To think punctuality is a sign of basic respect?

[CoralCrab]

I’ve always believed that being on time is one of the simplest ways to show respect for other people. If I make plans, I do everything I can to be there when I said I would - so I find it really frustrating when others don’t do the same.

I get that things happen - traffic, delays, life - but when someone is consistently late, it feels like they just don’t care. Like their time is more valuable than mine.

I’ve had friends show up 30+ minutes late to dinner without even apologising, colleagues who breeze into meetings 10 minutes after they start, and even dates who seem to think ‘fashionably late’ is a personality trait.

AIBu to think that punctuality isn’t just about being on time but about basic consideration for others? Or am I just being too uptight about it?

I agree with you, OP. It's selfish to be late, thinking that your time is more important than anyone else's.

That BBC video is fascinating and explains lots about all this in a clearer way than I obviously have.

If someone invites me to a play that starts at 7.30 it's obviously more important to be there at 7.30 than if someone invites me to the pub at 8. It's a pub. Pubs are places to relax. To not worry about time. And practically, you can get yourself a drink and sit down and chill whether on not someone else is there.

It's also a cultural thing. If you invite Dutch friends or Brazilian friends to come for dinner at 7, you can expect very different times for your doorbell to ring.

In the UK, I think that cultural difference extends across generational, class and lifestyle groups. And obviously personally type.

"They value their own time more than yours." No, it's that they have a different perception of time altogether to you.

No, they consider that their time and what they do takes priority over other people's.

It's fascinating to me that, despite it being said repeatedly by various people on this thread - and indeed several researchers and scientists on the BBC video, that people who might be late don't think their time is more valuable than other people's, that so many of you like to repeat this fallacy.

Why do you want so badly to think that people who are late are acting with bad intent or are deliberately disrespecting you?

Well tell them a later time then. I really don’t understand this. If you tell me a time to be there I will be there then. Well I’ll actually be there about half an hour early and sit outside with a book.

Because they are behaving as if their time and their choices are more important than anyone else's. That is selfish. If you struggle with time keeping, put strategies in place, but don't treat people as if their time doesn't count., or as if their situation is less important.
"Scientists on a BBC video" ?

I agree with you. It's wasting other people's time.

My SIL was recently 1 hour late to meet us at an event that she picked the time for, that took us an hour to get to and her only 20 minutes. This was after keeping the entire family waiting 2 hours for her to turn up to Sunday lunch, despite living across the road.

She waltz in with this "look I made it" attitude like it's an achievement and we should be grateful.nwe are all throughout sick of it and she's in danger of being ignored

I always apologise when we run late, even 5 -10 mins. But nore often than not, we run late because someone has come late. I do a clinic where we have mostly 20 mins appointments. Hospital rule is patients won't be seen if more than 15 mins late. 9am patient turns up at 9.14, so we have to see them. Then part way through appointment they announce they need toilet. 9.20 patient is then seen at 9.40 due to lateness of first appointment. 9.20 (seen at 9.40) takes longer than expected, so 9.40 ends up being seen at 10.15, is annoyed despite apology so takes a bit longer to calm and be able to discuss need. So then 10 is seen at 10.45 and so on. We pretty much always lose our lunch break to try to gain some time back, as we know its hard for families with medically unwell children to wait . We run late due to patients coming late, or a parent becoming upset, or a a safeguarding concern comes up, or a whole range of other things. We have considered doing longer appts, but that would cause wait list to go up. We are trying our best.

Although I agree there are a small number who aren't trying their best. I requested the first appt with my new rheumatologist at 9am to try to avoid delays. Only to be told by reception when at 9.40 I query when I will be seen 'oh he never gets here before 10am at the earliest'. That I found extremely rude, as was he - the arrogance was beyond belief.

What’s this ‘time blindness’ bullshit? Yet another made-up ‘condition’ to excuse entitled, poor behaviour. Being late is incredibly rude and disrespectful. In some jobs, it is totally unthinkable.

People think it is ok to be late these days because they can send a running ETA commentary from their phone, it is not OK.

I also don’t think theatres should ever admit latecomers. You’d never do it again once you’d wasted a few hundred quid on your tickets the first time. Why should you rock up late and then annoy other people shuffling past them in the dark?

Totally agree. husband and his family would be late for their own funerals - and in fact one of his sisters was for their own fathers!!! Drives me insane. Totally disrespectful. My dad was in the forces and punctuality was drummed in to me!!

Yet another excuse for ‘ND’ people to be rude, selfish and disrespectful in every bloody aspect of life. Bore off.

For me, it does feel very rude when someone is consistently late.

I still think back to a wedding I went to with my in laws and DH, they asked to car share as they both wanted to drink and asked me to drive - I was pregnant so
no issues with this.

However, they then decided that my car wasn't 'smart enough' to go to a wedding in, so called for a taxi instead. Which meant we arrived 30 mins late for the wedding. I suggested we sit at the back to avoid being disruptive 'no we are close family we sit at the front' and then made a noisy entrance asking people to move up, move along so they could sit where they felt 'appropriate'. All eyes on them rather than the couple, I was mortified.

Culturally, this is not an unusual thing for DH family, so for our wedding I put start time 15 mins earlier than actually was. I arrived slightly late due to car issues, and still some if DH's extended family swanned in late.

That’s a poor excuse.

You are showing disrespect by constantly being late to meet her when you manage to be on time for work and other things you consider more important.

Please just be honest with her when making appointments that you would rather meet up later in the day.

Hate it. Insulting and inconsiderate. Stop wasting my time making me wait as some kind of superiority or control issue and fuck off out of my life.

Time blind my fucking arse.

I agree with the OP.
I usually work out my start time backwards.
ie, get there at ?time and deduct travelling time, and then know what time to leave, etc
Why should I be kept waiting?. It appears the other people think their time is more important than mine.

Depends on the job I suppose. as a teacher my day is highly structured and imposed by other people. I can't waft in five minutes late or decide to start early and finish early. I get the idea of time blindness and it being a skill that is harder for some than others but it's not impossible..especially now with alarms, smart watches etc. It just isn't ok to keep other people waiting beyond the actual time agreed (if they choose to be early that's up to them) . Obviously occasionally things happen beyond anyone's control but you factor in a margin and usually that solves it.

I'm in a group of friends who go for dinner at various restaurants about once a month.

One of the people in the group is about 30 minutes late, every single time. It drives me mad. He does say sorry but never gives a reason. If it was my group I would have cut him out of it by now.

At this point we just order before he gets there and if he misses out, it's his own fault.

Well, getting back to the disrespectable thing.....................

This proves the point. I am punctual, sometimes early, despite having a busy life. Why? Because I value and respect other people's busy lives, I wouldn't dream of wasting their valuable time by being late. It's because I have a busy life that I value time and punctuality, as I wouldn't get everything done otherwise.

If a play starts at 7.30 you need to be there at 7.15 latest to get to your seat, but a programme, go to the loo, order interval drinks. That's the sort of thing that my chronically late friend doesn't factor in. If a train is at 2pm and it's a ten minute drive to the station shell leave her front door at 1.50, having not factored in two mins to actually get off the driveway, red lights, parking, walking to the platform, ticket buying. .. She's inevitably v v late even for things that cost ££ if you miss them. God knows how she coped in her quite senior role.

I was on a training course for a multinational with participants from multiple countries. We were asked ' In your country, how late could you be for a meeting without feeling the need to apologise?' Answers varied from 2 minutes (a German) to 'about three days' (a Nigerian). People from the same cultures didn't necessarily give the same responses, either.

I concluded from this that

1. If someone is late for a meeting with you it's nothing to do with their feelings about you, it's just what's normal for them, and
2. It's not safe to assume that the other person has the same norms as you do so it's best to discuss what works for both of you up front.
3. If you do reach an understanding of what's acceptable and the other person continually breaks it then (extenuating circumstances aside) it speaks to their ability or willingness to keep their word, which has much wider ramifications.

We have a family member who’s motto is “Im never late I arrive exactly when I plan to”

With a laugh. Always always late. Disrespectful.

People talking about “time blindness” never seen to think it should work the other way around sometimes and people who lack awareness of time should be early sometimes. But the chronically late are never early.

My sister and her husband are always late for stuff to the extent we give them false times now to account for them being 30 minutes late. We had to sort out some probate stuff recently & I noticed that funnily enough, my sister always managed to be bang on time for appointments with solicitors & Estate Agents.

She’s not ND & neither is her husband. They obviously just think their time is more important than others so it’s fine to keep family waiting for them every time.

"it's not safe to assume that the other person has the same norms as you"
What is not "safe" in this instance, @MontyDonsBlueScarf ?

Perhaps they have more time because they use their time efficiently and are organised. I’m very busy, run my own business and have a family. I’m never late, it’s not because I have time on my hands, it’s because I’m organised, I’m still busy but it’s about planning and starting the day the right way in case unforeseen things do come up like traffic etc.

If someone is ten minutes late to a meeting and there are eight participants, that's a sum total of one hour and twenty minutes of business time wasted.

If you did that more than once at a meeting I was chairing, I'd arrange for yiur line manager to have sharp words with you.