Text cheating at start of relationship

[Pandolly]

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

Your sister should have told you at the time and getting rid of him would have been nowhere near so painful and upsetting, but .. you can only deal with things as they are now.

That is deal breaking behaviour and I wouldn't advise anyone to trust him or invest in him.

Not everyone is going to turn out to be a prospective long term partner.

And at least you hadn't actually introduced your kids, which (in spite of self righteous Mumsnet posters' opinions) many women would probably have done by now.

I've just been to the gym and got out a lot of my pent up feelings.

I am still so torn. I know I'm even stupid for considering giving them 1 chance and I'm sure you'll all think I'm crazy.
But I'm not about to make that decision yet as I clearly need to think carefully and with less heated emotion leading my thoughts.

I have work, and a busy weekend, which should take my mind off things and give me the space I need.

Op, you're not stupid

You've been in an intimate romantic relationship for months, and clearly he's been telling you he sees it as permanent and you have come to think of him as your future life partner (even though it's relatively early, it's easy to think like that).

For that to disappear in a matter of hours is not an easy thing.

You are not a robot. You can't just turn off your feelings.

However, I don't think anyone could advise you to give someone a chance who was coming onto another woman .....and 100 times worse, your sister - in the early stages of your relationship.

Would you have done that to him (or to anyone) ??
The answer is undoubtedly no, and would always be no.

No decent person would act like that.

His excuse isn't really convincing.

There is no temporary insanity that makes you act like that.

He contacted her, unnecessarily (?) He stayed appropriate/tested the waters, then he tried it on, then he backed off when she didn't escalate, and when she tried to draw a line under it with the "I don't think we should tell her about this". She was letting him off the hook and he knew it. He also knew that might not last/be totally reliable; so he knew exactly what you were taking about when you confronted him. It was probably in the back of his mind and should have been.

It's not the behaviour of anyone you'd want to trust your heart and family (you'd be introducing him to your kids sooner or later) to.

It's exceptionally low integrity and skeezy.

I think you need a lot of time without contact with him, to absorb and process this.

You don't need to make a decision in the immediate future.

He's known about this for 5 months.

You haven't had that advantage! You can take as long as you like to process this.

And whatever you decide is not binding. You owe him nothing. Less than nothing given his behaviour.

Just to add - 5 weeks into a new relationship is when someone is supposed to be at peak excitement about you. You're both in the most new, exciting stage of a relationship. You'd be thinking about them loads, thinking about intimacy with them, looking forward to intimacy with them, trying to look and smell (?) your best for them, trying to think of nice dates, thinking of nice things to do for them etc. ..... Generally you are focused on (only) them.

What was he doing? Using whatever pretext to contact your sister, chatting with her seemingly totally unnecessarily (going by that bit of conversation anyway), flirting and - if she'd reciprocated/escalated - what was he doing next? (Since he essentially offered himself on a plate, no pun intended given the conversation, by saying he was what she needed).

He wasn't focused on you. To the contrary he was using your sister's contact details (gained through you) to come onto her as well - while presumably romancing you. He was trying to play the field, and with your effing sister, at that.

If that's what he's like when he's in the exciting, (should be) single minded stage of a relationship, you have to wonder how he'll be (behind your back) in the more boring or difficult stages of a relationship.

If you have a daughter or daughters, I wouldn't like to think how he'll be acting towards her when she passes puberty (and you're middle aged); because sisters are apparently fair game to him so ...

He doesn't want dumped because he's got himself a woman, who was faithful, nice, responsible, probably attractive (I'd imagine both you and your sister are) and ateotd his little attempt at getting her sister early on didn't go anywhere, and after 6 months, he knows she definitely won't be touching him now.

He just doesn't want kicked out in the 'cold" with no-one. And I doubt he wants to explain to his family and friends why your apparently going brilliantly relationship suddenly ended either.

Sorry that smell was supposed to have an exclamation mark after it, not a question mark.

I'm not implying anyone smells 😀

Your sister? Absolutely off limits. Yes he'll do it again, you don't share the same boundaries. Sack him.

Fwiw I would never trust your sister in life either.

I have no idea what she thought she was doing having one on one/private "getting to know you", chatty, unnecessary text conversations with your new boyfriend (unless this evolved from a convo about something necessary, even then it's not great).

She should have nipped them in the bud quickly and she should have told you.

You feel there is a jealousy/competition or something going on with her, and that wouldn't appear to be unfounded, because her behaviour was not kosher either.

That doesn't make him not the problem though.

Sorry, I skim read your thread to see if there was anything else worth saying now that it appears to be winding down and I feel like I have to say re. this, that you're wrong.

So as you can see, it's not outright coming onto them

"Bland? Well do you know what is missing? .....
Some Italian flavour and love, and that would be irresistible."

It is outright coming onto her.

Because he's referring to himself (using puns around food).

It is an outright come-on. He's not good heartedly & disinterestedly suggesting she find herself some random Italian man, he's referring to himself.

Your sister then defects with the pizza comment.

He keeps trying with the suggestive "pizza is messy ... unless you like messy?" comment.

Etc. etc.

It is an outright come-on. It might not be "wanna fuck?" but how often does anyone say that, especially when they're testing the waters with their girlfriend's sister.

Good hairy grief. Those messages are so puerile. This guy is lame AF.

@Pandolly, I’m sorry that you’ve suffered this double betrayal.

So a ‘tough family situation’ caused your BF to make a sleazy move on your sister?? Spare me. He fancies her and decided to chance his arm, and got a buzz from trying it on. It is disturbing that he so easily gave himself permission to cross that taboo line. As his boundaries and integrity are at zero, I don’t believe this was his only episode of infidelity and disloyalty.

This guy is capable of a hiding much deception behind a smiling and loving facade. Be aware that his current crocodile tears and dramatic, flowery words are a calculated manipulation tactic. The good deeds he is reminding you of are surely tainted by his defiling your relationship and subsequent subterfuge.

Stay with this con artist at your own peril, @Pandolly. You have been blessed with the knowledge of his taboo transgression and poor character, so you’d be very foolish to put your future in his hands.

As for your Sister, I would go low contact with her. She failed to read BF the riot act when he came on to her. She colluded with him to dupe you by hiding his sexual overture from you, and in doing so they robbed you of your agency and consent.