To think punctuality is a sign of basic respect?

[CoralCrab]

I’ve always believed that being on time is one of the simplest ways to show respect for other people. If I make plans, I do everything I can to be there when I said I would - so I find it really frustrating when others don’t do the same.

I get that things happen - traffic, delays, life - but when someone is consistently late, it feels like they just don’t care. Like their time is more valuable than mine.

I’ve had friends show up 30+ minutes late to dinner without even apologising, colleagues who breeze into meetings 10 minutes after they start, and even dates who seem to think ‘fashionably late’ is a personality trait.

AIBu to think that punctuality isn’t just about being on time but about basic consideration for others? Or am I just being too uptight about it?

Can be 5 HOURS late in my case.

YANBU

When I was younger even though it pissed me off and made me feel these people had no respect for me and my time I used to put up with it with a smile and a « don’t worry! ». Now I’ve had enough and I have zero tolerance for people who just don’t give a shit about making you wait.

Agree.

Its one of my biggest pet hates. Yes this can be beyond a person's control, but we all have mobile phones so lateness without a word to explain and excuse oneself is extremely unacceptable in my view.

I work very long hours so when I have someone booked in it's in the few hours where my business is closed and when I like to relax. I have lost count of how many stroll in at whatever time they please without an explanation or much less an apology.

It got to the stage recently where we had something scheduled for 9.30am because apparently that was the only time they could attend when the business was closed. So I got up super early after having gone to bed at 2am, only for this moron to turn up at 11.45am. I had actually called them and got no reply so called their main base and got told he was running behind and should be with me at 10am.

He walks in, asks for a cup of tea and barking orders at me. I said, "no, please leave"

He looks at me as if I'm mad. So I said, you were scheduled to attend at 9.30am. I was told this was the only time you could attend. I got up ridiculously early to accommodate this request and I called you and your office at 9.50am, you declined to answer and your base told me 10am.
I would like you to leave as I will be asking another company to attend who can prove themselves reliable.

He got the right hump with me, saying he was there now and that should be it. I explained that my business opens at 12pm, as his company was told. That an arrival time of 11.45am when you were expected at no later than 9.30am is unacceptable and gave me and indication of his lack of professionalism so I no longer wished for him to complete the job as the lack of respect shown by him and his company spoke volumes.

They had the audacity to send me a bill which I did not pay.

To my mind, if your appointment time is 9.30am, you turn up at 9.20am. No later. Same with when you go to the GP, the amount of times I've turned up 10 minutes before my alloted time only to have to wait longer because some oik has turned up late grinds my gears. Why should I be inconvenienced by someone's lack of manners?

There's a real difference between people who are a "always a bit late" and the chronically lates.

One of my DSis was always routinely late for everything, arriving with a load of excuses - an hour minimum, up to three or four. Every time. On one big family occasion where about 20 of us waited for her for ages to sit down and eat I called her on it in front of everyone as soon as she arrived saying it was incredibly rude and I was sick of it - she cried but stopped being ridiculously late when she met me after this, telling everyone she's scared of me cause I'm a dictator. Still takes the absolute piss with my other family members though! No regrets.

I have a friend like this too, she has a three year old so he's the perfect excuse for her lateness but she was the same before she had a baby so I don't buy it. I just tell her to meet me an hour before I actually want to do a playdate and never have to wait too long so it works fine!

I have a question for all those who have time blindness / other issues which mean they are chronically late.

What don't you just turn up an hour early and sit and chill / read a book / order a drink , like all the advice on this thread?

Surely if you are blind to time you would be very early just as often as very late?

Because I don’t have an hour to sit around reading a book. I’m trying to do 27 hours worth of stuff every 24.

I think the most important thing is that everyone can agree on expectations.

If one person thinks 7pm means 7pm & another thinks it means 8ish, then there’s going to be a problem. If everyone thinks 7pm means 7-7.15 then that’s fine.

And if someone knows that they’re not capable of being on time or that they simply can’t be bothered, then it’s only fair to warn others in advance.

I had a terrible manager once who'd book one to one meetings with me and then show up at the office about 40 mins after it was supposed to have started and then swan round saying hello to other people before eventually getting to me and then saying 'oh, we don't have time now' and disappearing off again. When I brought it up (as I'd often have rearranged other meetings to be able to see her), she'd remind me that she was much more important than me and I shouldn't expect her undivided attention.
Fortunately she didn't stay where I worked for long....

But do you really think most people aren't similar? Most of us have jobs, kids, caring responsibility or similar. Most people are juggling. To keep ON being late because you misjudged how long it would take to "just" load the dishwasher just shows a sort of bloody mindedness and refusal to adapt.

If you are travelling in from a distance you're still going to need the loo before sitting down for two hours. If you arrive at 7.20/25 and your seats are not on the aisle, you'll be disturbing people to get to your seats. You might still be faffing with your coat when the curtain goes up. I'm as busy as the next person but the whole experience can be much less enjoyable if you decide to cut it incredibly fine and not just for you, just to give yourself and extra ten mins at home.

I agree.

You can have some influence over it though. Not accepting it for starters, and by your own example. I host a daily call and it starts on time, every time, no waiting for one or two who are late. People know that and latecomers have become rare.

Doesn’t that indicate that most people feel it is those things then? So if you are habitually late (and particularly if you don’t apologise) you should maybe try to avoid it?
I’m sure people who have friends/family who genuinely can’t be on time to the extent they miss planes and job interviews are aware and more sympathetic, but very few habitually late people miss those things.

My parents were always late when we were kids and I hated it (they still are, but it affects me less now!) I’ve got a fairly long list of stuff we missed out on as kids a result. I once was delivered to an awards thing 20m late (I was about 8) and only just arrived seconds before my certificate was announced and I went to collect it. Mum’s response was aren’t we lucky our surname is at the end of the alphabet so you didn’t miss it 😂

Its affected me and my sister differently. DSis is allergic to being late and will rock up 20 or 30 mins early to everything, which is sometimes bloody inconvenient but I accept it’s a knee jerk from our childhood.

I worry that arriving early is as rude as arriving late so I just live my life in a state of perpetual anxiety!

This made me smile. I was running a seminar over 2 days in Switzerland - the first in Geneva (culturally French) and the second repeating the content in Zurich (culturally German). In the Geneva session my client was very keen for us to fill the room and was happy to start 30m later as people drifted in. I made the same suggestion to the Zurich client the next day as the room wasn’t at capacity yet, and got a look that could kill! We started on time that day 😂

But you expect other people to have an hour to sit around reading a book, so that you can be late?

Absolutely.

I'm a stickler for timekeeping. It is a sign of very basic respect.

However, for those in my life who I know to be respectful, lovely people who are generally on time, I'm not bothered about the occasional lateness because I know it's not in their nature, they do take timekeeping seriously, and something must have happened. That's absolutely fine. Someone being 5m late once every five hangouts isn't a big deal when you know them.

However if someone is late without letting me know, or apologising, or habitually, I'm not interested in sustaining a friendship with that person.

Professionally speaking I give 5m grace, and if I haven't had contact letting me know why the person is late I leave and will consider rebooking, which may be a few weeks away depending on my diary.

There's no excuse, frankly. Being late screams that you believe the other person's time is less valuable than yours, that you have no issue with them being sat there waiting for you, having made the effort to get there on time.

I used to think exactly like you, but have come to realise that some people are just time blind and simply can’t help it. It’d be like blaming them for being blonde or something.

Havingvdsud that, some people are often late and not time blind, but just assholes.

If you have friends and family who are habitually late, you have to work out which category they belong to, and deal with them accordingly.

Friend of mine was always late and I just accepted it. Until my wedding day when she strolled in half way through the ceremony. Didn't even acknowledge that she was late, never mind apologise. I got some self respect that day and vowed never to bother with her or people who are consistently late again.

This is really just nonsense.

Unless you are planning to invite people to fill an auditorium from the centre outwards, there will always be people disturbing other people to get to their seats. Everyone cannot arrive together. It doesn't make any difference if it's happening at 7.15 or 7.25.

Again, I'm not coming to the theatre to use the toilet. I know that theatre toilets, especially women's, are usually ridiculously busy before a show. (And most theatre shows aren't two hours)..

And I won't be faffing with my coat. I am in and out. Coat off in aisle. Hold it and sit down. Maybe you are a faffer. I'm not. I am a machine.

I agree fully with that. We've certainly done the same when someone has turned up long after the time they said they would (i.e. tradesmen, salesmen, professionals, estate agents, etc), we've just turned them away. Even more so if we've made special arrangements to be in at the agreed time, i.e. taken time off work, got up early, arranged child care, etc. With us, it's one strike and you're out.

I do it with my clients and prospective clients too. In my office, I'm very accommodating when someone rings ahead to say they're running late, but if they just turn up seriously late without warning, they lose the appointment slot. I'm not rushing an important meeting and I'm not making subsequent clients wait nor missing my lunch hour etc.

Amazing. How about the other people who are just as busy with 27 hours worth of stuff every 24 and they lose an hour of that 24 making it just 23 because you're keeping them waiting and delaying them from doing other things because you're disorganised and have no respect for their time.

So is everyone else which is why they don't have time to wait around.

I need a better link to find out what paper it's published in, what the sample size was etc.
I'm suggesting that perhaps a few people are very ND and timings can be a challenge.
However. I think those people are probably few in number. The others are just rude.

If someone is occasionally late for non-time-critical events then fine, I can chill in the pub/coffee shop. No problem. If it’s every single time then it is rude, and does suggest they think that whatever thing they were doing before they came was more important than seeing me or than the things I could have been doing instead of waiting around.