To feel sad that people are not having children, they would have liked to have

[Tootiredfrthis]

I feel sad that I would love to have a third DC but I don't think I will because of lack of support and not having any extended family who can help.
Similarly, I was speaking to a friend and she almost cried saying how much she would love to is third DC but can't as she's 42 and sky rocketing nursery fees.
Another friend was saying she would love a third but undecided due to no family nearby.
Another male friend was saying he would love a second DC but he has broken up with his girlfriend and was in custody battle for his only DC and don't want to go through it again.
I feel quite sad that there are so many who would love another DC but won't be having them for various reasons while fertility rates keep falling and there's so little support for modern parents/families.

I don’t feel any sadder for someone who has 2 kids but wants 3 than someone who has a 2 bed house but would like a 3 bed, or whose holidays are camping in the UK but they’d rather go to a 5 star resort in Dubai. I’d play a very tiny violin for them. They still have an absolutely lovely life than most in the world would envy. Just because they haven’t got exactly what they want out of life doesn’t make me feel desperately sad.

I think it's interesting to see the change in society....those huge families with hoards of aunts, uncles and cousins will become rarer and rarer. I'm in my forties...I have friends whose parents have 6/7 siblings and consequently have loads of cousins. I think extended families in the future will be much much smaller as people have 1/2 DC max. Families will be much more linear.

I live 2 miles from my mother in law. She would never help, not even for occasional baby sitting. I know because her daughter has a baby and she asked her mother to please put away the ladder and gardening shears so the 2 year old wouldn't be able to get to them and my MIL said no. I have actually never seen her hold her grand daughter (her first) except in a few pics. And she prefers girls, i am expecting a son so I know where I stand. My baby would be lucky to get a kiss and a hug. It's one big reason dh is going for a vasectomy and we are one and done.

I have a sister in law who lives with her mother in law and she doesn't help either.

None of these real reason though. They are quality of life reasons. You don’t want any material change of circumstances and that’s why. If you were happy with low a quality of life and 2/3/4 to a room then you could easily.

the reality is people value a comfortable life as well as having children and there is threshold for sacrifice.

all these limits are self imposed.

Why would you let your MIL dictate your family size?

Bringing people into the world is the whole point of our existence. If people only had children when conditions were perfect there would be no humans.

In reality it's not that conditions are bad. It's that people prioritise their lifestyle. Which is fine but let's not pretend it's something else.

There's a lot of jobs AI can't do. And people are needed to utilise the AI. It's no different to when the automatic loom was brought in, or washing machines, or computers, or cars. Somehow all this time saving stuff has made people busier than ever. Some jobs will be no more but other jobs arise to take their place

So what you and your friends are really sad about is not having staff and lots of money?

I had 4 children, 4 sections and absolutely zero help. I wanted 4 children though. There were some sacrifices but it was so worth it. I don't feel sorry for anyone who doesn't want to make a sacrifice in order to have more children, that is their decision. You cannot have it all.

If you don't get any help from family then you have to pay for your own village which is expensive. Something like 52% of grandparents help out with childcare which must make it more affordable for parents..also I am guessing it would be more relentless. Plus there is zero pressure for a second child given that they aren't even interested in the first!

Exactly.

I find people talking about the heartbreak of not being able to have a second or third child as if it's approaching the same level as never having a child at all self-indulgent, to be completely honest.

One is grieving that they never got the opportunity to become a parent, be a family, or have all the experiences that come with that.

The other has had all of that but has a picture of what they wanted which doesn't quite match what they have.

Yet here we are having a discussion online. There is far more to existence than reproducing. And whenever women have a choice and education they tend to have less children. That tells me something. We choose what to do with ourselves now we are here. If humans exist I want them to thrive but if we happened not to exist anymore I won't care.

I get the sadness of not having a second- because there’s added guilt on your child not having a sibling.
i don’t think not having a third is sad on a missing out level- it’s just a want like so many other things.

This. I’m in my 60’s and we always had to work it out. 🤷‍♀️🙄

I think AI is the gamechanger here. Honestly there will be jobs but will they be the jobs your kids want to do? (I don't actually know).

But who gets to gate keep heartbreak or tell others how they should feel?

Is anyone saying “my want for a 3rd child is the same as those who have no children and want 1” no. no one has said that have they.

I'm 33, I have no children and I would absolutely love one, but unfortunately it isn't financially viable for me. I have 32 years left on my mortgage and have little money at the end of each month, sadly not enough to support and give a good life to a child.

And who’s going to pay for it? Higher taxes would mean giving with one hand and taking away with the other. Unless additional taxes are only going to apply to the childless and post-menopausal?

I hear a lot about how there’s not enough help for families. Sometimes I wonder where my help is as a single woman. I pay for everything on my own. I read threads on here where posters are stressing about having to spend more on food or put the oven on twice because one of their kids is a fussy eater. I have no one to share my food budget with; refusing to put the oven on just for one person isn’t an option for me. You could fit two adults and two children into my house, but I pay a grand total of 25% less in council tax.

I’m not saying anyone should pity me. It’s just a fact of life that my lifestyle is expensive compared to that of a childless couple. But it’s also a fact of life that extra children cost a lot - meaning some people simply can’t afford them. Would it be nice if they could? Certainly. But it would be nice if we could all afford anything we wanted. Life isn’t like that.

The example of OP’s male friend not having the second child he wants because he’s scared of another custody battle is bizarre. Surely this is nothing to do without outside factors? Everyone who chooses to have a child with someone does so knowing there’s a risk they won’t stay together forever. You can’t legislate for that.

The single biggest impact on the environment is putting another human being on the planet and all the carbon that they will consume in their lifetime.

OP said she's sad that people aren't able to have children they'd like to have.

That automatically encompasses people without any children.

Bringing people into the world is the whole point of our existence.

Why? Just to continue a never-ending cycle?

Surely we can be allowed to enjoy our lives without feeling obliged to replace ourselves.

I feel sorry for people who can't have 10 or 20 children. I feel sorry for women who are only content when they're baby making machines.

You would be amazed how many times I was told to be thankful when I was only able to have one child due to multiple MCs.
In the end I just stopped mentioning it as I was just made to feel like dirt.

The 'sacrifice' you make impacts not only the individual though, but their children.

Personally I would not have more than two children. I would love to have three, if I were only thinking about myself. But the fact is that I know I can only give two children what I would consider a good life with all of the care and attention, and financial support, that they will need. So I would not have more than two.

It's not just about me. The sacrifice I make by not having more than two children is in fact greater than any sacrifice I would make by having three - I'd love to have three.

It's very sad when people physically can't have children, butt what the people in all the examples you state are really saying is they're not prepared to make the sacrifices/compromises required.

Which is a perfectly valid choice but it's still a choice. Others would do it anyway and manage somehow