To think that people who say “kids are a blessing” just don’t want to admit they regret it?

[ByBluntBiscuit]

The louder someone insists that parenting is the greatest joy, the more exhausted and dead behind the eyes they look.

Of course I see the negatives. i have posted about those many times. I dont post the positives as it often sounds smug.

I do think MN is not entirely representative as posters here often have an insane level of anxiety.

You could have written this in a less mean way. Like "people who are relentlessly positive and don't discuss the realities of motherhood, make me feel quite alienated"
The op just comes across as one of those jealous bitter people who tries to comfort themselves by thinking anything they see in real life or on social media that seems positive, must be a lie that hides some kind of horror. To feel like they aren't just a miserable person, everyone is a miserable person but they just hide it.
It's a worldview I don't share personally.
And even on the odd occasion I do get a sense someone is hiding pain by being positive, I just feel sorry for them and hope it's helping then. Because why waste your energy on being this bitter and nasty about people?

My biggest blessing and my biggest worry...

Maybe this is true sometimes but not always. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me. Best thing I've ever done. I'm sure I always look knackered though!

Nonsense, have you actually asked them if they enjoy it? Just because we’re stressed/worried/tired a lot of the time doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy it and feel having children is the greatest blessing in the world.

I had the same experience. Never wanted to be a parent. Fell pregnant unexpectedly in my twenties. It was extremely hard but it changed my life so much for the better that I now have 3.
For me it has been an incredible blessing.
And I feel like it's disrespectful even to say otherwise, as I have been so lucky to have 3 healthy children.
I know people who've suffered real tragedy.

That doesn't mean I don't also talk realistically about how hard motherhood can be.
I had post partum psychosis due to an extremely traumatic birth with my first.
It was very hard. One of the worst experiences of my life. But that doesn't make it any less of a blessing overall.
Things don't have to be entirely positive or negative. And really it's important to see the positive when you are going through the darkest times.

I adore my DS but I don’t buy into the “children are a blessing, my life has purpose, I now know unconditional love” bollocks 🤢

I’m so glad he’s in my life. He brings me so much joy. I also would have had a fantastic life if having kids hadn’t happened for us as we’d hoped. I had plenty of purpose before he came along. I’ll have plenty once he’s grown.

Uncondtional love? Not all it’s cracked up to be. If my DS grows up to be the UKs most prolific serial killer I’d still love him. I don’t think that’s necessarily a positive thing. It’s just a thing.

So in a way I sort of agree with you. Or it’s more that I think it’s a bit of an eye roll when people make their children the only think in their lives and erode themselves in the process. Like their life was a complete meaningless waste of time until they were “blessed” with a child/children. I mean where does that end? Or our children’s life’s “without purpose/meaning” until they have children? It’s silly. Very silly.

Why do people always say their lives are “meaningless” without children? I know you did well to specifically say “your” life. But it’s this constant message that lives are meaningless, joyless, loveless etc unless you have children that really hurts.
“Oh did you hear “Mary” (aged 40) has cancer?”
“Oh how terrible! She has children! That’s awful!!”
Which gives the message that if she didn’t have children it wouldn’t really matter because her life is pretty meaningless after all.

I swear there was this exact thread a week or so ago

The point there is that it will be horrible for the children to lose their mum, not that Mary is more important because she has children.

I think you're projecting and tbh I'm getting sick of reading about how all parents are filled with regret and must miss their freedom on this site - it's too big a life change to fit neatly in a box. I've found parenting tiring and overwhelming at times but I adore waking up and having my two ruffled-haired goblins running around and chatting away. I would never be without them.

life is not meaningless without children.

We all find meaning, our happiness, with whatever fills our soul.

From my purely personal observation, food, travel, friends, disposable income, however you choose to give your life meaning, is totally valid ofc.

Children, for me, though, is the pinnacle of fulfillment.

Biggest blessing and biggest curse because everything is so worrisome thinking about their future: environment, potential nuclear wars, job prospects, ds1 disability which will make him dependant of me and then someone forever... my life is better with them but maybe I was selfish having them because I was too optimistic about the future.

I adore mine ❤️ But they do challenge me im ways i never thought possible. Which is a good thing as well as exhausting. So both are true. Would i have them if i had the choice again? 100% yes.

Getting sick of reading this on MN too, though I know OP is winding up.

And you are exactly right: it is too big a subject to fit in a box.

I don’t really want to post specifics on here and was trying be vague in my example. But I was once due to have a serious and risky operation. It was mentioned at work by a friend of mine and we were discussing it. One lady I didn’t know well looked very concerned and said “oh that sounds very scary! How terrible for you! Do you have children?” I said no. Her demeanour totally changed. “Oh right. Well I’m sure it’ll go fine. At least you don’t need to worry about leaving any kids motherless”. And she just started talking to someone else. This is the reality a lot of them time.

Me thinks the OP is projecting and being a little defensive. I genuinely adore my kids and don’t regret them for a second. Most of us feel the same. Deal with your own shit.

I have many regrets in my life. However, I have never regretted having my child. This doesn’t mean that my parenting was full of joy every single moment. But as my child grows, I see them as a bud that has yet to bloom. My only regret is that I didn’t enjoy more moments when my child was a baby because I didn’t fully understand the nature of babies. I feel I missed out on their babyhood, which I now describe as precious and full of wonder. Part of the reason for my regret is that they are going to be my only child, and I will never have another chance to experience my own baby growing up. Babies and kids are truly wonderful beings.

Well that’s horrible of her to say that but no one thinks someone with children is worth more than someone without children.

Just not true unfortunately.

Indeed very odd I get thst some posters won't be parents but to start a deliberately provocative thread against children on a parenting site is decidedly odd.

Trust me they really do. Obviously not everyone no. But it certainly isn’t no one.

I agree, most threads just turn into a pile on when someone needs help, posts that are obviously light-hearted get ripped to shreds and everyone thinks all parents "nowadays" are awful, which is strange as literally hundreds of posts state "I do xyz but NOBODY ELSE I KNOW DOES and that's why ALL kids (except mine) are terrible" 🙄

And yeah it's almost frowned upon to dare say anything positive about kids or parenting now.

If they do it’s only for the children’s sake. It’s horrendous for your mum to die when you’re a child.

I think you are being ridiculous. Just because for one person their kids gave their life meaning doesn't mean that's the only meaning life can have!
Some actress wins an Oscar.. are we all to be devastated when she says "acting gave my life meaning!" Coz oh no I'm not an actress so my life must have no meaning!!
Don't be silly.
What gives your life meaning is deeply personal to the individual. And people should be able to talk about it without other people getting their knickers in a twist.
For some people motherhood is what they wanted and it brought meaning into their lives
I never wanted to be a mother but became one by accident and yes it did bring meaning into my life that wasn't there before but I do not for one second think that if I hadn't happened to have kids, that there wouldn't have been other things that brought just as much meaning to my life.
And I know full well that there are many deep and meaningful experiences other people are having that I will never have.
I don't need then to stop talking about them. That's just life. We go down the path we go down and sometimes that blocks off other avenues. Stop dwelling on how other people structure meaning in their lives. This shouldn't hurt you. It's about them. Kids ARE something that can bring great meaning to someone's life. That doesn't mean life is meaningless without them or there isn't as much meaning in anything else.
And it's not the fault of individual women who love being mothers, talking about that, that has caused the pressure on all women to prioritise having kids.