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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New boyfriend won't dine out. Ever.

915 replies

Beautifulbouquet · 12/03/2025 22:43

I've started seeing someone. He told me yesterday that he doesn't like dining out. Ever.

He would rather I cook or he cooks and if the relationship continues will apparently never go out for brunch or lunch or dinner with me.

I could of course dine out with friends without him. He would not come for example to any meal with friends he was invited to.

His reason is he is vegan and he says he doesn't trust chefs not to contaminate his food.

I honestly feel like saying I cannot see this relationship going anywhere.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 13/03/2025 06:23

For me this would be a non starter. No restaurants, worse still no holidays or breaks away. And what about days out together? In the warmer weather you can take a picnic, that can be lovely, but rainy days and winter days?

ArmyBarbie · 13/03/2025 06:24

Another vegan here to say this bloke is absolutely batshit. You can do better.

(I've been vegan 7 years - DH and DC aren't, and it's never once stopped us going anywhere or doing anything.)

BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2025 06:25

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 12/03/2025 22:55

If he's happy to cook for you, at your place or his, and bring nice picnics when you go out places together, what's the problem?

I've worked (as a chef) in plenty of catering establishments, and as a direct result, don't trust them all either <to not contaminate my food, have shoddy hygiene standards, &/ or use unhealthy/ unethical ingredients>

I much prefer to make my own food, so I can be sure of what I'm eating and its provenance (and eat more organic, relatively unprocessed wholefoods).

My brother (also a former chef) isn't vegan, but hardly ever eats out either - again he prefers to make his own food, and know exactly where it's come from.

I also don't like the fact that most of the profits usually go to the owners, and however skilled and hard-working the cooks, servers and other staff are, they usually get paid at close to minimum wage. Why would I want to support that industry? I prefer to frequent places that operate differently, eg as workers co-ops, but they are few and far between in this country.

Does that mean that you will never, ever, under any circumstances, eat outside your own home? No? I didn’t think so.

My DP is a great cook. We eat at home the vast majority of the time. But on Tuesday it was my DD’s birthday. She chose to go to a taco place in London to celebrate with me and her sister. So I went. The food was mediocre. The ambience, noisy. Did I enjoy myself? Yes. Would I refuse to go because I didn’t know the provenance of the food or because DP could cook better? No.

OP this would be a deal breaker for me. Partly because I love eating out with friends and family. Partly because that level of inflexibility would be a red flag for me.

Lobelia123 · 13/03/2025 06:26

This ultimatum / refusal is already so restrictive, you'll be miserable if you carry on with this one.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 13/03/2025 06:35

SnoozingFox · 12/03/2025 23:02

Yes the veganism is a red herring. (Red tofu slice?) Everywhere does vegan food these days.

The problem is that he's weird and controlling.

This ^

DGPP · 13/03/2025 06:35

No eating out or holidays? Two of life’s biggest pleasures right there. Dump him

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2025 06:37

Going out for dinner together, potentially sharing a bottle of wine is one of the best things about a relationship imo. He doesn't sound like he's compatible with you at all. Maybe he can find a nice vegan goth who doesn't want to eat out or go on holiday and they can be miserable together but it's not you op.

Comedycook · 13/03/2025 06:37

I really couldn't tolerate this in a partner. I wouldn't have got past the first date.

Huckyfell · 13/03/2025 06:38

A fussy vegan, surely he can find a vegan girl to save spoiling another couple.
You'll find another better.

BookASpaceCadets · 13/03/2025 06:39

Would he not go to an actual vegan restaurant then? Where typically the staff and chef are vegan too?
if not then dump, what a miserable way to live.

Newfoundzestforlife · 13/03/2025 06:40

getahhtmapub · 13/03/2025 03:24

I can't bear people who take no joy in food or fuss about which restaurants they want to go to. wouldn't tolerate it in a friend and I certainly wouldn't in a life partner. And he's a step above in refunding to eat out at all. What a joyless life with a picky whining narcissist.

As PP's have said. What about holidays, birthdays, weddings. What if you have kids?

Hard no to numbered potatoes cold tofu man

I can't bear people who throw the word "narcissist" about willy nilly....
His eating habits don't equate to him having a serious personality disorder!

pictoosh · 13/03/2025 06:41

Makes me wonder what other absurd, rigid dos and don'ts he's got up his sleeve for the future. What other things he won't compromise on and would see you missing out on.
There will be more.
Life would be miserable with this one.

beAsensible1 · 13/03/2025 06:41

can he not go to a vegan restaurant? There are loads

PinkoPonko · 13/03/2025 06:47

It’s one thing to have personal values and preferences, but when someone rigidly denies themselves and others even the smallest joys—like sharing a meal or watching a movie—it stops being a lifestyle and starts being a rejection of connection.

Millyjanice · 13/03/2025 06:47

Beautifulbouquet · 12/03/2025 22:47

I haven't even thought about holidays!! He did say once that he would never go on a beach holiday. I don't think he's been on holiday for 6 years actually. He also doesn't like going to the cinema as he doesn't like sitting still for long periods.

Show quote history

Sounds like hard work.
Why bother ?
Find someone compatible.

Crazybaby123 · 13/03/2025 06:49

I couldnt go out with someone like this. I once dumped someone for being a cyclist, the shorts and hat just put me off, was not my cup of tea at all. Someone will love him though, someone vegan who likes packed lunches and hates beaches. That would not be me at all.

ProfessionalPirate · 13/03/2025 06:49

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 12/03/2025 23:01

There aren't actually that many vegan-owned and -operated restaurants, and unfortunately many of them have spring up in recent years to cash in on the 'trend' for 'plant-based' food, and serve a fairly limited range of products. In many cases the menu is full of fake 'meat', fake 'cheese', fake 'mayonnaise', and other ultra-processed industrial crap. It may technically be 'vegan' but it's not good for you, and nothing like as healthy as proper freshly-cooked vegetable-and-legume-based cuisine would be. I'd rather stay at home and cook for myself. And it would be a lot more tasty and joyful (in answer to another poster, whose imagination is so limited they think a vegan diet would be dreary and joyless)

Show quote history

That all seems a bit irrelevant to catch out a man who eats raw tofu sandwiches. I suspect his palate would cope .

Don’t forget that sometimes eating out is just a need rather than a want. To enable days out, travelling, larger events and functions etc. I haven’t loved every single meal out I’ve ever had, not by a long shot, but I keep going and trying things to enable me to socialise and explore the world, and with a bit of careful review reading it’s often possible to avoid the worst offenders.

I can understand someone having a preference for home cooking of course, but to refuse to ever eat out under any circumstances is so life-limiting.

One of my favourite restaurants in the world is fully plant based - eleven madison park. Not in everyone’s budget I realise but fantastic vegan restaurants absolutely do exist. At the higher end of cuisine they are becoming more and more common. No impossible meats in sight.

Bitofanchange · 13/03/2025 06:50

cestlavielife · 12/03/2025 22:45

You will have great holidays won't you? (Not)
Move on. Bye bye

This is true, what will you do for holidays?

It’s so restrictive!

I couldn’t live like that.

Anyotherdude · 13/03/2025 06:50

Sounds like an ED to me, and antisocial. Think very carefully about whether you care about him enough to support him through these MH issues and if you think it will get better, or worse…

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/03/2025 06:50

That level of mistrust is a red flag.

Tootiredfrthis · 13/03/2025 06:50

You'll be miserable, leave him.

Lentilweaver · 13/03/2025 06:53

Fun sponge. Dump.
Though I suspect this is about money.

MyDeftDuck · 13/03/2025 06:53

I honestly feel like saying I cannot see this relationship going anywhere........ Well then, you know exactly what to do don't you?!

Goodadvice1980 · 13/03/2025 06:54

YANBU OP.

Chuck this one back OP. I respect other people’s choice on food morality but his restrictions on food will be severely limiting on you as well.

Reminds me of the old joke - how can you tell if someone is a vegan? You can’t, but not to worry as they tell you every 5 minutes …….

Bodumb · 13/03/2025 06:55

What exactly is attractive about this man?

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