn't really know this person, you saw what you wanted to see.

Dump the scum bucket, then take time for yourself. You're going to have to take a deep look at some of your relationships like with your sibling and figure out what will work for your long term goals and interests.

Whether your sibling is jealous & competitive or not, he's still a problem.

A decent guy who fancies his girlfriend's sister or thought she fancies him (or senses some unhealthy sibling jealousy/rivalry) would stay well clear, not be messaging the sibling flirtatiously and with sexual innuendoes.

Yuk. Bye bye.

It's amazing how many people have stressful situations that can only be relieved by sexting someone or in my case, abusing them. (Me being the victim).

Btw no one is perfect and neither is he.

I think what would always bother me is, if my sibling had been receptive to their texts, what would've happened? Would he have dumped you and moved on to them?

Bin.

Re. your sister; people are also rarely black and white, super simple.

Her behaviour could have had a whole mix of motivations behind it;

Not wanting to hurt you by telling you.
Not wanting to be the bad guy who broke up your new relationship.
Not wanting to be accused of jealousy.
Thinking he was being foolish/inappropriate but maybe it wasn't bad enough to tell/drop him in it.
Maybe some unpleasant competitive satisfaction/superiority that your bf was interested in her to some extent.
Thinking that you might still stay with him and then things would be awkward as fuck
Etc. etc.

It's probably not just one simple reason/motivation.

He's shown you who he is with his actions. My advice is to believe him. You will look back and be glad that you walked away.

I let something like this go early in my relationship with my dh. I found flirty messages with his 'work wife'. He swore it was nothing, I kicked him out but a couple of weeks later took him back after much begging. Something was broken, to be honest but I tried to ignore it and bury it.

Found out a year ago he'd had a year long affair, probably not the first one. I'm two kids and a mortgage in now, and I wouldn't change my babies for the world but I would leave him if I had my time again. You deserve a real, proper love.

My sister's husband came onto me one night and I never told her about it. He was really drunk, he apologised afterwards.
I think if they'd only been going out for 5 weeks I would have told her, to warn her away from him. But as they were married and have kids I didn't want to throw a grenade into their lives.
I also feel like I'd get the blame, even though I didn't do anything.

OP I think you should leave him/her. They'll do it again the next time theyre having a hard time.

Dump. You don’t know someone after 6 months, as this proves.

Oh come on. Having a tough time at home does not translate into make a pass at your girlfriend's sibling for heaven's sake.

This is a message I received from them.

All my feelings and how I feel about you have always been true and genuine... Whether you believe me or not that's God's honest truth.
I know I don't deserve anything but hate.
I truly and genuinely am sorry for everything. Every moment we spent together with each other was real... And my feelings for you are real...
But like you said... I don't deserve a second chance.... I just wish that you know my feelings for you have always been genuine and real. I really hope you know that.

Once again I will carry this for the rest of my life and I am truly sorry. I am still that person who gave you comfort when you were down, I am still that person who gave you a hug when you needed it, I am still that person who truly cares about (my children), I am still that person who is always going to love you no matter what.

I am just so sorry. I really am.

Jesus 🤮
Self pitying manipulative twaddle.
He’s still the person who tried to bed your sister.

I am still that person who gave you comfort when you were down, I am still that person who gave you a hug when you needed it

More emotional blackmail

I am still that person who truly cares about (my children)

He's got children?

What happened with the mother of the children? Do you think you got the full/true story of how that broke down?

I was thinking this was some young, relatively inexperienced man who was carried away with fancying the sister of his new gf and not used to being in relationships etc. ....but he's a grown adult father with an ex wife/partner (?)

That makes it even worse in my eyes.

Also people who say "the God's honest truth" remind me of people who say "I swear to God/I swear on the lives of my . ." ...... there's no need for such hyperbole if you're actually honest.

All my feelings and how I feel about you have always been true and genuine..

There are cheaters & abusers who swear blind, crying, that they love their partner.

And maybe they do.

As much and in the manner that they can love someone.

But the love of a cheater/abuser/whatever is not really worth having. Because they can cheat on someone or abuse someone while "loving" them.

So he's saying he has always had genuine feelings for you ..... Yet while he had these feelings, he was flirting with and making sexual innuendoes to your sibling behind your back; so we can conclude that his feelings aren't all that valuable (as the recipient).

(Since he does shit that no decent person would do, while feeling them)

@Pandolly They said they'd spend their life proving that they can be trusted and will fix it?!???

No mate. They will WASTE your life with their duplicitous bullshit, making you doubt everything. Ask me how I know .. Many years later I've finally extracted myself from the bullshit, but lord almighty I wish I'd ended it back then, at the stage you're at now.

Heed these wise women's words on this thread and put yourself first by ending it.

Op, from your words and his - it's obvious that both of you have gotten into this "love of my life, soul mate, together forever" narrative ...... It's been six months, you were in the honeymoon period. That sort of thing (and there's no one soul mate or love of your life) is only proven over a long time.

This narrative is not helping you.

I read that being OP’s children

No sorry, I deleted the names as I didn't want my children's names on here. But it was my children's names referenced, from my previous relationship.
My partner hadn't met them yet, although spoke over the phone, and was always asking after them daily.
They have no children themselves.

I do appreciate the honesty from you all.
I'm sure we have all been in situations where our emotions cloud our judgement so outsiders views are valuable in helping to see things more clearly.

I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice.

I don't think it was "stupid".

He's calling it stupid now and it seems stupid to him now (now that he's been caught out) buI I'd really doubt he did it out of "stupidity". He clearly thought he'd be flirty & suggestive to your sister and see how it went. There were motivations/intentions behind that. Maybe he sees those motivations (ego, gratification at the very least).as stupid now, but they were worth going after to him back then. Even though he was already supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with you, and this was your sibling.

Oh good grief. That's a hard no for me. Gross!