Text cheating at start of relationship

[Pandolly]

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.
I found out a few days ago, that 5 weeks into the relationship, they had text my sibling with some flirty messages with a few sexual innuendos. It occurred only at this time, and not since, and not with anyone else that I know of.

I am extremely hurt and at the moment am unsure if the relationship can continue. I don't know if I can build back the trust that has been broken.

They appear regretful, have profusely apologised and even shed tears saying they don't want to lose me.
I asked why they did it. They said they were just really stupid, that they were going through a tough family situation (which is true) and made a stupid choice. But is this all sincere, I don't know now as the trust is broken and I find myself questioning things.

I suppose I'm after outside views on this situation.
Would you forgive and give them another chance?
Would it be a firm no?
Have you found yourself in the same situation?

I've asked for some space to try and gather my thoughts.

So AIBU, and can people really make a genuine mistake, never to repeat it?
Or AINBU and this is likely to happen again?

This. With bells on.

Yep. He's saying that when he's stressed, this is how he will behave and he will justify it based on being stressed. What a turd.

Look at how many times he said "I" as opposed to "you." It's all about him and his precious feelings. Look at how he manipulates you by reminding you of the good things he's done, and all he can come up with is a hug and a bit of comfort at that. Does he want applause for doing the bare minimum?
He's inadvertently giving you a roadmap to discover who he really is.

Your SIBLING??? I'd be fuming with both of them tbh, and cutting them both off. Only you know if you can move past it, but it would be a deal breaker for me, without hesitation or doubt

Sorry, but you can't "truly care" about children you haven't even met.

He's the king of hyperbole.

Everything is so dramatic and earnest.

Yet Mr. Earnest was schmoozing and being inappropriate to your sister a month into your relationship.

When someone's actions don't really match their words & projection of themselves .......

Been with my partner 6 months. They've always been great, respectful, gentle, kind, loving.

There's no 'always', you've only been seeing each other for 6 months, and for over a month of those 6 months he has been messaging your sibling.

You speak in a lot of absolutes, 'always' 'never' etc such as 'I never saw this coming'. You really don't know him well enough by this point to be able to say any of that with confidence. He has been extremely disrespectful to you within the honeymoon period. It needs to be over, the trust is gone.

Op, I don't intend to be patronising etc. here but I'm now wondering how long you've been spilt from your kids' Dad and if you've had any significant relationships since that. ..... because I've noticed a tendency among divorced/separated women to go utterly off the deep end in their first significant relationship after a divorce or separation.

It's as if this relationship has to vindicate them; they are not the problem if this man loves them and this relationship works out; their ex is the problem.

(No, your ex could be the problem regardless of how your subsequent relationships go).

If this relationship is "it" and works out, it'll make up for the failure of their relationship with their kids' They'll get their happy ending.

It has to work out, it has to replace/overwrite the failed one.

Etc. etc.

It's possible you've fallen into that trap.

I would literally never speak to them again. S/he tried it on with your sibling. YUCK. Don’t do this and come crying a year or ten down the line when it happens again.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your values about decent behaviour. He was chatting up your sister!! And she's a piece of work as well. Why don't you tell them to start dating, they deserve each other !

How did you discover the text messages?

Sounds like your partners been caught out and using "family situation" as an excuse.

Whats concerning is if another situation arises where he's stressed out... will he do the same with a friend/ colleague?

I wouldn't trust him and he will continually use excuses for his behaviour.

I think he was testing the water with your sibling. If your sibling had entertained it I wonder how far he would have been willing to go. Seems like he enjoys the drama of it all.

Get rid!

I couldn't forgive this. It's not some random person they messaged, it's your sibling! That's hard to come back from, and I dont think I could do it.

They've never met your children @Pandolly, they absolutely do not care about them. Or you.

That message is entirely manipulative. They are only sorry you found out.

You deserve better than a liar and cheat.

Tell them to stop contacting you. Block them. Spend the weekend with your children doing fun things and the evenings taking care of yourself. Put on some dumb romcom and have a bloody good cry if that's what you need. Or Single White Female and realise they definitely are not the perfect person they pretended to be.

I would not want to continue the relationship. I think ur sibling should have shut the conversation down.

I'm sorry OP because I know you're mad about him but there really and truly is no justification for this. Just walk away with your head high. Pretty pathetic behaviour from your sibling too.

Sorry, that's just a steaming pile of garbage.🙄It's all about them and their feelings and what they did for you, nothing about how wrong they were to try to hook up with your sibling. Genuine my ass.

Did you see the texts? How bad were they? Not trying to minimise but were they full on sexting or just treading inappropriately close to the line?

If you truly feel that strongly for each other and he was genuinely remorseful and not just guilty he'd been found out, I might consider whether it were possible to have therapy and see if you could rebuild. But that would depend on the nature of the messages, and his entire attitude now.

It was your sister fgs! Don't ever trust him again. Leave him.

Thanks for all taking the time to share your views.

Some answere to questions.

I was with my children's other parent for several years, and been split up for several years now. Children are all primary school age. I've remained single during their early years to concentrate on being a good parent and on myself.

I started tentatively dating last summer and had a couple of no's before meeting current person. We hit it off straight away.
The reason they have not yet met the children is just down to wanting to tread slowly so as not to confuse the children. They know the person as 'parents friend' and speak on the phone occasionally, just hellos, talk about how school was.

My sibling lives in another part of the country, we aren't close.

The messages were over 1 conversation. Conversations before and after were 'normal'. I will share some with you to show exactly what was said. Couldn't care less if either of them see it tbh.

This was the main part of the conversation. There was a bit more, but this gives you an idea on the sort of language and words used.

99% sure it's a bloke. Can't imagine a woman doing this.

Dump him. Turning everything into an innuendo, is pure sleaze. He's not a perfect, wonderful person at all. He's disgusting.

It does look like your sister ignored it.

There is no way that he is not doing this with other women.

Gross. The ick has set in. Set your sights higher OP. They're only sorry because they got caught.

So as you can see, it's not outright coming onto them, but it's literally turning everything into something along sexual lines.
It makes me feel sick. But I'm equally annoyed that my sibling continues the conversation rather than shut it down. Then chose not to tell me about it for 5 months.

A few weeks into a relationship, maybe. It's not ideal, but you're still testing the water, not putting all your eggs in one basket, etc. You may or may not have had the exclusivity talk yet (I know, stupid, it should go without saying). Yeah, that I could possibly forgive, but longer than that, and with your sister, no.

That’s a very over promising, manipulative message in my opinion.

Also, I don’t understand how someone who is having a hard time would engage in flirting outside of their relationship. Usually when you have a hard time, you go quiet, cry, become depressed, sleep a lot (or not able to sleep), don’t eat (or comfort eat). You don’t flirt!

I suspect this person is particularly good at mirroring you, telling you what they think you want to hear. And you obviously feel very connected to him. But yet there is a small voice in your head that’s telling you something is not quite right. It’s important to listen to it. The other posters are right, 6 months is very early on and it’s not long enough to get to know anyone. Most people in new relationships are usually on their best behaviour in the first few months anyway and it’s only several months in that you start to get to know them past their presenting persona.