To feel sad that people are not having children, they would have liked to have

[Tootiredfrthis]

I feel sad that I would love to have a third DC but I don't think I will because of lack of support and not having any extended family who can help.
Similarly, I was speaking to a friend and she almost cried saying how much she would love to is third DC but can't as she's 42 and sky rocketing nursery fees.
Another friend was saying she would love a third but undecided due to no family nearby.
Another male friend was saying he would love a second DC but he has broken up with his girlfriend and was in custody battle for his only DC and don't want to go through it again.
I feel quite sad that there are so many who would love another DC but won't be having them for various reasons while fertility rates keep falling and there's so little support for modern parents/families.

I always wanted two, but a combination of birth trauma after having DS, DS being a handful (now diagnosed as ASD), health issues and finances meant we decided against it.

Which I'm glad of given how our lives are now, but it doesn't mean I don't have regrets and sadness about it sometimes. I wouldn't expect sympathy from anyone else though.

No. I'm a very empathetic person, but I can't say I feel very sad for people who already have two children and can't have a third.
Why not? Because I have several friends who desperately wanted children and couldn't have them. I feel sad for them. Another reason I'm not sad for people who can't have a third is because I'm one of them and know it's not that bad! I wanted three, i couldn't have three, but I just feel so thankful to have my two children. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't expect anyone to pity me. I think I'm extremely lucky, to be honest.

I agree, we must be thankful for what we have. Some people would give anything to have one child!

We are going to have one shot of IVF treatment for a third using our last embryo. I am not entirely sure we can afford a third but don't think I can leave it and destroy it.

Yes, because they have been able to become mothers. Unlike those who have not been able to have any children.

Why do you need family nearby? We have 3 children, 3 c-sections, no family within 400 miles. Our age gaps were bigger but because of needing ivf, not really intentional. Ages now are 10, 7, 2.

I dont feel sorry for those people wanting more at all. You already have 2, enjoy them and stop focusing on wanting more. We are far too over populated!

You would tell a parent who has secondary infertility or losses to enjoy their first child and not be sad??

No I don't feel sorry for these people at all. The world is massively overpopulated as it is so if you have one or two healthy children that's enough.

No, I don’t feel sorry for them because that’s what life is, adapting to your circumstances and making do.

Pitying people for finding a third child too much financially feels a bit like pitying someone for not having a large enough garden… they are already in a very fortunate and happy position!

My parents’ generation didn’t have family to help out and nor did I. My children may well not due to living too far for regular practical support. While both partners work outside the home, how on earth are they around to provide childcare for their adult children’s kids?

Surely you focus on what you do have and see how lucky you are. Prioritise making life as amazing as possible for your existing children rather than lamenting what might have been if you were wealthier or had free childcare on tap - that sounds a more positive and mentally healthy attitude to me.

Yes I would, provided they had not had a stillbirth or late loss.

Why can't you have empathy for both? It's not a competition!

The OP was all about people who had two children and wanted a third. I'd feel slightly more sorry for someone who have one child and couldn't have a second but not excessively so. I suppose my sympathy diminishes the more children people have. Like, would you feel sorry for someone who had eleven kids and couldn't have a twelfth?

Well yes, I would. I would tell them they are incredibly fortunate to have the child they have and they should take great joy in that child and focus on giving that child the best life possible. It’s not even remotely comparable to someone who is unable to have any children - and pretending that it is just goes to show that you don’t comprehend the devastation of not being able to experience parenthood at all.

I can’t wrap my head around how someone can think it’s ok to tell someone who could have secondary infertility or miscarriage’s that they shouldn’t be sad.

”Doesn’t matter that you’ve had 7 early losses, enjoy what you have and don’t be sad! Doesn’t sit right with me

And a late loss? So you can decide on having sympathy depending on the gestation of loss. 19 weeks - no, 24 weeks - fine!

But the OP is “sad” because of perceived affordability and lack of local family to provide free childcare for a third possible child.

Which is a position of such privilege I find it hard to muster a modicum of sympathy.

The thing is we'd all like things. I loved the early years. I love the bond between my two, they are amazing and worship each other.

Would I like to do it all again, absolutely.

But in reality it would be a different dynamic, trips would be hard as we'd not fit in standard accommodation, we don't have enough bedrooms etc.

If I could have another baby in a bubble then yes, I'd have one but as soon as I look at how it collides with the rest of life, it's not for us.

Do I really want another child or the chance to hold my babies as babies again, I think it's probably the latter but instead we watch them grow (and ignore us!)

And once you have three, does it end? I know someone who had the three but couldn't have number four and she felt the youngest was like an only child and pined that she couldn't give her a similar age sibling. Where does that cycle stop?

The only people that try to compare it is comments like this, obviously they are completely different situations

BOTH are valid and sad! Different situations entirely.

You can’t gate keep sadness or grief

I do. But primary infertility, never to experience the joy of motherhood, is in a different league to secondary infertility.

I am aware you suffered from infertility like myself. I probably felt the same if I am being honest before the IVF worked. I have two IVF kids yet I want another due to a 10 week miscarriage I had last year which I concieved naturally and I can't shake the longing off. Not that I am not grateful for what I have but I do feel angry that I was robbed of another.

Yes but that's not what this thread is about.

Sorry but if you have kids you should do so assuming you will take of YOUR kids yourself. You can't plan to have more because you have family you can palm them off on!!!!

Plenty of people cope with 3 (and more) children completely alone.

If you know you wouldn't cope then great, don't do it, but flipping heck, your extended family shouldn't be a consideration!

There's positives and negatives to both. We have a 9 year gap between DC1 and DC3, and whilst we will be around for almost a decade longer for DC1, DC3 has a more financially easy upbringing, nicer holidays from a young age, a larger house and big garden. DC1s first few years were more of a struggle financially and in a small house with less experiences.
Obviously being older doesn't always mean better finances but in a lot of cases if does allow time for promotions and savings to build. And whilst money isn't the most important thing it does buy experiences which enrich their lives.

Thank you for saying this. It’s obvious many do not empathise with the pain of primary infertility at all.

With kindness, that’s life. You can’t always get what you want, as the song goes.

I have one child. My intention and hope was to have two but severe PND and two hospitalisations for it put paid to any plan for that. The risk of it happening again just wasn’t worth it for me.
The one I have is amazing and I’m so grateful for what I have.
I don’t expect sympathy from anyone (in fact there’s no shortage of real nastiness on MN about only children)